INDEX Celebrations Business... Seniors... SUNDAY FOCUS ignoring the school bully doesn't work Kids need help with the problem Marcie Good News Reporter mgood@nsnews.com . SOMEONE is calling you names, rolling their eves -/° when you say something, making others laugh at you, and excluding you from parties. What are kids supposed to do? Grown-ups, almost by instinct, have long been telling them to just ignore it. In a presentation at Capilano elementary school, bullying, expert Paula Tenirick asks a group of Kindergarten children why adults say that. “Because,” suggested a girl in Kindergarten, “they really don’t know whar it feels like?” That answer, said Temrick, is what she often hears from kids. *.. The’ message of “just ignore” a bully is that adults don’t care. More and more, parents and educators are looking at ways to rove they do. Well-publicized cases like Reena Virk, who was bul- ied and harassed by her classmates for years before she was mur- _’ dered outside Victoria in November, 1997, have focussed atten- * tion on the roots of violence. ~ And while studies show that bullying as a child can become far -.more serious — a third of male children identified as bullies have a criminal record by the age of 30 — there is also a recognition that being singled out by a more powerful peer, is a long-lasting, ; painful experience: Recently, Temrick spoke to a group of parents at Capilano and then spent a day talking to their children. Temrick uses her back- o und.in theatre and her training in conflict resolution to lead -. workshops on bullying and harassment in the workplace. '- » She used to work as a sexual abuse and family violence coun- sellor.in Vancouver's Downtown Eastside. She tried to give chil- dren. standard strategies for. problem solving, but she quickly “found they didn’t work. “A large part of what children deat with in the playground has : nothing to. Jo with conflict,” she said. “It has to do with bully- ing.” ~The difference i is that a bully picks on someone else just because e 's fun. And one of the things she tries to show children is that the . entertainment industry exploits the fact that we find it funny. A skit; in which children gang up on a younger student and fo block her way to the library, demonstrates the point. ‘ ey boc book's going to be late,” said the smaller kid. shame,” said one of the bullies, bringing peals of laughter : from t the Grade 3s and 4s. “<: But to those who have reason to fear the changeroom, the hall- way, or the long walk home, it’s not funny. Bullying is universal. And those small needling things, sarcastic . remarks and put-downs — continue into adulthood. Temrick uses “the same strategies that she teaches to children to help adults deal with harassment in the workplace. —: When kids are faced with a threatening situation, their physio- -Jogical response is one of three: fight, flight, or freeze. None of those; s says Temrick, will help them deal with a bully. Neither will NEWS photo Cindy Goodman : PAULA Temrick works with Capilano elementary Grade 7 students who performed skits in bully-proofing ses: sions. Fromm teft, Richelle Simon, Nima Tohid, and Nikki Morel. Temrick, a consultant on harassment and bul: lying, gave > workshops at the school for parents and students. ignoring. Instead, kids must practise what to say and how to act, starting at a very young age. Her trademarked message, designed to defuse a situation rather than ignite it, is called PowerSpeak. “If we want our children to stand up and say no, we have to give them the skills,” she said to the parents. She described a situ- . ation in which a co-worker makes a snide remark at a meeting. “How many of us could sav, ‘Where is that comment coming from, I don’t get it” or “Hey Rick, let’s have jokes without the put downs.’ Just like that?” The key, she says, is to name the behaviour the bully is using to intimidate you: name-calling, rudeness, playing tricks, or threaten- ing. And tell them right out to stop it. Other advice she gave was: Mi Stay strong and silent. Tell the person with your eyes to stop it. i Tell the person what happens to you: “Tm don’t want to play with you when you are calling me names.” W@ Say what you want: “I'll help you when you stop pushing me.” M@ Leave. Bullying is often a pattern of behaviour and won't end easily. So children should be taught to give three chances, and then go and tell an adult. Temrick acknowledges that a child cannot solve the problem alone, and the key to dealing with the issue requires a large effort from parents and the school community. Documenting incidents, she said, is a crucial part. Even when there is no evidence of the behaviour, accumulated reports can show important patterns, Many schools have adopted guidelines for dealing with bully- ing. Heather Cehak, the principal at Capilano school, says Temrick’s workshops complemented initiatives staff have been working on. Those include an emphasis on reinforced rules of behaviour and consistent consequences. “We had decided as a school community that we should be ‘using the same resource so we're all learning the same language,” she said. “This was great (the workshops) because the parent com- munity was taking an interest as well, and that’s when you can real- ly make a difference.” A group of Grade 7 students had their share of bullying: a as; players in Temrick’s demonstration skits, they heard her message given to‘ each class all day long. They had a healthy skepticism about some of her advice: “If you said to a person, ‘Stop it, you're bullying,’ they would probably just laugh and say, ‘Yeah whatever, and laugh.” one of them said, to general agreement. Rather than battling back, said Tyler Robinson, it’s better to take the high road. : “When a bully says something, it goes back and forth and the winner is the one with the best comeback,” he explained. “But’ ° when it comes down to Mrs. Kowalski, and she says ‘What hap- pened?” and you say, ‘Well, [ called him an idiot,” then you're both. in trouble. But if vou say, q told her I didn’t like it,’ then it’s OK.” - “The point I liked,” said Richelle Simon, “ is that the bully is the one that has the problem, not you.” : But in their skits, in which they picked on a person or exclud- ed them froma sleepover, they all recognized themselves: Bullying, they agreed, is something we need to talk about. “There’s always people you don’t like,” said Holiy Ta slor: “And maybe you don’t say it in the nicest way, but when you ink ~ about it, it’s bullying.” Coming up in Sunday Focus. NEXT week in Sunday Focus Michael Becker © : looks at the new recreational trail system in the -. Lower Seymour Conservation Reserve. To suggest a feature story that deserves to be “in Focus” write to Martin Millerchip, North Shore News, 1139. can Lonsdale Ave., North Vancouver, V7M 2H4, fax 985- 2104 or - e-mail . 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