36 - Sunday, February 15, 1987 - North Shore News Lifestyles. ‘HOITY-TOITY’ IS RUDE Etiquette does not include snobbery HOITY-TOITY is not a le- gitimate style division within the art of etiquette, Miss Manners wishes it to be known. Behavior that is deliberately designed to dazzle and intimidate others with a blinding show of su- pericrity cannot possibly be classified as polite. It is, in fact, the opposite. Yet Miss Manners is only too aware that a vulgar tone implying that other people are not worth bothering about, and that their well-meant behavior doesn’t measure up to. one’s own stan- dards, does indeed try to pass itself * off as the height of fine manners. What she considers worse is that many of the victims fall for that premise and crawl off, ashamed and hurt, to plot adopting those standards themselves in order to “miss manners by Judith Martin impress their tormentors. This ill- advised policy only encourages bad behavior, and Miss Manners wishes people would cut. it out. They cannot possibly be enjoying. it Miss Manners has noticed two forms of hoity-toity currently rag- ing — the. private and the com- mercial. Private-life hoity-toitiness tries harder to assume the holy mantle of propriety. Those who have mastered a few rules of etiquette (remarkably few, Miss Manners coolly observes) or who have ac- quired expensive artifacts, attempt to use them as weapons with which to berate others. Each item in these generally pitiful storehouses of in- formation and/or dry goods is us- ed to measure other people. The idea is that if you don’t know what I know, or if you don’t have what Ihave, you really don’t count. _ The absurdity is that supervising the behavior of other people, even acknowledging that one has notic- ed their supposed mistakes or lacks, is itself an ‘enormous eti- quette violation. And good behavior does not require expen- sive equipment, as if it were a lux- ury sport, . Miss Manners would suppose that hoity-toity behavior would in- spire its own punishment, since no one really enjoys being in the company of showoffs. It is a sim- ple solution to give these people a good counter-snicker and then leave them to enjoy whatever might be left of their smugness. But surprisingly often, petty tyrants do succeed in getting a stranglehold or passing judgment over the more timid. When they announce that they themselves are doing everything right and other people are wrong, the latter may be cowed into conceding their su- premacy as arbiters of manners and taste. That is a mistake. Miss Manners hereby gives you leave to condemn pretentiousness and snobbery as exceedingly bad manners and to waste no further thought on people who practice them. . Commercial hoity-toitiness, which is the deliberate policy of treating people contemptuously in order to make them spend money in the hope of buying better treat- ment, ought to be even more self- defeating. Why would people pay good money when they are sub- jected to rudeness? And yet this, too, often suc- ceeds. Shops, restaurants and other public accommodations that systematically take the attitude that the customer has to fork over huge amounts of money — for over-priced goods or in bribes disguised as tips — to prove that he is acceptable to the help, seem to thrive. Professional firms that require their receptionists to treat even expected visitors as intruders whose claims must be verified by the staff when they have the time, continue to do business. Again, Miss Manners is bewildered that nastiness works. Why don't customers simply avoid places that treat them badiy? Why don’t they complain to manage- ment or to their professional hosts that they find this unpleasant? She takes some pleasure in knowing that such businesses are particularly vulnerable to making mistakes about which potential customers are rich and demanding and which are not. Those with the most money to spend are least like- . ly to feel they have to dress up to go shopping, or to advertise with their behavior that they don’t care how much they spend on their entertainment. But the less secure are going along with it, hoping to pass muster with some disco dcorman or to command the attention of a haughty salesman. At the very least, hoity-toitiness should be recognized as the irritant it is, rather than the one it is meant to be. Rudeness is rudeness, no matter what it calls itself, and should never be granted respect. Pretentiousness only compounds the error. Just as graciousness to everyone is a true sign of superi- ority in an individual, giving ex- cellent service to everyone is the best indication that a professional establishment is worth patronizing. “Perhaps by new you understand that Miss Manners’ puzzlement at ¢-uven concessions to people who behave badly comes from a mam- moth snobbery that dwarfs hoity- toitiness. This consists of her being totally unable to imagine why anyone would stoop so low as to accept judgment from such vulgar sources. DEAR MISS MANNERS — My husband presented me with a beautiful wedding ring to repla-- my original one. It is quite sizable and ofien receives notice from ac- quaintances and strangers. While most of the aforemen- tioned are gracious and remark about the ring’s beauty, many are quite crass. I have been asked the following many times: “Is it real?"’ ‘How many carats is that?’’ ‘*Aren’t you afraid to wear it?”’ “*What does your husband do?”’ (Implication: How can he afford to spend so much?) Please help me with tactful replies that would be appropriate without being putdowns. I do not feel J need answer with factual in- formativn, nor do I wish to do so. GENTLE READER — Answers to such questions not only need not be informative, they need not even be relevant. 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