BEING AWAY Doug Collins gel this straight ® on holiday can be a bit of a nuisance. Things happen that cause the fingers to itch for the word processor. For there is usually Nore nonsense tn the news than sense, and consequently there are more laughs. Joe Clark is a big laugh and os my nomination for Clown of the Year. Is he real, and does Ottawa actually send him) around the world doing his fake falls and pratfalls for the benefit of a grinn- ing international audience? Or is it all a dream? No sooner had | submesged in the rays of the sun than I found myself tee-heeing over Joe's South African safari, our man having asked “independent black nations’? whether they had any objections to his visiting South Africa. Wimpland at work! Im- agine asking the chief of the Bongo-Bongos whether it would be OK to spend six hours in Pretoria! Then, when Pik Botha said that Joe wouldn't be welcome if it was his intention to run a circus, Joe couldn’t take a hint and went anyway. Not only that, but our peripatetic comic said he was not Ringling Brothers, and went on hopping about with his foot in his mouth — to the delight of the world’s piccaninnies. After meeting with the communist-run African National! Congress in Lusaka, Zambia, for instance, he gave birth to this howler: “T have not encountered, in my various conversations with the leadership of the ANC, advocates or devotees of violence. | believe it thar would peaceful ts oan prefer te solutions.” What elke, Joe? Hither, Stalin, Mao Tsetung, Castro Pol Por, General franco and every other dictator would also have preferred to seek peaceful solutions, All tyrants love peace provided they can write the terms. I sometimes despair of Joe. Hasn't he ever heard of Joe Slovo, secretary-general of the banned South African) Com- munist’ Party, an honorary col- onel in the KGB, and the white brain behind the ANC's terror tactics? How about popular Winnie Mandela, wife of jailed, grenade- Joving Nelson Mandela, who could be free in a jiffy if he re- nounced violence? Last year, peace-loving Winnie said that with their matches and their “necklaces’’, the children of the revolution would ‘‘liberate”’ South Africa, meaning that blacks who didn’t bow to ANC terrorism would be burned to death. Slowly. As nearly 1,000 have been. The same winsome wench told TASS, the Russian news agency: “l have waited for long years to send my militant salute to che land of the Soviets and to thank it for its fraternal solidarity.’’ Joe should also scan the pages of Sechaba, the official ANC orpaniZaion seek publication. shied thes stated editornalhs ‘Phe (futures Peaple’s Assembly Gol South Adricar can only be the guteome Of a imass in Surrection, a conquering political and muilitacy force af the armed masses ded bs the African Na- tonal Congress.” Except for dopes like Jog, the facts oa ANC sielence are aot in dispute. ANC training camps have been identified in Algeria, Angola, Tanzania and the Ukraine. ‘Transeripts of ANC broadcasts advocating terrorism ure available. But Canada’s Sim- pie Simon doesn’t want to know. Instead, he makes it appear as if the ANC is the Girl Guide move- ment of the future, What a clot. What a doodle. No wonder a South African newspaper told him to get lost. it didn't know he was already lost. Before he arrived in Pretoria, for example, a bunch of Canadian Indians had stolen the headlines there, together with people like Eileen Pressler of Salmon Arm, who went (o South Africa to let it be known that not all Canadians are as casily sucked in as Joe is. She it was who gave the assembled international scribblers the biggest laugh of all when she provided proof of Tory MP Don Blenkarn’s plan to create a Cana- dian ‘‘pincer movement’’ against South Africa, That hit the headlines, all right. But don't forget you read it here first. (See my column of August 5.) Call me Scoop. Fire hazard closes local parks PARKS AND wooded areas located in the District of North Vancouver will be partially closed to the general public effective midnight tonight. North Vancouver District Fire Department fire chief Archie Steacy said the closure comes on the heels of the current dry spell and unusually high fire hazard readings below the 1,000-foot elevation over the last five days. Use of wooded areas, including Capilano, Princess, Lyan Canyon and Bridgman Parks, hydro power line areas and other gicen belt areas, is restricted. Mountain Highway is closed at the lower gate, south of the water tanks, to restrict entry of unauthorized persons. Woodlands, Indian River Road, will be restricted to local traffic only. People using wooded areas are being asked to keep to the trails. No smoking, fire or matches are permitted. The Baden Powell trail, travel- ling through GYRD forestry and provincial parks, may be subject to more restrictive posting. Woodlands, Brighton Beach and Sunshine Wharf will be posted with No Fire signs. All campfires are prohibited and all burning permits have been cancelled. Entry to restricted areas, where posted, will be by special permit authorized by the fire chief. Steacy said the partial closure will be until further notice. If the dry spell continues, he said a full closure of the area could be necessary. in effect GOODBYE SALE everything is up to 15% oFF FURTHER REDUCTIONS Knitting Supplies, Weaving Supplies Dyes, Books, and much more SALE IN PROGRESS Fixtures are also for Sale co FIBRE FACTORY 922-2211 1745 Marine Drive West Vancouver “HORSE AROUND IN PARADISE : Sept S Special Pack Trips 2 Days: all meals included " % Day Ride with Gourmet Pack Lunch $160.00 f $39.00 § Trustworthy Horses » Wilderness Adventure «i & 2 hr. Rides. Only One Hour North on Hwy 99 CHEEKYE STABLES Squamish, B.C. 898-3432 1420 FELL AVE. NORTH VANCOUVER deka. 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