STRICTLY PERSONAL

THANK GOD, penis size,
has never been a problem
for me!

I feel sorry for guys for whom

‘itisa problem, but then I think,
if it wasn’t a problem for them, it
might be a problem for me.

This was, of course, the first
thought to cross ny mind when [
read about the doctor in Montreal
who figured out an operation to
enlarge the penis by 50%.

- When I, jokingly, of course,
said to my wife over breakfast,
“Hey, maybe { should get that
done,” her eyes bulged with ter-
tor, and she cried out: ‘‘No, no,
please! No bigger! It would ‘kill
me!”’

She’s a sweetheart. 1 wished she
hadn’t broken out laughing so
heartily afterwards, but anyway,

she had the right response down
for the record.

Yep. Yessiree, No probiemo,

Hell, what would you do with a
bigger thing anyway? You'd just
use up more energy carting it
around,

You might be in serious trouble
one day, and you go Lo run away,
but the extra weight you're carry-
ing slows you down, and you get
killed.

You might get invited to a clan
event, and with that extra 50%, !
mean, could you still wear a kilt?

For those of us with back
problems — who knows, maybe
already caused by that awful male
burden, as 1] sonictimes call it — it
could be a chiropractic disaster.

You gotta think about those
things.

Also, a tot can go wrong ina
hospital. 1 don’t even want to
start to think about the
possibilities,

Why, when I was in hospital
last year, on the last morning be-
fore { was released, a frantic
young nurse rushed into the room,
spotted the intravenous dolly, or
whatever it’s called, beside my
bed, didn’t notice that it was still
attached to a catheter, which was
still attached to me, grabbed the
dolly, and started charging out of
the room with it.

I'd just had a 26-stitch opera-
tion on my side, was ploughed
under on morphine, and still
managed to leap eight feet
through the air to grab that 1V
before the elastic tube began to
stretch out.

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f relate this anecdote by way of
gently reminding those readers
who may not be familiar with the
dowaside of having a penis that
it's not alla garden of roses.

Dolphins, for instance, have
retractable penises which fold
safely away inside their turnmies
when not in use.

I find this to be clear evidence
that man could not possibly have
been built in God's image, when
there was such an obviously supe-
rior model around to work from.

Normally, { try 40 keep this col-
umn squeaky clean, but the fact
is, penises have been in the news a
lot lately,

It wasn't just the doctor in
Montreal.

There was the report out of
Jolly Olde England that the one-
size-fits-all approach to condom
manufacturing was causing prob-
lems for British males who were
too big to fit in properly, and the
pesky little things kept popping
off. It’s a problem, it’s a prob-
lem...

And, of course, there was that
woman who cut off her husband's
penis after he'd raped her, she
said, although the jury didn’t
believe the stuff about the rape,
and decided she was being a bit
extreme in taking things into her
own hands like that.

4& She was being a bit extreme
taking things into her own hands
like that. 99

It was like the ending of the
Japanese cross-over movie, In The
Realm Of The Senses, which 1 was
forced to watch in film school,
and which caused me to scream
and not feel interested in sex for
days.

The coincidence of these devel-
opments arising at almost the
same time cries out for responsible
social commentary.

One of these news events was
positive and another was negative.

Well, depends on your view-
point, I guess, eh, sister? And the
last time | looked, the word
“condom” was not in the Cana-
dian Press style book. |

The fact that such stuff is being
reported at all is a story in itself.
Thirty years ago, I’m not sure any
of these stories would have seen
the light of print, except in court
transcripts and medical texts.

At the very least, polite lan-
guage would have been used.

Perhaps a tasteful reference to a
“husband’s mutilation,” or

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“promising genito-urinary
surgery.’’

Now, even in papers with a
better breed of pentiemen editors,
they just slap it in print. Even on
the wire services! There's the
word, no quotition marks: penis.

Decent kids might read it and
be turned into gibbering hor-
mone-crazed teenagers. I’ve seen
it happen over less.

All this might be healthy, of
course, There's that remote possi-
bility.

_T don’t mean that it'll ever be
healthy, or sporting, to mutilate
anybody. But the fact that such
previously ‘‘private’’ matters are
openly reported, openly read, and
even openly talked about probably
indicates, at the very Icast, that we
are all much more open. [s that a
safe bet?

in defence of the press, it has to
be said that we are at least doing

our job, exposing the facts. It’s a
lot harder than it looks. Oops...

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