Of pinhead SEE if you can spot the pinheads: Two researchers at British Columbia's Children’s Hospital are engaged in cut- ting-edge work. Not the kind to ler the shortage of high-tech medical equipment in the provinee get in the way of science, the two porential Nobel Prize laureates intend to take a measuring tape to the penises of their newborn charges £0 see whether there is a relationship between size and race. Team member Dr. Pik Shun Cheng, vaporized about “the diagnosis of small penis carrying important implica- tions for babies and parents.” More like a case of outsized ambition being clumsily - w rapped in pscudo-scientific hafflegab. Says this medical maven from Hong Kong who is serving a clinical fellowship at the children’s hospital: “Penis size by race has largely gone unstudied.” And what a loss that is, Think of the wealth of information to be gleaned from a bell-curve graph neatly plorted with penile size and race, the mind boggles. The man in charge of the diaper inyasiun is a Dr. Jean- Pierre Chanoinen, a brain influx from Brussels. He told Global TV that in his country, this endeavour would not have inked the back page of a local newspaper. OF course, Global’s reporter took the good doctor's word that, notwithstanding the study's controversial nature, it had medical merit. Does it? Observe the desperate attempts by the under-siege Grand Vitamin stores aren't created equal. Viva Health and Nutrition (at the site formerly known as Seabreeze) on Marine Drive in West Vancouver clearly has an edge over its campeiilors. Tee new owner continues 10 offer their customers more than a bottle of vitamins. Their vision is lo encourage us to lake responsibility Ser our own fiealth and, in doing sa create balance in our lives. Manager and author Alberto Ang practices iridology. This alter- native specialty — is studying the body by zccessing the iris. With the proper iraining It's possible 10 interpret signals about your health through you eyes. Then once the information Is fair conmment faux researchers to put forth a cogent scientific argument in the press. “In particular, we do encounter sonte cases of very short penile length, and then we need to decide whether they should be raised as 2 girl or a boy — whether thev need to have a sexual reversal,” said Cheng. Is this for real? Is one of the aims of this study to help Cheng, decide if and when to lop off a penis should it be smaller than she would like? And how does this quest relate to race? There have been a couple of devastating experiments in medical history in which doc- tors have removed a child’s penis because it had been damaged and fashioned in its place female genitalia. Pumped with female hor- mones and taught to play with Barbie, these children were viewed as texthcok successes. But whitding down what it means to be male to the pres- ence or absence of a male organ proved arrogant. The reassigned children were often doumed to a life of desperation brought on because a “hard-wired” gender identity had been tampered with. At heart, the physician- created girls were sull boys. “We do nor recommend d Re-0; health practifioners na penis SIZES ‘3 such imposed sex reassignment regardless of penile condi- tion,” wrote Milton Diamond PhD and Keith Sigmundson MD ina 1997 paper tor archives, Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine. So what is this physician blabbering about? In the wake of the rising controversy, Dr. Chanoinen stuck steadfastly to his cdaim thar by measuring their penises he was merely looking out for the health of the infants, so he threw into the medical voodoo his concern for the worst-case scenario, What if he niissed hypo- glycemia and seizures brought on by hormonal deficiencies? OK, let's follow the Chanoinen algorithm: When babv isn’t thriving what do you do? Why, you reach for the Penile-Race Chart, of course. “Ah, baby is Asian hmmm ... and its penis is stil] smaller than the mean average sug- gested in my chart, then ier me check for hypoglycemia.” Is that the deal? Why not just throw some bones on the table aad see what the spirits say? The National Past missed the whole isstic completely, insinuating that the good doc: tor Was the casualty of a politi- cal correctness, which disal- lows research involving racial characteristics. Making the case for the shoddy inquiry, the Past extrapolated the connection berween race and penis size to the fit of condoms and the prevention of AIDS. So naw we have moved from the violation of the dig- nity of babies in B.C., to the sige © A Vitamin Store with a Difference A clinic room allows customers fo seck information the store, privately from working in ihe Practitioners offer Acupressure. Aromia- therapy, Craniosacral Therapy and) Lymph drainage. AML these theraples are per- formed by well trained practitioners. This vilamin. store with a difterence offers the sane erent discounts on supple- ments and will} match any competitars prire md = ooffers = tocal delivery, Bul) the biggest difference at Visra Health and Nutrition is the attitude they have towards their customers. It's a piace that can offer answers to your health questions and politics of the World Health Organization. Without going inte prapic detail, P suspect condom manufacturers have pretty much gota grip on the size thing and do not need to take inte consideration B.C.'s demographics. Here's a more useful avenue of inquiry for our sci entific pioneers: What about testing the connection benveen small penises and 2 dictatorial personality? This, vou would agree, is a matter for the B.C. Human Rghts Conimission. While the comm would nor wish to extend spe- cial protection to the minimal- ly endowed, it would, nonetheless, be eager to know if there are any litde chauvin- ists being hot-housed in our backyards; the type of male who, fuelled by inferiority, is capable of human rights viola- tions. Why not preempr such a scenario and make it mandato- ry for an infant, singled out for his small penis, to sign up tor an education initiative to weed out any defiance caused by the frustrations of a diminished manhood. Something like the post Second World War denaz- ification programs. Now herein lies the true social value of Drs. Chanoinene and Cheng’s pro- posal. It is certainly no more a reductio ad absurd thar: measuring the penis size ofa child alongside his race. Another suggestion: send the nvo doctors back to their place of training and tain a couple of boat people to take their place. 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