70 - Wednesday, March 29, 1989 - North Shore News 28-year-old virgin wonders if there’s hope Q. AT 28, I have never had sex with a woman. I am straight — that is, all my fantasies are about women, but it worries me that 1 may never be able to have sex with one. I keep putting off involvements because of performance fears. I don't seem to fall hard for anyone either. How can I get past this barrier to mature companionship? Do many men have a problem like mine? Is there any hope that I can have a real sex life? A. Your worries are common with men in the modern world, as they were in the past, perhaps more so because nowadays we have so much emphasis on sexual performance and therefore more anxiety about it. Dr. Ruth Dr. Ruth Westheimer eee First of all, the fact that you have not had shared sex does not pose any threat to your future sex- ual happiness. What does threaten that happiness is worrying about it unduly. With a good partner you will be able to have good sex, even if you have never had it before. But if you insist on worrying ‘‘Can I ever have good sex? Will I ever be able to play the man’s part?’ then you sabotage your own future lov: It is pointless to tell somebody to stop worrying, but you can plant this truth in your mind and keep it there: that shared sex is mutual, and it takes two people, both understanding that each has a part to play in the success of lovemaking. You are not totally in charge of making sex work with some future sex partner ~ she has to understand sexual functioning somewhat and she .has to do her share of understanding and en- couraging and enjoying whatever happens between you. You have to mix more with women, casually, socially, not ex- pecting each new female acquain- tance to be the one you are looking for. That way, when you meet a good partner for you, you will not be too shy to make friends. When you do meet some nice woman, it may be exciting for her to know that she will be your very first in- timate companion. It is no fairy tale thas this is exciting to women. Keep it in mind. Q. I am 77, and after a life of good sex I have lost the ability to stay erect long enongh to penetrate for intercourse. Short of surgery, is there hope of regaining potency at my age? A. At 77 maybe some additional stimulation like direct caressing of the male organ may be required to prepare it for penetration. Some loss of the psychogenic erection — the one that comes all by itself when a man thinks of a movie star or of the girl next door doing a striptease, the erection that is trig- gered in the mind and sometimes causes panic when it fails to hap- pen — is almost certain to happen with advancing age. This does not mean no more erections, no more sexual pleasure, no more intimacy with a woman companion. It is less troubling to the happiness of the man to l!ose some familiar sexual ability than to lose the kind of woman companion who loves intimacy with him, even if this intimacy changes somewhat in certain details. The aging couple can continue happily to any age if their shared history is reassuring, if they know physical changes occur in men and women but that sex can still be shared and can still be mutually pleasing. And the older man who would like a woman companion should realize that there are sensi- ble and understanding women out there hoping he shows up. I don’t say that you have to give up on the idea of intercourse and rely on mutual pleasuring with your partner, but it is too bad if you let a lessened ability for inter- course spoil all the possibilities for shared pleasure. Not only does that keep you from enjoying the available kinds of pleasuring, but it probably will prevent any possi- ble return to intercourse as a form of sexual pleasure. If you let yourself enjoy sharing pleasure, in that relaxed enjoyment the ability to penetrate might return to you. You say you can’t have an orgasm because you can’t become erect. I don’t say give up on having erections, but you should be aware that a man can have an orgasm without becoming erect. Many men report that this aappens from time tu time, in youth as in matu- rity. So many people wrote in stout romantic wooing experiences that I bave to go on putting them into columns. A woman writes, ‘We walted 100 years for exch other — first marriage for each of us. I was 40, he was 50. We had both thought we were not meant for marriage nod we were adjusted to single life. Eleven years iater we are grateful to have each other and wish we had met sooner. In love » age is only a So it’s less about wooing than about waiting. But for that hap- piness, their 100 years was well spent waiting. While looking for the right person, as ! keep saying, what's the rush? Echo article corrected CONTRARY TO ani $§ article published in the Lynn Valley Echo on Sunday, March 19, Dave MacLean of Remax Realty does not have an opticn on fots at the southeast corner of Mountain Highway and 27th Street. The option is held by Lucas Anderson Construction. MacLean is the agent representing the prop- erty owners. LIFESTYLES GEEZ MUCH BETTER! Continues till March 31st Giuitermann THREAD BUY1 GET 1 FREE a All regular stock s 6=6= of equal or lesser value ¢ Bee BARGAINS. Broadcloth Now $599 m 65% polyester/35% cotton, 45"/115 cm $ 99 *Members 4 m Reg. 4.98 m Expo Jogging Fleece Now $599 in 60°/150 cm *Members $4.99 m Solids Reg. 7.98 m Designer Suiting Now $699 mn rayon & rayon blends, 60"/150 cm Reg. 14: 98 m _ Members $4.99 m . 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