38 - Sunday, June 2, 1985 - North Shore News TURNING BACK ON FRIEND Stooping to gossi DEAR MISS MANNERS — 1 am a member of a large musical ensemble that has a growing professional reputa- tion. A few years back, one ‘gf our most valuable musi- cigs became involved in -scahtal. To this day, her guilt has not been demon- strated, altheugh most of us do find it to be likely. She made a bad marriage, then abruptly ended it, mak- ing no explanation. Soon thereafter, a child was born. Her husband, a popular guy, though a bit of a rake, disowned the child and said some rather awful things about his once adored wife. She maintained a haughty silence, and did not contest her husband’s charge that the boy was the product of her own transgression. A lot of awful things were said by many people, and although she did not leave our ensemble, out of loyalty or dedication or conceit (she’s a soloist) or what, I don’t know, she was ostracized by most of us. I didn’t actually originate any gossip, but 1 did ignore her attempts to maintain an ac- quaintance. ‘ Well, now she’s getting married, and I have received an invitation to her wedding. Her first wedding was a lavish affair of 500 guests. This time, it’s a pretty select group. As most of the guests, as far as I can fell, were thase who stuck by her through the. worst, I must assume that she assumes I was aiso on her side. My husband says, con- sidering that } pgloated at her public humiliation (his words), I should decline. ! feel she could only have ex- pected the opprebrium — she’s just one of those peo- ple who attrac! major events wherever they go — and besides, it might be adding insult upon injury to snub her new good fortune. Although I admit I'm a bit curious, I guess I'm willing to overlook the past, if she is. So how do I act if it turns out she knows f believed her former husband? Do I apologize, laugh it off, deny it? And hew do I explain my ailendance to those of my friends who weren't invited? Evidently, she did try to winnow out the most volubie of her deprecators. Can I forestall one of them letting her or her fiance know I was against her? Do I write her a ‘graceful’? note? Also, would you settle a dispute between my husband and me: Is it still gossip if it's true? When does it stop be- ing ‘‘just news"’ and start being ‘‘vicious gossip’*? Doesn't it make a dif- ference if you know the people well? After all, these “are all just normal human emotions. Please help, and all right, yes, I promise 1 won't any more. . miss GENTLE READER — it may be a “normal human emotion’ to throw over a collcague’s reputation to ac- cept the word of a known rake and obvious -cad, but, as your husband has observ- ed, it certainly is unattrac- tive. In the absence of the facts — and you seem not to have any, which means that you cannot classify your gossip as news — a decent person’s sympathies would naturally gravitate toward a woman is unattractive YW, changing your own hus- bahd’s unfortunately correct impression of you. Actually, Miss Manners would never find herself in your position, because she is a charter member of the Honi Qui Mal y Pense Club. (Evil Be to Him Who Evil Thinks.) . It is not merely out”-of simplicity of heart that she resolutely assumes that peo- ple are innocent of scandal unless they are dishing that scandal out themselves, in manners by Judith Martin maintaining dignified silence, over 2 man who, whatever his grievance, is not gentleman. (A true gentleman whose wife has behaved scandalously makes that clear by delcaring, “Whatever she has done, she was my wife, and 1 will not hear a word against her.'’) Knowing people well gives you all the more obligation to give them the benefit of the doubt. Through generosity of misinformation, your victim is letting you off rather easi- ly. You might as well take advantage of the mistake. Rather than to try to correct her undeservedly fortunate impression of you, Miss Manners would, in your Position, turn her attention Limited time oniy We'll clean your upholstery to look like new. Our cleaning brightens color by removing soil. ALL upholstery can be cleaned including Haitian cotton, velvet, needlepoint and brocade. Phone for an appointment during our sale and save 20%. Dan's Bucks not valid on sale items “When DAN’S in - dirt’s out” PHONE FOR FREE ESTIMATE 984-9151 open daily till 5 pm Sat. till 2pm DAN’S UPHOLSTERY CLEANING books and on television talk shows. So many interesting accusations simply turn out to be untrue these days, that it isn’t worth the risk. As for that real gentleman, your husband, here is an opportunity to say, ‘‘You were right,’’ with the resolve to make amends by wishing your colleague happiness in her new mar- riage. You may explain to him that going to the wed- ding is an opportunity to make your new stand putlic. This is not done by raking up your transgressions, and certainly not by confronting the bride or bridegroom (if the latter is a gentleman, he may not let you off so easily this time), but by saying humbly, if anyone asks, that you regret having treated her badly. And as for your own mar- riage — there is hardly any more attractive statement one can make toward one’s spouse than ‘‘You were right, dear, and 1 - was wrong.”’ DEAR MISS MANNERS — Please explain that one’s husband, ‘children, parents and in-laws are people too, and therefore it is all right to be as polite to and thoughtful of them as one would be toward 2 stranger. GENTLE READER — Certainly, if you will do Miss Manners the kindnéss of explaining something to her in return: : - Why is it that people care more to appear ‘lovable in the eyes of strangers whom they will never see again than those upon; whom their daily happiness depends? Feeling incorrect? Address SUMMER PERM SALE June 3 - June 15 Our finest quality permanent wave on sale now! Includes cut, style and condition. Cong hair extra) 40. Save 20% on these Redken products Amino Pon Shampoo Concentrate SALE $5.55 SALE $9.55 160ml 450ml PPT $77 Conditioner 125ml SALE $7.15 Phinal Phase Conditioner 100m! SALE $4.40 Park Royal. North Mall 922-9308 re your etiquette questions (in black or blue-black ink on white writing paper) to Miss Manners, in care of this newspaper. The quill short- age prevents Miss Manners from answering questions other than through this col- HOME FURNISHINGS Warehouse/Showroom OPEN TO THE PUBLIC {2 biks. behind the Avaion) at 1075 Roosevelt Cres., N.Van. 12-4 Sin 900-8738