4 ~ Wednesday, April 29, 1992 - North Shore News Mentioning the unmentionable ob Hunter STRICTLY PERSONAL I HAVE written thousands of columns on a reasonably wide range of subjects, but 1 have never written a col- umn about my weenie. There’s a good reason for this. My columns have always appeared in family newspapers, i.e. publica- tions that find their way into the home, where children might be offended if the ‘‘F”’ word, for in- stance, were to be printed. Having had four kids of my own, I wonder about this. I always had to hit my kids over the head with a rolled-up tabloid be- fore t could get them to read any- thing, let alone something in a newspaper, unless it was the fun- nies. But who am I to look a gift” horse in the mouth? If family Papers don’t want dirty language, fair enough. And if you have to use naughty words to communi- cate a point, you're probably not much of a writer anyway. But if I were to write a column about my weenie, I'll bet the kids would read it. Kids scem to be very interested in weenies. Actually, in my expe- rience, adults are very interested in weenies, too. Adult males, ub- viously, more than any other gender, Women have a love-hate rela- tionship with weenies. Men just have a love-love relationship, at least with their own. The fact that we don’t write about weenies in family papers is a side-effect of the fact that we started off — all newspapers in Canada, !'m talking about —- as political flyers and advertising handouts. We try to talk the language of power and commerce, which is about having padded shoulders, ties, polished shoes, not talking dirty, and, above all, having your weenie covered up. Oh, and not writing about it! Why not? Look at all the unimportant things we write about: baseball, the Constitution, the demise of the Socreds. Why, Pl bet, even in medical columns, armpits and fingernails have been written about more than men’s weenies. And it’s not just the print media that maintains a hands-off attitude when it comes to the weenie issue. Television won't touch it with a 10-foot pole. Even vulgar radio is strangely sifent on the subject. Yet what is the very first thing a male covers up? What is the very last thing he uncovers (unless of course he’s a pervert)? You don’t have (o be a gestalt therapist to figure out that when you're talk- ing weenies, you're talking basic stuff. On the surface, it’s easy to say that two heads are better than one, and that’s why males run the world. Indeed, it would be a convinc- ing argument except that, unfor- tunately, it is mostly the little head, the one down below, that seems to do the thinking. Note the problems that so many aspiring American presidential candidates have had. The conven- tional expression is that ‘they couldn’t keep it in their pants.”* I say it was the little head doin’ the thinkin’ again. It has been noted by social workers that in large groups, males can become aggressive and WV Socreds to mest at Gleneagles club SOCIAL CREDIT House Leader Jack Weisgerber will be the keynote speaker at the West Van- couver-Garibaldi Social Credit constituency associa- tion’s annual general meeting tonight. The 7:30 p.m. meeting will be held at the Gleneagles Golf and Country Club and will include Social Credit party president Dave Mercier. Mercier is expected to update party members on the current status of the Social Credit Party in %.C. The election of officers for the constituency will take place and resolutions will be accepted to be placed before the party's fall con- vention. Tony Breen The experience will move you (See ad page 37) noisy, often even dangerous. This has quite a bit to do, I'm convinced, with their weenies not being happy. Being the cunning and vengeful entity that it is, society therefore threatens us with unhappy weenic status if we misbehave, i.e. prison. The truth of the matter is that weenies have pretty much fallen from grace in the modern world. It used to be, back in ancient Egypt, that if the Pharoah got an erection, the throngs would cheer. Right up until recently, even pea- sants got to wear codpieces. Today, men’s clothing is mainly designed to make us look neutered. Commentators often talk about how ridiculous so many modern women’s outfits are, but they overlook the absurdity of a three-piece suit that tries to make you look like you’ve only got four limbs instead of five. Phalluses carved in marble no longer grace our public places. Poor old Michael Jackson got heck for rubbing his genitals in a video, for God’s sake! Maybe he was just itchy. But | think the modern-day at- tempt to deny the existence of weenies is based on something much deeper, a fear, if you like. Maybe even a trace of panic. Scientists are beginning to un- derstand that this business of the litle head doin’ the thinkin’ is the real cause of the population ex- plosion. In many respects, the weenie is mindless. Oh, it knows what it member wants, all right. And it can fre- quently subvert the so-called thought processes that occur in the safety of the cranium — far removed from the actual pulsating gonads. Now, don’t get me wrong. I'm talking about weenies in general. My own is of course polite, respectful, and thinks only the highest thoughts. It cannot be prodded like a dumb brute by electric rods of ust. It can’t be activated by mere pornographic images. Its attention can’t be commanded by the flex- ing of fatty tissues. Hah! Not a chance! Would I lie about a thing like this? Trust me, sweetheart. Trust me... ALES ON PLAYTEX, NATURANA SMART & SVOSUE BRAS & BIKINIS _ ON SEVILLE TOWELS BATH 4.78 HAND 2.98}; TWIN BATH SHEET 8.88 WASH 1.78 TUB MAT 5.88 SHEET SETS 13.47 DOUBLE 20.97 QUEEN 24.72 CHILDREN’S SHORT SETS & SUN SUITS/DRESSES REG. 11.97 97 INFANTS - 2-3X WOODWYNN PACK || MEN'S REBOUND PANTY HOSE || CROSS TRAINERS # PRICES EFFECTIVE APRIL 29 - MAY 3 Selection will vary by store. y Visit the Woodwynrn Stare Yecrost You... nN Woodward's Downtown 684-4967. New Westminster 521-1153. Guildford 584-1018. Lansdowne 270-9683. 8 Coquitlam Centre 464-7539. Matrotown 433-6327. 1st & Renfrew 253-3437. Willowbrook Malt 533-5200. y ‘Haney Place Mali 467-0899. Park & Tilord Centre 983-2626. Port Alberni 723-1161. 4 ) Victoria Mayfair 325-1196. Courtenay 338-6533. Sevenoaks 853-5689. Penticton Cherry Lane 493-1900. Helowna Orchard Pirk 763-9200. Salmon Arm 832-5077. Nefson 352-6515. Trail 364-5644. 4 Chilliwack Southgsts Centre 792-5943. No REG. 25.97 rhilts Malt, Kamloops 554-2900. ani eto | 4 Ladner Tetcant Park Square 946- 8486. Hanaimo Woodgrove Centre 390-3301. White Rock 538-3884.