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44 - Wednesday, June 5

- 1985 - North Shore News

Skipping a stage in courtship

“ hy, Mr. Whiffle!’’ says the heroine with
a wide-eyed look. ‘‘I didn’t know you

cared.”’

She then lowers those eyes
demurely. ‘I'm afraid you
will have to give me time to
get used to the idea.”*

While Mr. Whi<fle suf-
fers, waiting for his unswer,
Modern Reader gets sick.
This is the kind of thine, she
declares, that makes old
novels unreadable.

How can anyone be so0
hypocritically coy? Of
course, the musty old
heroine knew Mr. Whiffle
cared. She has no intention
of not accepting him. She
just wants to indulge herself
in this dishonest charade to
make him miserable.

The modern hercine
stoops to no such thing.

immediately upon meeting
Mr. Whiffle’s grandson, the
gourmet lifestyle consultant,
she tells him frankly that
she, being fully independent
but lonely, finds him totally
acceptable and invites him to
share her life. In other
words, she loves him.

He need not suffer any
suspense. And he doesn’t.
He accepts her, provisional-
ly. And then he makes her
suffer.

These stories reach Miss
Manners in the form of eti-
quette complaints from the
would-be heroines. (Most
things do. Miss Manners
hears the most appalling
tales of human misery,

disguised as etiquette ques-
tions: ‘‘Was it correct for
my late husband’s mistress
to elbow me in the stomach
in order to throw herself into
his coffin?’’ ‘Is it a breach
of manners for my daugh-
ter-in-law to encourage her
children to address me as
Stinkpot?"’)

Why, modern heroines
want to know, are gentlemen
so rude as to refrain from
the attentions of courtship,
such as regular telephone

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calls and appointments, let
alone sending flowers, notes
or presents? And why do

they treat these relationships
as being of little consequence
and end them with no cere-
mony?

by Judith
Martin

the real

Etiquette aside,
question is why do single
gentlemen seem less commit-
ted when ladies are frank
about their enthusiasm? Or
shall we ask — to take the
unfashionable gender

distinction out of this —
why the openly and instantly
committed person, male or
female, is likely to be
slighted by the object of his
or her immediately dectared
attentions?

Miss Manners could
dismiss all this as a pro-
longation of the adolescent
concept of romance as a
sport, in which winning a
heart only inspires one to
look for a more challenging

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one. Indeed, that is her usual
diagnosis when she hears
people complain that the
lack of uncertainty in mar-
riage climinates the pleasure.
Grown-ups don't want to
spend their lives playing
guessing games, as a
substitute for enjoying love,

But skipping the stages of
courtship is another matter.
It leads, Miss Manners
believes, to skepticism about
the value of the love being
offered. And it actually cur-
tails the development of
teciprocal love and = the
courtesies it should inspire.

The Victorian heroine
kept a check on expressing
her feelings not only to tor-
ture her suitor, but to give
him, as well as herself, time
to let that first excitement of
romantic attraction develop
into serious longing. The
looking-forward period, as
any child knows who has
had to wait until a birthday
for something he wants, in-
stead of having all whims
satisfied on request, in-
creases the pleasure.

She was also guarding
against the humiliation of
offering herself to someone
who had not yet decided
whether he really wanted
her. That risk was consid-
ered a gentleman's burden in
those days, but there is no
escaping the fact that
whoever makes the first
overt declaration, as some-
one has to, runs the risk of
rejection.

The last touch, that simu-
lated surprise at the marriage
proposal, was to make clear
that she had no general in-
terest in giving away her
heart to a qualified can-
didate, but was only now
considering the possibility
because of the overwhelming
attractions of Mr. Whiffle in
particular.

utter and

neapple

cm

co
==. SD

In truth, the Victorian
heraine had a much greater
need to find someone than
the modern one. Marriage
was to be not just emotional
sustenance, but usually the
source of her livelihood.
And the funny thing is that
the modern heroine knows
this in her own career
behavior. Rather than
declare that she needs a job
desperately and will settle
immediately, without in-
vestigating the situation, she
hesitates, allowing the pro-
spective employer to woo her
and grow anxious to win
her. Only after she accepts
the job does she put herself
wholeheartedly at the
disposal of the company's
welfare.

She doesn't call these tac-
tics coyness or hyprocisy,

but shuply putting a high
value on herself. That is also
what her Victorian ancestor
called it.

Nth Ak

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