Friday, April 3, 1992 — North Shore News - 7

() ways to leave your lover

YOU’ VE BEEN lying awake nights trying to think of 2.
way to end it. You don’t want ary hurt feelings, but you
need <o be free to meet someone who is really right for

you.

Ideally, of course, you should
remove a shoe by untying the
laces.

Unfortunately, these particular
laces can only be untied by saying
the following right to your lover’s
face: ‘‘I no longer love you, and I
want this relationship to end."’ If
you can do that, don’t bother to
read on.

This is a guide for those less in-
trepid souls who prefer a more
imaginative (if roundabout) ap-
proach to the delicate task of
dissolving a partnership. And for
these people, there are some 50
good ways to eave your lover
without being direct about it.

Here they are, including an ar-
ray of helpful hints (HW), the
(unofficial) 50 Ways to Leave
Your Lover.

FOR HER:

i. While he’s watching the
Stanley Cup game, slowly remove
the television from the house and
place it on a bus headed for
Chicago.

2. Masquerade as your own
twin and tell him straight out that
you don’t think he’s right for
your sister.

3. Arrange the letters in his
alphabet soup to spell ‘‘good-

Build a transporter and
beam him to another planet.

HH: Disassemble it im-
mediately afterwards.

§, Convince him you’re
cheating on him.

HH: For a few dollars a
week, a helpful grocery boy can
be enlisted to blow kisses at you.

6. Become a biologist and take
tissue samples from him every day
until he disappears.

7. Send him a standing invita-
tion from Santa Claus to visit the
North Pole.

8. Find out what he’s allergic
to and bring home a dozen of
them.

9. Emigrate to Bolivia.

HH: Learn Spanish first.
10. Make him pay you a dollar
every time he uses the remote con-
tro} to change channels during
commercials. Soon he'll be broke
and will have to leave.
11. Tell him under hypnosis that
he must do whatever you say,
then snap your fingers and suggest
that he move out.
12. Knock him unconscious,
stuff him into a steamer trunk,
and ship it to Zambia.
13. Try voodoo. Make a doll
that looks like him and put it on
an airplane to Buenos Aires.

By Tina Gilbertson
Contributing Writer

14. Surprise him with a T-shirt

that says ‘‘My girlfriend broke up
with me and all I got was this
lousy T-shirt.””

15. Enrol him in a five-year
program of study at a foreign
university.

16. Have his lucky golf clubs ac-
cidentally shipped to Cairo.

17. Pay a friend to flirt with him
outrageously in a public place,
then throw him out in a jealous
rage.

18. Take him heli-skiing and
forget to bring his skis.

HH: Bring lots of money to
bribe the pilot to look the other
way.

19. Suggest taking separate vaca-
tions next year and tefl him you’re
going to spend the next 12 months
“practising.”*

20. Feed him chocolate until he
weighs 300 Its., then tell him you
no longer find him attractive.

21. Stage your own death by
leaving a pile of clothes on the
beach.

HH: Kill two birds with one
stone by including the hideous
sweater his mother gave you for
Christmas.

22. Vacuum the living room
while he’s watching the Super-
bow!.

23. Give him an ultimatum and
threaten to leave if he doesn’t
comply.

HH: Make it nearly im-
possible for him; anything regard-
ing rolling up his socks or putting
them in the hamper should work,
as will asking him to take you out
more if he’s an agoraphobiac.

24. Turn into a giant cockroach.
25. Take him to a sporting
goods store. Slip away, race
home, pack all your belongings
and remove your furniture, find a
new apariment, change jobs and
begin all over again before he
Notices you're gone.

FOR HIM:

26. Hf you have a joint bank ac-
count, lend large sums of money
to winos and pretty young
women.

27. Replace her exercycle with a
real bicycle and leave the front
door open.

28. Explain to her that you have
a very rare disease that can only
be cured by becoming a monk.
29. Use her guitar as a fly swat-
ter.

30. Take her water-skiing and

ND? took a rational
approach to abortion

Dear Editor:

So Trevor Lautens considers it
“contemptibie’’ the the NDP gov-
ernment has “found it in its heart
and in its (public) wallet to spend
more for one thing. Abortions.’’

Of course, Lautens would
almost certainly disagree with
anything the NDP government
decides to do, but presumably he
would agree with the principle
that all governments should be
concerned with a rational ap-
proach to overall expenditure.

And it seems to be safe to con-
tend that the cost of abortions will
be far less than the cost of welfare
and social services involved in br-

————

inging up a large percentage of the
unwanted unaborted children who
certainly would be born if he had
his wish, despite the contrar
wishes of their reluctant, resentful
mothers.

Of course, he may be one of the
very few vociferous anti-abor-
tionists who would take real and
continuing personal and fiaancial
responsibility for the often sad
and sometimes tragic outcome of
abortions denied.

Perhaps he will give us this
assurance in scme future article.

J.F. Laurence
North Van-ouver

grease the handle.

HH: If there is someone else
in the boat, make sure you have a
radio blaring.

31. Encourage her to diet until
you can fold her up, stick her in
an envelope and mail her to In-
donesia.

32. Let her know you’re going
ona ‘‘Walkathon for Celibacy.”
33. Buy her a bouk on how to
meet men.

HH: For a double-whammy,
hide the book among your belong-
ings.

34, While vacationing in the
Middle East, tie her to a camel
and make a run for it.

35. Take her to an all-night
costume party dressed as a gar-
bage can and tell her to meet you
outside on the curb at dawn.

HH: Make sure the next day
is collection day.

36. Tell her you need enough
time alone to work on your pro-
ject: a book entitled The World
Since 2000 BC.

| Oscar hig

Best

(Realy dunto tax category)

37. Leave dirty socks on the
floor next to the hamper.

HH: Since consistency is the
key, remember to do this every
day.

38. (For petite women) Bring
home a frisky St. Bernard and ask
her to take it for a walk.

HH: When she phones from
Alberta, pretend she has the
wrong number.

39. Send her a black carnation
os your anniversary.

40. Take her para-sailing over
the Bermuda Triangle.

41. Let her know exactly what
you think of her mother.

42. Geta hobby.

HH: Find out what she
loathes, then spend 12 hours a day
doing it.

43. While she’s out shopping,
put all her belongings on the front
lawn to “‘air out.”

44. While bobbing for apples at
a party, swim to the bottom of
the bucket and hold your breath
until everyone goes home. She’ll

fornance.

iam

_

soon tire of waiting and find
someone else.

45. Let her think you’re
cheating.

HH: Ask a friend to tel) her
you never showed up at the Friday
night poker game. Be sure not to
express remorse.

46. Tape a paper bag over her
initials carved in the tree in your
front yard.
47. Become very good at soccer
and join the Brazilian team.
48. Buy her a parrot and teach it
to say ‘‘Polly wanna break up!”’
49. Make a pass at her sister.
50. For her birthday, give her a
set of luggage and a road map.
Now that you’ve read through
all these crazy, desperate
measures, you may find it easier
ic simply untie the laces with a
few weii-chosen words and brave
the tears and recriminations.
Either that, or you'll have
started coming up with a few
clever schemes of your own. Good
luck!

by a budget |

all of the [iffle peofe f
and small businessmen Tm:

siting on

Proposed law ‘sheer’ madness

law, Bill C-169, which stifled citi-
zens’ freedom of speech. Later,

Dear Editor:

Powerful Ottawa bureaucrats
are threatening our freedom of
speech and association during
elections — the most critical time
of the democratic process.

The Royal Commission on
Electoral Reform recently urged
the government to jail citizens for
up to two years if they spend
more than $1,000 to support or
oppose a political party, candidate
or a policy of theirs during a fed-
eral election.

The proposed laws also prohibit
citizens from freely associating
with others to spend more than
$1,000 to express a political view-
point.

This is sheer madness!

The bureaucrats on this com-

mission, who obviously have no
understanding or love for
freedom, want to create a closed
shop for professional politicians.

Citizens who independently
want to exercise their freedoms of
speech or association during fed-
eral elections are being told:
“Shut up and get out of the way
or we may imprison you.”

It is shameful that a Royal
Commission could make this rec-
ommendation in Canada — a
country which claims to value
freedom and democracy.

We urge any of your readers
who cherish our freedom of
speech and association to tell their
MPs to oppose these dangerous
recommendations.

In 1983, ali three political par-
ties unanimously passed a similar

then- Opposition Leader Brian
Mulroney apologized for his par-
ty’s support of the bill, saying
“‘we were asleep at the switch.””

Has Mr. Mulroney, now Prime
Minister, woken up?

In_ 1984 The National Citizens’
Coaiition successfully challenged
this law in the courts and had it
overturned as unconstitutional.

We shall mount a= similar
challenge if Prime Minister
Mulzoney’s government tries to
violate our fundamental freedoms
by implementing these recommen-
dations of the commission.

David Somerville
President
The Nationa! Citizens’ Coalition