54 ~ Wednesday, November 23, 1988 - North Shore News LIFESTYLES STABLE RELATIONSHIPS laving an affair is ‘a dumb idea’ Q. I knew yeu are in favor of marriage and stable relation- ships and marital fidelity, but tell the truth. In all your vast knowiedge of relationships, haven’t you ever heard of a marriage where an extramarital affair actualiy helpzd the marriage? A. Iam glad you know where I stand. I get letters from people who seem to think I am out to destroy all the sane, protective and helpful institutions in human life, from matriage to chicken soup. No. I have never heard of an ex- tramarital *ffair helping a mar- riage. However, I have heard of marriages surviving disasters and being stronger afterward. An af- fair can be just such a disaster in marriage. But you don’t go having a car accident, a bankruptcy or a house burning down in hopes of improving a marriage. It is just as silly to have an affair with such a hope or such a justification. There is scmething I have heard about many times. A woman tells me she had an affair just to have a fling or get it out of her system, and then she became hooked on the other guy and the way he made love. Bui this big love she now feels for him is not in his mind at ali. So the big affair is over and her marriage looks worse than it did. It’s a dumb idea. Forget it. Q. I have been marvied for five years, and my husband is a good lover. But I have never had an orgasm from regular sex. About two months ago he started some variations, and one of these in par- ticular has been giving me on ergasm every time. I had never done anything like that before, and now I love it. Afterwards we have regular sex to satisfy bim, but I am still not getting much out of it. This wor- ries me because I am wondering if there is something wrong with me. A girlfriend telis me this thing we do is a perversion. Should we stop? It will be hard to give it up, believe me. A. Probably a majority of sex- ually active women do not get full orgasms from what you call ‘‘regu- lar sex.'? This may be shocking news to you, but it has been general knowledge for some years now. What you and your husband are doing is your business, and it is not only all right but a big step in the right direction for you. Dr. Ruth Dr. Ruth Westheimer Together you are learning to share sexual pleasure. That is nothing to worry about; it is something to be happy about. In time you may learn how to have an orgasm from intercourse, but probably not without other sexual activities to bring you close to the point of orgasm. But even if you never reach that particular goal, you will still know how to receive as well as give sexual pleasure. I suggest that you read some good modern sex manuals and find out about foreplay and the many safe, helpful varieties of sexual ac- tivity that modern married people are enjoying with no sense of guilt or fear whatever. : Q. Lam extremely attracted to a guy at my job. He’s the best-look- ing guy I ever saw and is very sweet. The trouble is, we see things differently and we are not really right for each other. How do I fight this attraction? A. If it really is not dangerous, don’t worry. By that I mean if it is only a matter of your thinking about him all the time, absent- mindedly pouring your coffee into the sugar bowl and letting your bus go by instead of getting on, or if it makes you lose sleep and waik around half dead all day. If it isn’t anything worse than that, what’s to fight? Enjoy the daydreams, suffer the heartache and get used to it. In a couple of weeks or a month, it goes away. In two mon- ths, a friend will ask, ‘‘How is the office romance?’’ and you will say, “Who?” Or you will wrinkle your nose and say, ‘‘Oh, that."’ But if you really have something hard to fight, it is another story. If you are obvious, impulsive and un- inhibited, like saying ‘‘Hey, lover’’ when he passes you or rubbing against him like a hungry cat in the coffee-cart tine, if that is what you are trying to fight, then it is a pro- blem. You can lock yourself up or go to a behavior therapist and try to get your behavior modified. If this is one of those cases where, besides not secing things the way you do, he is a married man with three children, I just hope you have some sense — enough to avoid getting involved no matter how sweet he is. i wonder about that part con- cerning his not seeing things the way you do and not being right for you. If this is in conflict with a big desire for him and he is available, -maybe you could think about los- ing the fight with your desire. You know, sometimes people of entire- ly different viewpoints get married and in five years you can't tell them apart. 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