DEALING wicth teens
these days is a real chal-
lenge.

My kids are pretty good,
still thee talk back ro me,
their language is brural, they
argue about everything, and
they just plain wear me
down. Phave to admit, lately
Pve been teeling a little inse-
cure about my parenting
skills.

Judging from the near tall
house of mostly mothers that
showed up at Centennial
Theatre last week to bear Dr.
Anthony Wolf talk about par-
enting teens in the “9Gs, Fam
not alone.

Dr. Wolf has weitten four
books on the subject of rais-
ing teens today, based on
both his professional (he has
his own counselling practice
in the States) and personal
experience raising his own
children.

He doesn’t use all that
confusing psychobabble |
never understand, he speaks
with simple language and
uses funny, anecdotal stories
to illustrate his points.

Dr. Wolf immediately put
his audience at case by
explaining that raising
teenagers in the "90s is not
like it was in the old dass,
because teens themselves are
not like we were.

We grew up with the ever-
present fear of physical pun-
ishment if we did not obey
our elders.

Even those of us who
were never spanked at home
knew that getting the strap at
school was a probable conse-
quence of bad behavior.
Because of the threat of phys-
ical punishment, in the old
days kids cither “toed the
line” or learned how to not
get caught.

But itis no longer accept-
able to punish a child harshly,
and today’s kids know this
from an early age. They are
not afraid, and they behave

home

ditterently as a result. They
are more insolent, pushicr,
and harder to handle. Most
people don’t understand this,
especially tolks in the older
generations,

The other pight, for
example, my parents were at
my house for dinner. While
the grown-ups were relasing
with a cup of coftee atier din-

As Dr. Wolf
says, “Sweet,
co-operative
daughters turn
often rather
suddenly, into
hysterical,
shrieking
monsters.”

ner, the phone «ang. |
answered it, but it was for
one of my boys. E called to
him. No answer. Called
again. And again. Finally, an
enormous deep voice bel-
lowed trom down the hall,
“Justa minure Mom, Pm on
the God-damned can!”

She didn’t sav much, but I
knew my mother was
appalled, not by the language
so mach as by the cone.

“TL would never have stood
for that kind of talk,” she said
to me, shaking her head.

Tkeep telling her how
hard it is now for parents, bur
she drags up all the terrible
things E did when [ was in
my teens and ! have to mind

“my tongue. (You just never

know when she might have
that of wooden spoo.:
stashed in her skirt.)

Dr, Wolf went on to
deseribe the nwo modes of
functioning that kids (and to
some emtent, adults: switch
between. “Phe first mode is
the “mature self" the mode
we use When we are our in
the world, working at our
jobs, being productive human
beings.

Kids are generally in their
mature-self mode wien they
leave the house to go to
school or out to piay, They
behave much better, more
responsibly, and in general
function ata higher level.

Hence, when vou hear
tom the parent of one of
vour kids” triends that your
kid is just delightful when he
is attheir house, don't feel
bad because he’s a jerk at
home. According to Dr.
Wolf, the most accurate mea-
sure of what vour child is
really like is haw he behaves
when he ts away trom home.

The moment kids walk
through the door of their
home they shift into the
“baby self” mode. (know of
certain husbands who fine:
dion in this mode at home
too.) The baby self needs to
be nurtured, tolerates no
stress, and in regard to the
Parent, wants all of you and
will nat let go.

When vour child (in the
baby-self mode) provokes
vou, he literally teeds on vour
FESponse, positive or negative,

When engaged ina battle
with a baby self, Dr. Wolf says

ou should say what vou have

to and then end it. Walk
away. Do ner tight with a
bay self. for vou cannot win.
(Writers nate: if vou
notice that your husband
constndy tunetions in baby-
self mode when he is with
you, I suggest a stern rebuke.
Failing that, there's always
the wooden spoon.)
Adolescence is a time of

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great change fora child, not
only physically, but abo ena
vonally.

With adolescence comes
the dawning, of sextality, and
a difference in how a child
thinks. You see, the teenager
looks fike and thinks he is an
adult, bur inside he is sala
child.

Because af this, most
teens experience a major
internal conflict: the
love /attach ment /dependeney
tcelings they feel tor their
parents are no longer accept
able to them.

Tn response, they develop
a kind of allergy to their par-
ents,

Bovs and virls react differ-
ently to these changes. Boys
typically withdraw, especially
trom their mothers.

They do almost anything,
to avoid a fight, even fic, and
they spend most of their ado-
lescence holed up in their
rooms or away from the
house.

Girls are different.
Because they are comfortable
talking about their techings,
they assert their indepen-
dence by arguing about
everything. As Dr. Wolf says,
“Sweet, cooperative daugh-
ters rarn, often rather sud-
denhy, into hysterical, shriek:
ing monsters.”

So, what can parents do to
xet through the teenage
years? Dr. Wolf offers a few,
simple suggestions: Tulk to
your teenagers, because they
do hear vou. Try to super-
vise, but understand that for

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Friday, March 6, 1998 - North Shore News — 7

ir. Wolf tackles the teenage years

alot of the time vou cannot
be there, and even when vou
are not there, vour words will
sull be in their heads. Be
honest akout your concerns
with them,

Try to maintaia simple
controls, and when rules are
broken contront your teens.
Do not abandon vour rules;
vou have a right to make
them,

Above all, know that your
teen will outgrow this phase.
When f got home from
hearing Dr. Wolf, EF found
tour big baby selves on the

chesterticld watching TV
tthree kids. one husband).

The two bovs fled to their
rooms, the girl accosted me
tor not giving her a phone
message, and the husband
whined about being neglect-
ed.

As tor me, FT picked up my
blankie and headed upstairs
te go night- night.

—— Recommended read-
ing: Get out of Mo Life, but
first could you drive ne and

“Cheryl to the mall? ov Ye.

Anthony E, Wolf, Ph.D
—Iumpers@be. svmpaticnca

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