Page 8 - Sunday, December 30, 1984 - North Shore News

The ‘best stories’ of 1984
at you never got to read

th

T THIS TIME of the year the daily media
carry the big stories of the past 12 months.

But they always miss the best ones. Doctor
Colhns herewith steps into the breach.

In Los Angeles, James
Oliver Jackson was charged
with offering a million-dollar
contract to have Ronald
Reagan shot, stuffed, and
_put on display in a gun shop.
He was caught while seeking
the services of a taxidermist.
The president said he would
rather be in Madame
Tussaud’s, London, along
with all the other famous
people. (Make that should
have said.)

During the federal elec-
uon, Mrs. Geills Turner, wife
of John, went to a restauramt
washroom and cleaned some
spots off his pants when a
walter spilled something on
them. This offended the
Status harpses, but pleased a
lot of normal folk. Not
reported was whether John
stayed at the table in his
underpants.

Turner leapt into the news
again when a women’s group
in Ontario introduced a
**Turner Shield’’, more collo-
quially known as a bum-wrap
Yoke, see?). The device was
designed to protect them
from John's bum-patting
forays. But Dr. Collins says
those womyn had nothing to
worry about. (*‘Womyn’"’ —
libber language.)

A survey on how well or
badly European men dress
has the British at the bottom
of the hist. The reason, it
seems, is that ‘‘the suff and
starchy Brit’’ puts himself
last in line for spending.
Most of his available cash

Free cookies!

Get deliciously tree
chocolate chip Cookies
with every pizza you order

get this
Straight

~~

by
Doug Collins
P|

goes on mortgages, school
fees, life insurance and
clothes for the wife and kids.

Sounds just like home.

In the aptly-named Nueil-
Sur-Layon, France, a doctor
apphed to keep his dead wife
in a basement deep freeze so
she could be brought back to
life in the next century. There
was no follow on this story,
so we don’: know whether his
bid succeeded.

In Britain again, the Iron
Lady refused to lift the
15-per-cent tax on a_ best-
selling record put out by a
bunch of rockers in aid of
Ethiopia.

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Sundays from 1pm

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In Toronto, Chinese mer-
chants are offering
aphrodisiacs in the form ot
dried tiger testicles, deer
pemses and rhino horns. You
can also get dried bats for
skin problems and_= dried
worms for arthrituus. The
owner of the shop where
these goodies are dispensed
— the happily-named James
Gin — says there’s nothing in
his store that you can get in
the local supermarket.

In Einsiedeln, Switzerland
(which name, loosely
translated, means settling tn,)
Pope John Paul denounced

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sex for pleasure even among
young married couples. Well,
when God tnvented sex, there
was no Pope

In Hamilton, Ont., more
than 1,000 happy gals altend-
ed a performance staged by
the Peter Adonis TraveHing
Fantasy Show. The
amazingly-named Ald. Mary
Kiss objected, stating
members of the cast had talk-
ed about how the _ ladies
become excited ‘‘and paw
them and try to mp off thetr
briefs’’. The cops were called

3

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