The issues on this page were pre- paved for the Canadian Health Nenwark by BC. Council for Fasmilies, I’M losing controt of my teen. What do [ do? From the moment our children are born, they srart marching towards the day when they will take complete control of their own lives. You see this when a young child spits out food they don’t like or squirms out of your arms so they can go where they want to go. Children need this normal drive for independence. It’s what helps them learn basic things, like how to feed themselves. However, during adoles- cence this march towards pee - HOW can we help our | children adjust to sepa- ration or divorce? Separation and divorce is is a marriage transition in the histo- Fy ofa family. Parents always “E, want to know if it will damage “their children emotionally. The honest answer is, it depends. We know for sure that kids |, are resilient. They can adjust to all kinds of changes in their liv- ing conditions. However, the ne thing that severely dam- ges them is ongoing conflict. Too often, separation and divorce: can make: the fight even more. than: before. Now, on top of everything else arenes .. independence goes into top speed. You may be uncom- fortable, even scared for your teen. As parents, we want every: thing wonderful for our kids. But we cannot live their lives for them. The more we try to control them, the more they resist being controlled. When this happens, parents often feel that their teens are being rebellious. If you are in this type of contlict with your teen, it often helps to step back and really look at the issue that is bothering you. Ask yourself: who will actually be ‘affected be this behaviour? For exam- ple, if your son dyes his hair green, who will it really harm? Parents also often express children cope with they used to fight about, par- ents might argue about things like custody, visitation sched- ules, support cheques, how late the kids stayed uP. and who is going to pay the dentist. This puts the kids right in. ‘the centre of the war. They may think their parents’ problems are their fault. This is an unbearable weight for them to carry. Ongoing conflict is destructive to them. . | Here are some ways you can make the transition casicr on your child: M@ resolve to put the children’s needs first; §@ separate your partner's role as a spouse from their role as a —— HEALTH great concern about their kids’ grades. Kids may end up thinking they are dog their homework to keep their par- ent happy. So when the teen wants to get back at the par- ent for something, they choose to do badly ar school. If you notice this happen- ing, it again helps to calmiy step back from the issue. Tell your teen that their grades will affect their future lifestyle, not yours. This puts the responsi- bility back where it belongs. Eet them make some of their own mistakes. Adolescence is the bridge beeween childhood and adult- hood. During this time teens are supposed to be taking control of their lives. After all, in a few parent. If vou can‘t get along when you're together, make it busi- nesslike: 8 be polite, and not emotional; @ sct meetings with specific agendas, agree on clear contracts port who does wha, when; 3 attend a course for separated and divorced parents. Go sepa- rately, if necessary. Remember that the children love and need both parents in their lives. Criticizing the other parent hurts the children, not the other parent. Encourage their relationship with the other parent. Be patient. It takes time for short vears we will expect them to make all their own decisions. During the reen vears our job is to give them lots of chances to practise making decisions. They will make mis- takes, we all do, but we usual- ly learn the most from our mistakes. We want to protect them from serious harm, but not from the results of their deci- sions. Those results give them the information they need to make even better decisions next time. If your teen is involved in things that clearly put them in danger: @ scck help from youth coun- sellors; Bi look for self-support groups divorce children to adjust to all the changes. They may need to cope with: @ new living arrangements; 98 losing the daily contact with their other parent; 1B moving to a new home; @ making new friends; B living with different people. Help your children under- stand that emotions they feel about what is happening are normal. Acting out aggression is not OK, bur the emotions behind it are real. Help them find healthy ways to express their feelings. They might want to try: running; dancing; draw- ing; ‘writing in a journal or talk- ing to a counsellor. Sunday, July 2, 2000 - North Shore News - 17 ing with teens who want independence R read the book recommend- ed below: How to Deal with Your Acting-up Teen. for parents of troubled teens; B contact. your local family service agency for a referral; Summer Printmaking Workshops for Kids. West Vancouver Museem & Archives Session 1 - July 10-14. 1:00 - 4:00 p.m. for children 6-10 yrs Session Z - July 17-Z1. 1:00 - 4:00 p.m. for children 10-16 yrs Session 3 - July 24-28. 1:00 - 4:00 p.m. for participants 16 + "ONLY *125.00 per session All materials included Registration: Please call 925.7270 West Vancouver Museum & Archives 680 17th Strect, West Vancouver, BC VZV 312 | P, 604.925.7295 -F. 604.925.5915 West Vancouver Museum & Archives is operated by the District of West Vancouver Parks & Recreation Department. Human Resources Development Canada; Student Sommer Works: | - British Columbia Arts Councii- Province of BC; the District of West |- Vancouver Community Arts Assistance: Canada Council. of. Archives - Control of Holdings: Community Archives Assistance Program - Province of 8C; the West Vancouver Historical Society: and Museum & Archives volunteers and visitors are gratefully morinc ae Organic and Natural Food Store Effective Dates. 3 July 3- Sally 9, 2000 . STORE HOURS — - MON TO FRI- 8AM TO 9PM Fax: 987 -6155 ; " SAT & SUN 8AM TO 7PM TEL? 967-6644