44 — Sunday, March 29, 1992 ~ North Shore News LIFESTYLES Respect for neighbor’s privacy is rare PRIVACY? DOES anyone remember the concept of privacy? Judith Martin inappropriate instances of the an- cient and ever annoying sin of failing to mind one's own business. The modern argument for revealing everything about oneself to friend and stranger alike is that it is therapeutic to confess, vir- tuous to keep nothing concealed, and philanthropic to sect an exam- ple of imperfection for others, who might otherwise brood about being the only people in the world ever to have had troubles, For probing into everything about everyone else, there are two justifications, depending on whether you actually know the people. If you deal face to face with the ; .objects of your curiosity, even if MISS MANNERS As difficult as it may now be to imagine, Miss Manners recalis a time when etiquette rules suc- cessfully prevented people from telling everything they knew and asking about everything they wanted to know. Those who failed to guard their own privacy were condemned as blabbermouths and bores, rather than admired as examples of health and openness. Those who failed to respect the privacy of others were considered busybodies, rather than volunteer. .therapists or students of moral character. Miss Manners, who has lived in the world for some time, not altogether a stranger to juicy con- versation, is not in the least sur- prised that people are interested in talking about the private lives of themselves and everyone else. There will always ‘be occasions when confidences and even non- vicious gossip are acceptable. But she is shocked at the lengths people will go to in order to put a virtuous cast on blatantly you are hardly acquainted with them, you congratulate yourself for doing them a service, no mat- ter how much you may have made them squirm. You tell yourself that such investigations have the object of forcing them to enjoy the therapeutic, virtuous and phil- anthropic benefits just described, even if they are led to do so kick- ing and screaming. When your curiosity concerns public figures whom you don’t know, the argument is that these people have an obligation to be tole models and must be held to account when they fail. Never mind that they are not modeling private behavior until you helped force it out into the open. First you snoop, the self-righteous formula goes, and then you get indignant that what you have un- covered does bear public scrutiny. An increasing number of people seem to have come to believe that the more hidden one’s life is, the more likely it is to reveal character that will manifest itself in public action, thus making it the public’s business. Miss Manners has notic- ed that in the case of elected of- ficials, this relieves their constitu- ents of the boring task of follow- ing and evaluating public action at 100% cotton lightweight summer pant — pleated front -— choose from tan, khaki, charcoal : — sizes 28-40 all. You skip that and get right to the more titillating private actions that you then claim might taint the public ones. ‘Well, Miss Manners regrets spoiling everyone’s fun, but eti- quette is never going (to (turn around and condone oid-fashion- ed snooping, no matter how con- voluted a psychological case is made for it. One can gossip about others, either behind their backs or from the safety of simply reading about them, but one can- not pretend that this is commend- able. For one thing, the virtue of honesty does not cancel out the need for exercising the other vir- tues. Is Miss Manners the only person to recognize this? Honesty does not cancel out either a trans- gression or the obligation of con- sideration for the feelings of others. Sometimes it even takes second place to the virtue of kindness to others. Owning up to one’s sins is not the same thing as atoning for — them. Miss Manners admires the spirit of forgiveness, but is puzzl- ed when people behave as if no crime should be held against any- one, provided only that the crimi- nal doesn’t try to hide it. ‘It wasn't that he went around chop- ping people up,’’ is the sort of thing one hears, ‘‘but that he lied about it.” There are cases of private of- fenses, such as adultery, in which the sinner who makes a confession “to get this off my conscience”: has committed a second trans- gression if this relief. makes another person suffer. Discretion is a virtue, too, when it means continuing to. bear one’s own burden of guilt rather than foisting it off on an innocent per- son. Discretion? Does anyone remember discretion? DEAR MISS MANNERS — I have a friend who does something in restaurants that I find quite off-putting — he tries to get chummy with the waiter, even in the nicest establishments. “Where were you born?’ he | might ask. Or ‘“‘How long have you been working here?"" It seems to be a response to the copious quizzical looks that all at- tentive waiters give. But I drop my silverware (figuratively, of course). He says that he’s just trying to be friendly or disarming. Am I . wound too tight? Or‘is he wound too loose? GENTLE READER — Some- body’s wound wrong. Why would a reasonable person want to disarm a waiter who is probably balancing a plate of hot food somewhere above the region of that person’s head? It is one of the trials of modern service jobs that the clients feel free to be chummy with people “who may well not wish to socialize with then: if given the choice. Miss Manners recommends that they fend off any unwelcome at- tention by answering relentlessly, “Very good sir.” or “Whatever you say, madam,’’ no matter what the nosy question. FANTASY ) BASEBALL + OWNMANACE YOUR OWN TEAM . pea PLAYERS/TRADE/ADD FREE AG YOUR ST. one 1 INE-UPS +S&T . EAL vero + OPTION: TOM SCCAING 6 REPORTS HEAD TOt HEAD PLAY + SINGLE TCAMS OR FULL LEAGUES WELCOME + ROTISSERIE & FANTASY STYLES ALSO AVALABLE *CALL 7 OAYS AWEEK — 10 AM. TO (0PM, 525-1556 RY. GOLF t PAI p posogecsos s I ASS: ro —— wot DLE 1 DO IT ALL AT THE | B.C. 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