Doug Collins 8 - Friday, December 6, 1985 ~ North Shore News © get this straight vee BILL BENNETT missed the boat when he at- tended that big pow-wow on free trade. He should have told the rest of the country we didn’t need a cold-bone stew, and that when he opens Expo he’s going to declare the Kingdom of British Columbia. There could be a wonder- ful Freedom from Wimpland Independence Day speech with only ‘ninor deviations from Shakespeare. It would go something like this: “There shall be in B.C. seven halfpenny loaves sold for a penny; the three- hooped pot shall have ten hoops, and I will make it a felony to drink small beer. All the realm shall be in common, and in Skid Road shall there be good dinner for all. And when I am king there shall be no money; all shall eat and drink on my score...’’. “US. forces would be welcome to set up bases here, and would bring in so many Yankee bucks that merchants would dance around the Maypole.” The bit about no money fis mere figure of speech stuff, of course. In the Kingdom of British Colum- bia, money would fall from the very trees once the dead hand of Ottawa was lifted. And we would be showered with divers advantages: The deficit would disap- pear into thin air, We would quit handing over 20 cents in every tax dollar to pay it off. In far-away Ot- tawa, Brian Baloney could go consult with his buddy Timmy Trudeau about the remedy. We, after ail, weren't the ones who cook- ed it up and kept it going. They were. Neither would we need to worry about defence. The [ U.S. is defending us now and would defend us then. The only difference would be that it wouldn’t cost us a dime. U.S. forces would be welcome to set up bases here, and would bring in so many Yankee bucks that merchants would dance around the Maypole. There would be free trade with no ifs, ands or buts, and a thousand financial Nowers would bloom. The lumber industry would go * mad with joy and the cost of cars, clothes, socks, beer, California wines and other booze would be cut by haif. Our 28 MPs would. be unemployed, it is true, but all they’re employed at now + is selling us out to Baloney, Turncoat and Broadkid. If they wanted work they could always become pages in the House of Commons, where they could grovel even more than they do now. Quebec would no longer be a drag on our purses and an albatross around our necks, Goodbye, French on the cornflake boxes. Good- bye, CBC. Hello, BCBC. Our diplomatic service would be no larger than a corporal's guard. Just a few guys in Washington and London. For the rest, we could pay the Brits or even the Botswanians a few bucks to Jook arter our in- terests. | mean, have you ever tried to get help from External Affairs while in foreign fields? There would, needless to say, be no memberships in posh Hong Kong clubs at $22,750 a time. Our am- bassadors could join the local Legion at $20 a shot. Metric would be only a bad memory, of course, and we'd all be able to count again and know whether it was hot or cold, Not only that, but gasoline would cost 55 cents a gallon less, that being what the feds are robbing us of at the pump. Being half-way decent, we would allow the Balonyites to use our ports. For a price. And there’d be no need to worry about their marching in and grab- bing things back. For one thing, their army will be full of women. For another, it would be against their human rights code. Foreign aid would go the way of ali flesh, and we'd have a big party on the pro- ceeds, “gasoline would cost 55 cents a gallon less, that being what the Jeds ure robbing us of at the pump.” On the being-abject front, Otto Jellyneck could apologize all he likes for the ‘atrocities’? we committed against the Japanese during the war. We'd be too busy boozing cheap booze to care. immigration would be a thing of the past, naturally, and refugees could find refuge elsewhere. There’s always Toronto, the Wimp | Capital of the world, if you don’t’ count Ottawa. As everyone at my water- ing hole agrees, the Kingdom of British Colum- bia would be a great place to celebrate the ten-hooped three-hooped pot. Teacher gets scholarship CATHERINE FENIAK, a North Vancouver resident, and a= special education teacher in Schoo! District 38, has been selected as one of two candidates to receive a Rotary Foundation Scholar- ship for 1986. tastic price! 986-6042 eae Fare includes: C] Round trip non-stop train ticket to Blackcomb Look and feel fantastic when our professional and attentive haircare specialists give you our high quality saton-perin featuring Helene Curtis products —- all at a Fan- 1857 Lonsdale She was chosen from District 504 which comprises 60 clubs from Snohomish County in Washington to Prince George in the B.C. interior. Rotary Foundation Schol- arships underwrite the cost Famtrastic Sarna s Piewy Eocztieorn Liss '/ R.