rad

74 -— Wednesday, October 16, 1991- North Shore News

LIFESTYLES

Q. 1 AM a person with low self-esteem and nc willpower.
Dr. Ruth

a
Westheimer

Whenever a2 guy shows interest
in me, I can’t refuse the attention.
¥ start seeing him and we have
sex, even if ’'m not that interested
in having sex with him.

Most of the time the sex isn’t
that good. But I never break up
with a guy. I wait for him to
dump me,

My girlfriend says one of these
guys could make me very happy
sexually if I would only speak up
and make my needs known. Could
she be right?

Also, is it possible for me to get
into sex with a man if I'm not
that interested in going to bed
with him in the first place?

A. If you are not sexually at-
tracted to a man, don’t go to bed
with him! You have to fearn to
say no. It sounds like you don’t
believe you have the right to.

I suggest a counsellor who can
help you gain a sense of self-
esteern. Your girlfriend is right
when she says you should speak
up for yourself sexually, but first
you have to be in a relationship
you have chosen to be in.

When a woman has sex today,
she has to consider the risks of
contracting a sexually-transmitted
disease. I hope these men have
been using condoms. Promise me
you won't have sex with another
man just because he asks, That’s
not a good reason.

ASK DR. RUTH

Q. Sometimes I wake in the
middle of the night to find my
husband on top of me trying to
have sex with me. When I wake
up and push him off, he goes
back to sleep.

I don’t understand what is bap-
pening with him. This often hap-
pens after he has rejected me sex-
ually before falling asleep.

We don’t have sex that often,
maybe once a month or so. Is that
enough for a couple in their early
30s? And why, when he obviously
wants to have sex, will he turn me
down? .

Even the ordinary
becomes extraordinary

From page 13

case, a man whose tombstone is
either non-existent or has been
swallowed: up by grassy earth,
safety measures were seemingly
not followed up on.

He lost his life at age 48 in 1912
in what a descriptive news article
termed “a blasting accident of
appalling character.” _

He had set down a box of

. stumping powder with caps near a

blaze, and the resultant explosion
cast him into the flames. :

The coroner recommierided to
both North Vancouver councils
that there be proper licensing for
persons handling .explosives, -but.
the memos were “*recorded and
filed.’” .

A 1909 ad from Paine and
McMillan hardware pictures a box
of B.C. Stumping Powder, ‘used
extensively at the turn of the cen-
tury for razing the forest for de-
velopment. One wonders if the in-
terests of development were being
favored over safety.

Some of the stories about the
younger inhabitants are heart-
breaking. Stuart points out the
- resting place of William Cartlidge,
age eight, 1906-1914,. who was

caught underneath the wheels of
his father’s wagon as he ran to
welcome him home.

News articles, written in a florid
style, often went into detail about
a family’s bereavement, a striking
difference to today’s mostly fac-
tual obituaries.

One article described the demise
of “little Eveiyn Elliott...the light
of their home’’ relating that as she
died ‘ta pretty little smile flickered
around her fips.’ Stuart notes
that women’s obituaries often ex-
tolled the careers of their hus-
bands while neglecting to mention
the woman’s character or con-
tributions.

Some may call this a morbid
fascination, but Stuart contends
that “You're not talking about
death, you’re talking about life.
You look (at the tombstones) and
say ‘Who are these people and
what did they do?’ ”’

And somehow, even the ordi-
nary become extraordinary
through the tunnel of time.

If you have information on ear-
ly inhabitants of the North Van-
couver Cemetery or if you are
seeking information or would like
to participate in a heritage walk
call 987-5618.

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I've tried to get him to talk
about this, but he won't. He says
he doesn’t remember ever trying
to have sex with me in the middle
of the night. He accuses me of ly-
ing! What can I do?

A. I suppose you could have a
video camera set to record each
night, but I don’t think the prob-

“lem is getting him to beiieve you.

He probably does believe you, but
he says he doesn’t to protect
himself.

Perhaps he is too tired to have
sex at bedtime. After he has slept
a few hours, his sexual need
wakes him.

Why don’t you try waking him
up in the morning by stimulating
him sexually? Or you could set
aside time for lovemaking on the
weekend in the morning or after-
noon.

Maybe he doesn’t want to talk
about this because he feels embar-
rassed that he can’t make love
when you want to. If these sug-
gestions don’t help, however, I
suggest you talk to a therapist.

Q. We have been regular
readers of your column for years
and have found your down-to-
earth appreach helpful and enter-
taining. My wife and I have a
great sex life, even after nine years
of marriage. Our best friends call
us the ‘lust puppies.’’

We are wondering if acting cut
our fantasies is a good idea. We
have talked about them to each
other, but never tried to make
them real.

*P’ve heard that people shouldn't

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really try to act out fantasies.
Why is that? Was it a mistake for
us to talk about them? We
wouldn’t want to do anything to
mess up the great sex life we have
now. .

A. I don’t think talking about
your fantasies could mess up such
a great sex life even if it was a
bad idea! But I don’t think it is.
Talking about fantasies can be
very exciting. Acting them out
may not ve such a good idea.

Some fantasies are not meant to
be acted out. If you fantasize
scenes of domination and submis-
sion or making love in public
places, you probably shouldn't try
to do them in real life.

Even the fantasies that can be
made real may lose their power to
excite you once you’ve done this.
The power of fantasies resides in
ihe mind.

I am not saying you shouldn’t
try making love on the beach if
this is your fantasy! Use your
common sense. Bravo to both of
you for having such a wonderful
married sex tife you inspire your
friends to call you ‘‘lust puppies.’’
Q. I'M IN a relationship with a
woman who insists on deciding
when, where and bow we will
have sex every time.

She is a fantastic, wild and un-
inhibited lover — bat only when
she decides it’s time to be. Fer
example, she won't have sex
unless she is weli rested, has eaten
theee proper meals that day and
has nothing heavy on her mind.

We live within minutes of each —

‘Woman must learn when to say no

other. If she’s in the mood for
sex, she'll call and Vil rush right
over. Just minutes ago I called der
to ask if I could come over and.
make mad passionate love to her.
She said, ‘‘Ne. I have to get my
sleep because F need to: be all
bright-eyed and bushy-tailed to
take the car to the carwash in the:

morning.” What can I do about -: ;

this situation? aoe

‘A. Vm sure there are many
women out there who would put
you before the carwash. :

They would be more than hap-
py to let the car go dirty so they
could have good sex with a man
who is such an eager lover.

If you are determined to make
this work with her, however, I
suggest you not be so available
when she is ‘‘in the mood.” _

Q. Pm dating a woman who
has already let me know she’s put
our relationship on a timetable... -

We've cnly been seeing each
other for three months. Site says
that is the point for discussing -
whether we think we might talk
about a commitment someday.. :

I am uncomfortable with this
regimentation of our relationship.
Y care about her, but I don’t know .
if I want to commit.

A. I can’t say how long- it
should take anyone to decide to-
want to commit or not, but three
months doesn’t sound like a lot of.
time to me. .

If she is that impatient, she.
should be kind enough to let you
go so another woman, with more
‘patience, can have youl.

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