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48 — Wednesday, November 30, 1988 - North Shore News

LIFESTYLES

Playing doctor is
a harmless fantasy

Q. I HAVE a fantasy in which I dress up as a doctor, my
partner puts on a nurse uniform, and we examine each

other. Do I need help?

A. You need someone to play
nurse, at least. Nothing vou
describe requires professional at-
tention. However, since you call
this harmless scenario a fantasy, I
think you have not thus far acted it
out with anyone, such as your
wife.

It is very common to feel silly
about bringing up something like

this with a wife. That is too bad;
there is too much silence and
solemnity between sex partners,
even lifelong ones. More giggiing
in the bedroom would be very
helpful in marriages where sex is
becoming routine.

I suppose you realize that ‘‘play-
ing doctor” is something children
do secretively to satisfy mutual cu-
riosity about each other’s bodies.
Do you have in mind exploring a
body that is unfamiliar to you?

If you suggest this to a new ac-
quaintance, it could be a turn-off
because it seezus so juvenile. And,
very realistically, another woman
might find it amusing. You take a
chance here of being turned down.

With many fantasies, it is best to
keep them as such and not try to
persuade a partner to participate.
Before you try to get a partner to
play out a fantasy you have to
have some idea what she would
find amusing and what she would
find nerdy.

But the playful sharing of ac-
ceptable scenarios can add a great
deal of fun to marriage and open
the way for very helpful com-
munication about sexual needs and
concerns.

Q. Ewes a vasectomy affect
either male sex drive or intensity of
orgasm?

A. If vasectomy affects the male

ask
Dr. Ruth

Ruth Westheimer

suject’s sex drive, performance or
intensity or enjoyment, it isn’t
supposed to. If there is such a
negative effect, it is most likely a
psychological aftermath of this
simple operation. There is usually
no such effect.

My own reason for cautioning
against vasectomy (or tube-tying of
women) purely as contraception is
that no one can be sure of what
life brings. Later in life a person
could regret being unable to have
children, no matter how sure one
feels about it now.

Q. I used (to stimulate myself to
orgasm but have given that up
completely. However, I was able to
reach orgasm that way, but I can't
through sex with my present lover,
nor with the one love I had before
this one. When my lover climaxes,
I can’t help crying with frustra-
tion. I tell him it is because I am
vey sensidive. I have to pretend to
enjcey the sex we share. Did I ruin
myself sexually through  self-

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pleasuring? Please don’t tell me to
go to a sex therapist because I
couldn’t.

A, No, you didn’t ruin yourself
through self-stimulation. And it is
too bad that you can’t go to a sex
therapist, because that would
probably be the simplest way out
of your dilemma. You don’t say
why you can’t go to one. Are you
possibly misinformed about what
goes on when you see a sex thera-
pist? If so, please understand that
it is all talk in that office; nothing
physical occurs.

Talking to the therapist is easy.
People who have said they were
too shy or ashamed tc talk about
sex with anyone have been amazed
to find out how easy it is, because
the therapist is easy to talk to, to
confide in and puts the talk on a
simple, sensible plane. So if
shyness or shame are holding you
back, I feel sure you would be all
right once you were in private con-
ference with a therapist.

You may need more information
about sex in general to be able to
consider therapy for yourself. At
present you seem tc be a little
behind the times in terms of sexual
knowledge. Self-stimulation is not
harmful. The majority of women
are unable to reach orgasm
through intercourse.

What is harmful is pretending to
a lover that yor are having
orgasms when you aren’t and feel-
ing guilty because of it and putting
a burden of shame on yourself
about masturbation. All this is
hurting you and your sex life, and
you are doing it because you
understand so little about human
sexuality.

It may mean something to you if
I say that many of my own sex
therapy clients belong to very strict
religions. Those religions do not
forbid seeking ways to improve
sexual functioning within mar-
riage, but they may have very strict
rules of sexuai behavior.

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