Family raucous raised over funeral plants

BEAR MISS MANNERS -— My husband’s mother died
recently, and after the service, the plants were arranged so
they could be taken home by the family, while the floral
arrangements went to nursing homes, the church and tke

grave site.

What is the proper disposition
of the plants? Are they taken
home by someone who knows the
person who sent them? Are they
divided among the reiaiives who
live in the city, regardless of who
sent them?

I ask because 1 know this will
happen in the family again, and
although it may be hard to
believe, herve were some hard feel-
ings about the ‘‘disposition."’

GENTLE READER — Your
husband’s mother died and
prevailing feelings are about the
funeral plants? Miss Manners
knows that some people are rude
enough to bring up the question
of the family jewels after the
funeral, but this is ridiculcus.

She shudders to think what sort
of tragedy it would take to make
these. people reflect about the
transience of the world and what
is important and what not.

There are no etiquette rules

about who gets the plants. But the
proper way to dispose of anything
when the wishes of the deceased
are not known (she presumes they
are not in .this case) is for those
‘closest to confer over who could
use what, and for each to gauge
‘the others’. wishes so that those
who really deeply care about
something can have it.
”--- Miss Manners knows. that this is
not. the usual practice. She has
. heard only too many accusations
‘+ hurled. about who deserved what,

i whe just made off with things,

veven if: doing. so with the funeral
. offerings i is a new low.

Polite: people ‘do not engage in
this “activity: And’ when: they are
_. thevictims of those who do, they

"reflect long and hard about the:

OA disservice it is to the. memory of
“1: the:.deceased to. squabble ~ over

a what i is left...

Judith
Martin

MISS MANNERS

DEAR MISS MANNERS —
Wm engaged to be married next
Vaientine’s Day. As it turns out, I
have five groomsmen and onl
four bridesmaids, because
fifth bridesmaid backed out on
me. What can I do with the fifth
greomsman? We consider him a
close friend and we wart him to
be part of our wedding ceremony.

GENTLE READER — As you
are being married on Valentine’s
Day, Miss Manners surmises that
you are a great romantic. She
must caution you, bowever, that
the likelihood of all the brides-
maids and groomsmen falling in
Idve with one another at the altar,
especially in the pairs to which
you bave assigned them,
remote. |

it is therefore not necessary to
match them into couples. If your
aitendants pair off for the reces-
sional, the fifth groomsman sim-
ply marches behind the last pair.

DEAR. MISS MANNERS —
My parents will soon be hosting

their S0th-wedding-anniversary
party for about 150 guests, most
of whom their children do not
know. For the entertainmeni, they
have plawned that each of their
children, as well as their children’s
spouses, will make a few remarks
on what it's tike to be a raember
of the family.

My brothers and sisters and [
do not feet this is a goud idea, for
several reasons. It might not be
very entertaining for those
assembled (as it might be for an
alt-family gethering), but, more
important, our immediate family
hasn't gotten together in almost
20 years (we all live in different
cities) and thus we don't have
shared memories of recent de-

cades,

Do you think it a good idea? Is
there some form of acceptable
entertainment at these events? The
only anriversary party I've been
to that had entertainment was one
at which 2 couple who were pro-
fessional performers seag several
songs in honor of the anniversary
couple. This was sweet and light
and well-received.

GENTLE READER Miss
Manners agrees that it is a.terrible
idea to put children on the spot
and bore the guests. But she also
begs you to consider the state of
mind of people — your very own
parents ~ who would go to the
extreme of coercing their children
into making public testimonials to
them.

The fact that the family hasn’t
gotten together in 20 years only
makes it more poignant. Your
parents are rather in the position
of children who want to force
divorced parents to pretend to be
a couple, just for the occasion of
their own wedding. They want to
nudge you to behave like united
and devoted children in front of
their friends.

Anniversary parties do not need
” special entertainment: the guests

are supposed to be sufficiently
entertained by enjoying sociability

--

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with the couple and others who
care for them.

But toasts would be in order.
Miss Manners suggests that you
children interpret the parental
wish by offering several brief but
effusive toasts to your parents. It

might also be a good idea for you
to suppleinent these individually
with letters of reminiscence and
affection. If your parents choose
to share these later with their
friends, at least you won't have to
be a party to watching the display.

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