38 — Friday, May 8, 1998 — Norih Shore News

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north share news

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TO

Sarcasm always conquers road rage

GONE are the days of
the nice long drive
with the music
cranked-up and your
worries whipping out
the wide-open window.

These days I hate driving.

Let's face it, our super-
saturated roadways are clut-
tered with bonehead drivers
with their own secret ver-
sions of right-of-way.

People are just as apt to
give you the finger as wave
and smile before they cut
you off, It’s dangerous out
there, Road rage rules and
I'm tired of it.

Like many of you, I’ve
long thought of myself as a
competent driver, but these
days everything that made
me confident about my

signals

cigarette I enjoy after wolfing
down a Big Mac in a quarter
mile is getting difficult to
light. Not that I can’t drive
with my wrists — that’s easy.
It’s that moment J have to
look down and check my
Zippo for ignition that scares
me: some bonchead out in
front is liable to stop for no
good reason and wham! — it
looks like my fault.

Lhaven’t bothered to get
myselfa cellular phone

because I'm sure Pd hare
that too. No marrer haw
cool it looks to vak on the
phone while cruising
Lonsdale, there's sure to be
some bonehead who doesn’t
realize how important I am
and cut inc off or force me
to swerve — which can’t be
done without dropping the
phone and the cool chat
accompanies it.

And don’t get me started
on drinking and driving!
Gone are the days when
“Swervin’ Mervin” was a
right of passage and bragging
to the boys about the bottle-
drive-on-the-fly was common
Hangover-Sunday conversa-
tion. I mean, why do they
have parking lots at Pubs if
they don’t expect you to
drive?

Today everybody has to

drive sober, like it makes us
better drivers or something.
Driving sober is boring and
the bored driver is a danger-
ous driver.

And what’s with all these
“High Occupancy Vehicle”
lanes sprouting up every:
where? Why is it now politi-
cally correct to car-pool? |
mean, when J go for I drive
the last thing I need is some
jerk in the passenger’s seat
mooching a ride and gabbing
my car off. [ hate driving
enough as it is, why com-
pound my angst? Next thing
you know they'll want me to
ze-install my catalytic con-
verter. Or worse, start taking
the bus!

No thanks. Sitting in all
that smog is dangerous.
Gotta drive though it as fast
as possible.

T hate these new “Red
Light Cameras” they have
coming our. As if thev expect
mic to stop at a red light.
Everybody knows that a red
light means “last chance for
the last three or four cars to
get through before cross traf-
fic gets impatient.”

Give me a break. Stop?
Nobody else does so P'm
sure fo get rear-ended, and
that’s dangerous. Reality
cheque please.

I’ve got a new plan lest I
become consumed by this
new hatred for driving Pve

acquired. From now on |
won't drive. 1 quir.

Tit have my Big Macs, my
booze and my smokes deliv-
ered. People can get me on a
land line and even go to
great lengths explaining to
me their car-pool itinerary
and how I'm not invited.
And Ill see enough red
lights at Christmas time.
That’s my plan. f quit.

After all, | hare ic when I
hare driving and that’s dan-
gerous.

Quitting is obviously the
only way to be safe.

motoring abilities has me
frightened for my life. I hate
driving.

T hate it because it’s no
longer safe to eat a Big Mac
as I motor down the street.
Sure, [can still grip the slop-
py-excuse for a burger with
both hands and drive adroitly
with my knee, but left turns

¢ become difficult; right
curs nearly impossible. That
can be hazardous these days.
Why use a “drive-thru” if
you can’t drive?

i hate driving because the

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