42 - Sunday. July 14, 1991 — North Shore News Long marriages: the bond that endures TAKE Ao glance at that older couple raking leaves in their back yard or browsing in’ the local bookshop, ‘The chances are good they are one of oar overlooked family resources —- the partners of a dJong-sianding marriage. So much attention bias been paid to divorcee and family breakdown that it's casy to forget thar a Ca- nadian marriage, on average, lasts over 30 years. Ralph and Bertha Purves, of Yancouver, now in their 80s, have been married for almost 60 years. They are part of a majority of Canadians over 65 who are mar- ried. Ralph, who volunteers his time as a storyteller in elementary schools, explains that he and Ber- tha had a long courtship during the Depression. *‘We had three or four years to explore each other's interests ... we talked about poli- tics, art and literature ... we talk- ed about commitment, and how to make a marriage work.”’ The companionship that Ralph and Bertha found in their youth has aged well over the decades. For them, like many other cou- ples, the later years — freed from the constraints of child-rearing — can be amongst the most satis- fying of a contemporary marriage. Dr. Benjamin Schlesinger, pro- fessor of social work at the Uni- versity of Toronto, argues there is a lot more work to be done. “Later life marriages have never had it so good ... couples are bet- ter off financially, they travel ... what we have not examined fully is why so many marriages are satisfactory.”” In his own study, Dr. Schies- inger interviewed 129 Canadian couples who were in long-standing marriages. When his respondents were asked what factors helped their marriage to last, respect and trust for each other ranked highest as desirable qualities. The couples also said it was very important to feel comfortable with each other. One clue to what has created the successful dynamic in Ralph and Bertha Purves’ marriage has been their willingness over the years to modify their expectations of one another. ‘‘Bertha and I decided early on we needed both the intimacy and the freedom to be ourselves ... it’s important to develop a friendship and to trust each other in marriage."’ Mastha and Ken Walmsley (not their real names) are residents of the small oceanfront community of Crescent Beach, south of Van- couver, and have been married for 53 years. Martha recollects that her parents’ marriage served her well as a model. ‘“Toleraace, forgiveness, patience are all very importint. Ewas so much in love at 24 f didn’t think about what | expected. other than a happy and fruitful marriage. My parents didn’t quarrel and | expected co emulate that, Although Ken and | had only known each other for a few months, we adjusted to each other very well." OF the many issues facing fo- day's couple over 65, retirement and health concerns stand out as Jandmarks of marriage in’ later life. A number of recent: studies have concluded that the presence of a spouse “does add to well- being in retirement’ says Lynn McDonald and Richard Wanner in their 1990 book Refirement in Canada. For many couples, retirement offers the opportunity to fulfil theiz life-tong dreams. Ralph Purves, who took early retirement at age 60, sums up his philosophy as ‘*Never retire!’’ He solved his own dilemma at retire- ment by leaving immediately with Bertha on a six-month house ex- change to England. The trip was the signal for Ralph and Bertha that their retirements could be an active exploration of places, peo- ple and ideas through courses and travel. For both Ralph and Ber- tha, who had left schol early to earn their living, retirement was “the beginning of their educa- tion.’” Retirement represents one pro- found transition for marriages in later life. Health decline may have an even more marked effect. In her book Family Ties and Aging, Ingrid Connidis, associate pro- fessor of sociology at the Univer- sity of Western Ontario, says ‘“*When a spouse becomes ill, the nature of interdependence between a wife and husband may be altered dramatically.’ Martha Walmsley laments, ‘‘It’s a little disappointing when your health runs down. My body is disintegrating — I’m creaky in the joints. It takes the steam out of you. I hate it! We just try to en- joy every day.”” Ralph and Bertha Purves have attended workshops by renowned palliative care expert Elisabeth Kubler-Ross on death and dying. Ralph believes that it is helpful “for older couples to discuss death and the finality of each other.” Fifty-seven years later, Ralph Purves can sum up his marriage to Bertha this way, “commitment, trust and love ... both of oneself and each other.”* By Margaret Davidson and Maria LeRose (B.C. Council tor the Family). OPTIONS FOR VOLUNTEERS THE FOLLOWING is a selection of many volunteer opportunities available from North Shore Community Services (NSCS). COURTEOUS, English-speak- ing people who are interested in the arts are wanted to greet visitors touring the homes and studios of North Shore artists. The hours are cither mornings from 9:30 a.m. to 1 p.m. or afternoons from 1:30 to 5:30 p.m. Orientation will be provided. RELIABLE, friendly drivers with their own cars are needed to drive patients from the North Shore to the cancer clinic on West 10th Street in) Vancouver. The hours are flexible. Reimbursement for mileage and liability insurance will be provided. A DAYCARE helper with good language skills is wanted to assist children with a variety of activi- ties. The shifts are flexible from Monday to Friday. . POSITIVE, caring women with no children under 13 years are needed for the Big Sisters pro- gram. Volunteers will develop One-on-one relationships with young women who are between the ages of seven and 17 years. A long-term commitment of one year is necessary. Training pro- vided and volunteer should be prepared (to donate five hours per week. SOMEONE with good people skills is wanted to interview pro- spective volunteers and refer them to agencies for volunteer oppor- tunities. The hours are Clexible. A NON-JUDGMENTAL | per- son is wanted to lend support in humerous ways to people with AIDS. The hours are fexible, and extensive screening and training will be provided. New volunteer information nights are the first and third Tuesday of every month. If you are interested in volun- teering call Dru at 985-7138. NSCS is a member agency of the United Way. a MARINE DRIVE PAY ‘N’ SAVE MARINE DRIVE PAY 'N’ SAVE FREE FRUIT STIX INCLUDED Limit one coupon per purchase. This coupon cannot be used in conjunction with other coupons to increase valve. 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