debit side

‘several .

"When ca total the

balance sheet of ¢ight’

wasted hours, I find a
total of six letters. on the |
=- and a small _

noggin of Scotch on the.

credit side.. There it is
secure, having “béen
used to the full to assist —
the spleen in the
writing of the letters. It

can never be transfer-—
red to the other side of

the ledger. It has dome IIINIIIVfNintitiititttiiutatattn

its job nobly, leaving a.
gentle afterglow as an

added dividend.

The letters are a DEAD
LOSS! They are singed about
the edges with fire and
brimstone and generously
sprinkled with. words* not.
generally associated with a
Methodist garden party. The
gentle secretaries at the
Better Business: Bureau;
Chambers. of .Commerce or
the legal offices: of Twitt,
Catchpole; Tort and Fili-
buster will -not. have their
virginal sensivities, offended
(if such still exist today) ...
_ because I tore: them: up, .
having run out of spleen but:

not .the Scotch -- which
mellows. © >
Likewise, the Small Claims”

Court will not be burdened
with my effort to determine
(after much. erasure on a
mimeographéd form spawn-
ed by a 1932 Monarch
typewriter), just who the hell.
is the Party of the First Part
or whether I am the Plaintiff
or the Defendant!

In short, I chewed the butt
off several Editors and
Publishers who publish this
column -- and then went their

ways....WITHOUT
PAYING OL’ BILLI

The Editors, generally,
went out the back door, after
a brief encounter with . the
- Publisher -- who wanted to
know why the tag was poing
belly-u;;? |

The Publishers, more
attuned to the facts of life
because they weren’t up. to
their eyeballs: putting the
sheet together, consulted the
tourist folders, locked the
door -- and headed for sunny
California!

So Vm in. the glue for
several hundred bucks and a
helluva lot of. blood, sweat
and tears, for which there is
only one answer: WRITE
ANOTHER STORY!

eoeee |

‘

Therefore, today’s column
is dedicated to the countless
Editors and Publishers who
put your weekly newspaper
together and. sweep the floor,»
when they have the time.
Thank God, they outnumber
the shysters and dead-beats
a thousand-to-one!

_ So, without further ado, |
let’s turn to the “Fountain
Inn. Tribune’; published in
South Carolina by. Robert
Quillen, who is doubttess by ©
now setting type in 32-Point
Bodoni for ‘‘The Elysian
Fields Harp & Herald”’.

cha Maaincenndnn ben ica & Mab cs acu udu A LDS hehe MAMMAL A sale! 5, ns aA he cL Subd AA ibe ideal MORI es)

“gR UMMA be steeertenideio © sss suntan, decantation sshd naib bad

a etna Ag te
pecan

at

- Here is. what was inserted.
‘after a conventionally “dull ""

and stereotyped ‘wedding -
announcement: .

.& ‘The.

a lick of work ... since his
‘Junior year. at college:

“his: Dad is ‘a ~ soft:
hearted old fool who picks up.
the bad cheques instead. of.

letting him go to: jail, where —
he Belongs.

fast fittle idiot who has been
kissed and handled by. every |
boy in town. since she was.
‘twelve years old. She paints.
like a Sioux Indian, sucks
Cigarettes “in — secret,. and.”
drinks mean corn likker when:
she is out-joy-riding in her
dad’s car at night. She
doesn’t know how. to cook,
sew, or keep house. .

“The groom wore 2 rented
_dinner suit over athletic.
underwear. of: imitation. silk.
His pants were held up. by
green. suspenders and his
Number-Eight patent-leather
shoes harmonized nicely with |
the axle-grease polish of his .
hair. In addition to his jag, he
carried a. pocketknife, a
bunch of keys, a bill for the

ring, and his usual look of»
imbeciliiy.. .

“The bride wore some
kind of white thing ‘that left
most of her legs sticking out
at one end and her’ bony
upper end sticking out at the
other. The young people will
make their home with the
bride’s __ parents,
means they will sponge on
the old man until he dies and —
then she will take im
washing. The happy. couple
anticipates a blessed event in
about five months.”” - .

; Whe

Now there is a REAL
country Editor! A man after’.
my own heart. A vanishing
breed, BUT HE WASN'T
ALONE.

' He wrote: editorials for the

Baltimore =‘‘Sun’’ but

refused to léave the gentle
life of ‘Fountain Inn, South

Carolina. In humble apology

‘sent the gang at the

-““Sun”’ one Carolina’ possum
in a box padded with sweet
potatoes.

' ‘ .

- It was considerably over-
ripe when it reached Balti-
more, which provoked the
staff to send him a telegram.
It is probably the most
famous — cone-linér in. ‘the.

t

which

some time.2go. It is s to bo cleaned up andl imcluded in the
hg ies re

Park’s:

cancer
improvement. work ‘being.
 Vanceuver. The - renee fee. was.

groom is a popular Lonsdale but:
young bum who hasn’t done | _ Keith Road,’ s

-} 1981. LONS

done in Victoria Pack, North
sregmegee on:

vement. Project, [John Kendrick photo}.

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includes yorkshire pudding
pan gravy, vegetables of
the day and a visit to our
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Pat’s Plece 445 13th St. W.V.|

for reservations call | 926-8922. |

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