EXTENDED network of family relationships in a blended or step- family can be confusing to those looking in from the ouside. By HILARY BLAIR Some kids end up with eight sets of grandparents, numerous step-siblings and half-siblings, as well as blood siblings - and possibly two homes. And with the divorce rate more than double the 1969 record high, when the new Divorce Act became law, blended familics are becom- ing much more common. It’s estimated that up to 80 per cent of divorced peo- ple remarry within three to five years and that in more than half the cases children are involved. How can the members of these newly constituted fam- ilies best cope with the com- ‘plications and problems that will inevitably arise? Arlene Gladstone, Execu- tive Director of the North Shore Family Services Socie- ty says, “The most impor- tant factor contributing to the success of a blended family is the strength of the bond of the newly married couple. If they take time to nourish their relationship, they are better able to face problems with a united front - and the children can’t ‘divide and conquer’ so casi- ly.”” A healthy parent relation- ship also provides a good example for the children when their’ turn comes for choosing a marriage partner. “Good communication is, therefore, paramount to success,’’ says Gladstone. “ Time and patience run a close second. It might take — 18 months to two years for a new family to shake down . into a workable unit, and for new bonds to form between step-parent and step-child. _ Wise step-parents will not try to substitute for the ab- sent natural parent, or force themselves. onto a new step- child too quickly, especially if the children are adoles- cents. Instead, they should build a relationship as a trusted friend. Says Gladstone: ‘Older children may have held responsible positions in the family unit and may feel challenged when a parent remarries. It’s important. that a step-parent be sen- sitive to this." One of the most difficult problems for children in ’ blended families which have come about because of a previous divorce, is divided loyalties. If their non-custodial sat- ural parent is spoken of bad- ly and if they are expected to follow suit, then they will feel tense and anxious and disloyal to the other parent. _“The worst situation of all is when parents who have not resolved their own dif- ficulties use the children as scapegoats or messengers,’’ says Gladstone. ‘“‘It is far better if they can agree to keep communications open, at least where the children are concerned, and speak of cach other with respect. We feel that children will be bet- ter adjusted if they are able to have a full relationship with both natural parents - and they will probably also have better relationship with their step-parents. Blended families are ins- tant families and each per- son comes with a history of - Wednesday, July 17, 1985 - North Shore News Blended families can learn to cope living in another family. So they can never be like first marriage families, where husband and wife have time to form a strong bond he- fore children come along. It's more like the merging of two corporations - there are different values, pro- cedures and attitudes that have to be adjusted and ne- gotiated, and each party in ‘Color Your World Interior Latex Choose from beautifully tough low lustre or semi- gloss finishes! 21 decorator shades. Scrubbable. mulated For Externe on And Stee! Si”? colours. E Li Pree oeon” 7 AFTER SALE WILL = BE SOLD tO ALE SALE ‘autrne 939.98 4 97 You Save 20%! : : Quality Latex Paint Fates Floor Paint Choose flat, semi-gloss, gloss or satin finishes! y q 7 : Check tags! Everyday Low Price 17.98-29, 58 SALE BRO sa 7. 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