The heart of the matter

“NOW LOOK here, Doug,” said my Australian friend at
the famous watering hole after I had told him I was about

blow-suck hard enough, the balls

to have coronary bypass surgery. *‘Here’s a straight-
from-the-shoulder, no-nonsense Aussie question for you.

“If you kick the bucket, do you
want a memorial service? And if
so, what is your favorite hymn?"’

After considcring this generous
offer for a second | said that the
memorial service was up to him.

“What about vour favorite
hyinn then?”' he asked.

“Onward Ethnic Soldiers,” !
replied, Whereupon he immediate-
ly got the joke and fell off his seat
laughing.

If my Aussie pal hadn't been so
busy pumping his lungs | would
have added that a special invita-
tion should be sent to my many
critics. They could then come
along and cheer.

The fans would also be in at-
tendance (I hope), a riot would
ensue, and Doug would go to
Valhalla in style.

Actually, the casualty rate for
open-heart surgery is quite small
— about 2%. Which is not bad
considering that you are out of it
for five, six or seven hours while
the doc fiddles around with your

44 The process gives
a chap a more than
passing respect for
the medical
profession. 99

pipes and the heart is stopped and
kick-started again.

The experience has its fun side
and its mysteries.

I have no recollections at all of
being put under the anesthetic,
and how they did it is a puzzle to
me.

One moment I was lined up
with all the other bodies, waiting
for action, and the next I was out
of it. A great way to qualify fora
memorial service — if you have to
have one, that is.

The next day the faithful Gre,
Eyes appeared on the scene. | had
been asleep, but woke up to see

AS
A ins

NNO!
Sacteean

ny.

ER

49: ‘PORK
iB. CHOPS

Doug
Collins

ON THE OTHER HAND

her sitting there.

““What are you doing here?” |
asked. ‘‘You should go away.”’

I must have been worried that
she might catch something. Or
that [ might. We hypochondriacs
can’t be too careful.

The next day I made things
worse by asking why she hadn't
been along sooner.

**] was here yesterday,’’ she
said. ‘‘Don’t you remember telling
me to go away?’’

Some things I liked, some 1
didn't.

The ones I didn’t are too in-
timate to mention here, like hav-
ing a nurse attach a tube to Pip
the Penis. But when you're having
your pipes fixed, modesty is the
last thing on the worry fist.

The nurses were great, wonder-
ful and terrific. Press a button
and they would be there in two
seconds. And they didn’t even ask
me if I was the famous racist.

One lovely creature told me to
squeeze her hand. The idea, {
think, was to test the patient’s
strength, not to help his libido.

**Oh!”" she said when J squeez-
ed.

“‘Let’s do it again, nurse.”

She laughed. And we did.

I spent a lot of time blowing in-
to a contraption that had three
colored balls in it. If you could

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would rise to the top. And ihe
audience would clap.

i got complimenis on that one
and felt very pleased with myself.
It was just like being a kid again.

Perhaps [ will buy myself one
of those things for Christmas.

They get you out of bed fast,
and in three days or so you are
tottering round the ward. Also
moving next door for therapy.

The first time, another chap
and I were connected to little ox-
ygen tanks that the nurse was
pushing along ihe Moor behind us,

We must have been doing all of
one mile a day. And [ hurt myself
with humor because being leashed
ike that reminded me of nothing
more than two poor oid dogs be-
ing taken to the vet.

Then there’s the clicking. Hav-
ing opened the sternum
(breastbone to you) from top to
bottom they put pins in to hold it
together again. They don’t want
anything popping out on your
chest, see.

The pins tend to click a bit. The
first time 1 heard them was at
home.

“My God,’’ says J to Grey
Eyes. ‘‘They*ve got me in training
to be the Tick-Tock Croc in Peter
Pan.”

They do over a thousand of
these operations 2 year at Van-
couver General (plus another
bunch at St. Paul’s), and the pro-
cess gives a chap a more than
passing respect for the medical
profession.

It also makes one wonder
whether some things aren’t a bit
skewed. I know the doctors aren’t
starving, but does it make much
sense when longshore foremen can
rake in $102,000 a year and doc-
tors dealing daily with !ife or
death can’t even get the time of
day out of Victoria?

Now I’ve *ald you my exciting
story. Meanwhile ONWARD
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