9 - Sunday, November 20, 1988 — North Shore News

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PROM TIE SASKATCHEWAN PAYEE ION

MARY COLLINS is my favorite politician. What would I
have done without her these past four years? Didn’t she in-
spire the Mary Collins Golden Turkey Awards, given in
honor of the worst speech ever made in parliament? And
couldn’t she always be relied on to fill this space when the

late. Never mind, she got Small
Business Week right — on Oct. 29,

1987, plus National Access j i | atl

Awareness Week, on May 30, BREAKFAST, LUNCH &

1988. a tenn
On Feb, 27, 1985, she was DINNER

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weather was dull?

It is therefore in a spirit of grati-
tude that I mention her today, the
day before polling day. And I
thank the good Lord for removing
me from politics so that I am able
to do so. God moves in mysterious
ways...

My scaly eye began to tune in on
Mary about a year after she was
parachuted into Capilano and
subsequently sent to the fleshpots
of Ottawa. Aha, says I to myself,
what do we have here?

his sincerity.

Mary being such an interesting
person, I have kept close watch on
her activities and can report on
some of them herewith.

The pasty-faced Svend Robinson
holds her dear, for instance, she
having gone along with him on
“equality’’ for queers on the
Parliamentary Committee on
Equality Rights. He has even men-
tioned her approvingly in his cam-
paign.

“M. ary can always be relied on for the Churchillian touch,
too. On March 4, 1985, she announced that these were
special times, and that it was a ‘special privilege’ for her to

acknowledge and celebrate the six-month mark of ‘the
election of a new government for our great Canada.

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What we had there was a lady
who knew how to please Brian
Baloney, and there was no lirnit to
what she would do to make Brian
happy.
Dispatched to Ethiopia on a
government junket, for example,
she returned full of gush and guff
on the merits of Col. Mengistu, the
gentle lad of communist persua-
sion who runs that happy Iand.

“*f think he’s a very sincere per-
son,’’ she said on her return.

She was right, of course. He was
certainly very sincere about doing
in poor old Haile Selassie, the Lion
of Judah. Whether he actually held
the pillow over that ancient
emperor’s head while the royal
person gasped his fast is not re-
corded. But there is doubt about

That’s serious stuff, of course,
in addition to being sincere. But
there’s another, more exciting side
to Mary’s political life. Especially
during Question Time.

On April 28, 1988, she was of-
fering birthday congratulations to
the Emperor of Japan, and said
‘*Happy Birthday”’ in Japanese.
According to Hansard, that reads:
**Gokenfho wo oy — Mri
Itashimasu.”*

On May 10, 1988, she was on
her feet extolling National Nurses’
Week and Florence Nightingale’s
birthday. (i know i’m not a nurse,
but am a bit miffed she never told
the House about my birthday.)

On May 6, 1988, she was up
talking about National Forests
Week. Alas, she was three days

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“‘happy to announce to the House
the 13th Annual Baltic Evening on
Parliament Hill."’

On April 21, 1988, she was con-
gratulating Canfor Lumber Co.
for discovering a new spray that
would prevent lumber from going
mouldy.

On Aug. 28, 1987, she asked
Mr. Speaker whether he knew that
more than 1,000 earthquakes occur
annually in Canada. (Mr.
Speaker's degree of knowledge on
that matter is not recorded. Nor is
there any sign that he really cared.)

Mary can always be relied on for
the Churchillian touch, too. On
March 4, 1985, she announced that
these were special times, and that it
was a ‘‘special privilege’? for her to
acknowledge and celebrate the
six-month mark of ‘‘the election of
a new government for our great
Canada.""

On Oct. 5, 1987, she was hitting
the high spots again, this time on
free trade, stating that her great-
grandchildren would remember
Oct. 3, 1987, as a key date in
Canada’s development.

Said she: ‘‘Brian and Joe and
Pat and Mike will join the Fathers
of Confederation as great Cana-
dian statesmen who had the vision
and courage to make a deal.”’

Whether Brian and Joe and Pat
and Mike blushed at this en-
comium is also not recorded.

Well, there you have a short
review of what my favorite politi--
cian hus been up to this past few
years. For goodness’ sake vote for
her. What would | do without her?

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