42 - Sunday, May 25, 1986 ~ North Shore News Revealing family skeletons can be avoided...with care DEAR MISS Manners — A question often asked by ac- making the mistake of answering quaintances — a simple, friendly inquiry, asked out of more than was asked. well-meant curiosity — invariably throws me. And, in- variably, my answer throws the questioner. by Judith Martin tt is: “Do you have any brothers or sisters?"’ - The ‘straightforward: answer. is, “Yes, an. older sister and a younger brother, who died a few years ago.’’. If they want to know more, and they often do, miy sister is a. patient at a state mental hospital: near my parents’ house, and my brother committed suicide: “This is, of course, shocking and . tragic — to no one more than to me-and my parents. But it is also” more than T.want.to tell acquain-. tances — says the managing editor interviewing me over lurch, or the reporter. taking me around to meet the ‘cops on my beat. it is‘ also, clearly, a far more devastating answer. than they bargained for. The reporter quick- ly changed the subject,. apologiz- ing, -and.-the managing editor wondered : myself. — about. my own sanity, in other words. Wo, and it’s none of his business.) ” Another.: "response ‘is for .'the questioner. to start telling me about the mental illness and suicide at- tempts in his or. her own: family, which makes for cocktail or lunch conversations. so.. weighty . and upsetting that my impulse is to leave. I could say, child,” and sometimes I do, but it makes-me feel that I am betraying . my brother and sister to deny their existence, even casually. I could say, ‘‘Yes,’’. and change the sub- ject... without further elaboration, if, ‘1 worried’ about: “‘No, I’m an only . but it’s a pretty transparent move and seems rude. I could pretend 1 haven't heard them, or spill my drink, or get up and buy some cigarettes, or get something in my eye — I've tried most of these, but I’m a lousy ac- tor and the question can resurface. Usually, what I do is answer the question — breathing deeply and trying to remain dispassionate — in as much detail as they want, but * its made for some pretty gloomy tunches. I would Jove to know what you would do in my place. There must be a better way to handle this, for myself and the others. GENTLE READER — Actual- ly, you are doing more than answering .the question. You are Are you getting your NEWS . every Wednesday, Friday, & Sunday? . If. ‘yes', then we're doing our job. 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If rudely pressed, you merely continue 10 give minimal answers: ‘‘Where does she live?’’ “Near my parents."” ‘“‘What does she do?”’ **She doesn't work.’’ Your reticence does not show ; & Palette‘ Colours, ct Y 10, HANG 4600 EAST HASTINGS, BURNABY WHOLESALE AND RETAIL — FREE CATALOGUES AVAILABLE atsdes. 4 Shope Cebun sdignee shame in your family, but a com- mendable, if rare distaste for discussing your family in a business context. The simple, friendly curiosity you describe is inappropriate here — what you voluntarily confide to friends is another matter — and not always innocently meant, as the questions about your own sanity indicate. Now just don’t go spreading the word that one need not always sat- isfy another's curiosity, or you'll soon be out of business. ‘exCLUDING SPECiANS) - Polished Brass +”) Glass: all: «“Reveryble” «Ho Entra Wee Requited * . 16 Operate Fans & Light” _ Patute Seperstely.or » Togetner * *-AGds Elegance To & + Room! 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