ROSS

RES SENN

42. ~ Wednesday, August 23, 1989 - North Shore News

Sex proves diff

cult

for young couple

Q. FOR SOME time my boyfriend and I have been trying
unsuccessfully to have sex. I am talking about intercourse.
Although I am not a virgin, he cannot penctrate.. This
troubles me as I Jove him and we plan to marry in a yeai or

so,

A. So, somebody before him
could penetrate and he can’t. The
reason may be that you would
rather be married this time, and
this makes you too tense 10 permit
penetration. That is a guess. It is
not a guess to tell you that you are
in a familiar situation, in which the
woman for some reason cantot
allow the man of her ckoice to
have intercourse with her even
though she wants to do so.

Many couples have overcome
this with the passage of time, often
with the advice of 2 physician. or
sex therapist. The condition I am
talking about is psychological, not
physical. It is called vaginismus
and there is a standard treatment
for it in sex therapy. But you
should first see 2 gynecologist
about it to get asswrance that there
is no physical cause for your in-
ability to relax.

If the condition persists, do con-
sult a sex therapist. Please believe
me — end it is important that your
lover should believe this too — this
involuntary tension of yours does
not, repeat, dees not, mean that
you don’t love the guy. This has
happened to many, many couples
who were mutually in fove, but
overcame it and had long, loving
lives together.

Q. My lover and I have had a
beautiful relationship and an ex-
citing sex life for two years, but I
don't kuew everything about sex,
not yet. Question: Should ¥ see a
doctor about an odoreus discharge

_ from my vagina after intercourse?
This can be embarrassing. Is this
nonnal, o7 is it fust m6?

A. Odorovs means malodorous,
or smelling not nice? Because I
don’t know if you are startled that
there is a discharge that has some
kind of odor, maybe neutral or to
some people nice, or if you are
telling me there is a bad smell.
Every woman loses some fluid
after intercourse, and if she thinks
she should be a Barbie doll this
may disturb her. But it is usual and
natural: (See how I avoid saying

ask
Dr. Ruth

Dr. Ruth Westheimer

**norma3,’’ because it is a
misundezstood word.)

The discharge has a light odor,
pleasant to many, unless there is
an infection commonly called
vaginitis. I don’t know if you have
ever discussed this with your lover.
Maybe you think it bothers him,
when he thinks it is a pleasant part
cf intimacy. If you have a regular
sex life you should see a
gynecologist about anything that
troubles you, and ask freely.
Maybe you have a little infection,
easily treated. Find out. Get

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treatment.

Q. You were way off base in
your answer fo the 77-year-old
man who had been raped in his
teens by two womens. Why should
he ask forgiveness of Ged? He was
the victim, not the criminal.

A. He was asking if he should
tell his wife cf many years about
this episede. I thought not. Bui he
did have guilt feelings, which are
not to be unloaded automatically
because I tell him he was the vic-
tim, not the evil doer.

This man had a strong urge to
get this memory out in confession.
A religious person entrusts mix-
ed-up. possibly mistaken, feelings
of guilt to God. I thought it would
be better to confess to God than to
his wife, since he wanted to con-
fess and it would probably do him
good to do so.

You know, confession of
troubled feelings is something dif-
ferent from pleading guilty to a
charge. Peopie write to me asking
for personal help with essentially
emotional cr psychological prob-
lems involving sex. I try to address
the personal problem, and not to
polticize it. This approach cannot
please every partisan viewpoint,
but I think it is the right one for a
sex educator and therapist.

Q. How is it that though I have
read your column over a long time
I never see anything about morali-

. ty ia it?

_ A. I get a lot of letters like
yours, also a Sot telling me that I
moralize too much. I guess you
just don’t see the morality that is
there, or people have different
ideas of what morality is.

|

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