40 - Sunday, January 11, 1987 - North Shore News erties athy helps more than advice “I HAD exchanged a few words with a young woman be- fore we got on the plane,” said a gentleman of Miss Man- ners’ acquaintance. ‘‘She came tearing up to ask whether it had left, and after I reassured her, we chatted for a minute about whether it would be a rough flight because of the weather. Then I found that | was sitting across the aisle from her.”’ Please note that this is not be a romance story, it is an etiquette story. Miss Manners hopes no one will be disappointed. “I was reading my book. You know I don’t generally like to get into conversations with strangers. But when | looked up, [ saw she had burst into tears. What should | have done?"’ What the gentleman did do, it uppears, was to reopen the previous conversation in the same impersonal tone: ‘See? The flight isn't going to be rough, after all.** personal life, not advised her to plunge herself into work and forget it. He just soothed her. Miss Manners gave him her full approval, against, as she well knows, the collective social wisdom of our day, that would have recommended forcing the sufferer :o talk out (they always add ‘tout’? -—— bui where does it go?) her problem with the first available listener, who would then offer a commentary. Miss Manners has a radical no- tion to the contrary. Confession miss manners by Judith Martin He said nothing of her outburst, which he appeared not to notice. Under the constraints of conven- tion, the young lady calmed down. At the end of the flight, she took his arm and squeezed it warmly before disappearing. That is the end of the anecdote (which Miss Manners admits is of paltry emo- tional content). When Miss Manners inquired whether he had asked, ‘‘What’s . the matter?’’ the gentleman replied: ‘*Of course not. I hardly thought it was my business. 1 sup- pose she had just quarreled with her boyfriend — something of that sort. | was only trying to soothe her.”’ And he does seem to have soothed her. Not solved her pro- blem, not told her the boyfriend was a cad and she was better off without him, not given her the name of his handsome nephew, not admonished her that she must learn to be more assertive in her WHERE FASHION TAKES SHAD May, in some cases and under the right circumstances, be relieving. But stating a problem can some- times also serve to solidify what might otherwise have been a pass- ing trouble or one on which the unhappy person might have work- ed to a fairer solution without hav- ing been supported by an ad- vocate. : But today’s issue is what to do on the receiving end. Emotional bombs seem to be going off all over the place, and one can find oneself being anything from an ac- cidental witness, as was the gentleman in the airplane, to a particular individual’s chief source of consolation for life’s various ills. For a stranger, acquaintance, or even a friend of less than fully in- timate standing, it is particularly risky to encourage someone to overcome the natural restrictions of dignity and privacy without the certainty of empathy. Had the ‘Midnight. One of the many new creations from Denby. Timeless heauty designed for today. Denby Fine Stoneware OVEN, MICROWAVE, FREE HANDCRAFTED IN ENGLAND CANYON HOUSE GALLERIA 1 3590 CAPILANO ROAD, NORTH VAN. ER AND DISHWASHER SAFE 988-5169 young lady poured forth her presumed troubles, she might not only have come away feeling like a fool ~- she might have found that the gentleman, upon hearing the story, sided with the other party. But even confidants should understand that dealing head-on with the issue is not necessarily comforting. A young lady of Miss Manners’ acquaintance once ex- plained why she particularly values having male friends, by claiming: “When you tell a girl your trou- bles, she gives you advice. When you tell a boy, he just give you sympathy, which is really all you want.”” Without arguing that gender analysis, Miss Manners wishes 10 support the idea that emotional support is sometimes best supplied by exercising restraint. DEAR MISS MANNERS — I prefer capes to coats as outer gar- ments. It’s possible to fit more layers underneath, if necessary. What is the proper way for a gentleman to help a Jady on with one, always supposing that he should offer? Hf, by chance, I am wearing my hair down, may he hold it out of the way? If he holds the cape like a coat, may I request that he drape it around my shoulders? I carry a muff to keep my hands warin. On very cold evenings, may I wear gloves with it? May I keep it with me at the operas, rather than checking it with my cape and scarf? 1 realize that af one time, I would have been brought up knowing about such delicate mat- ters, but now these items are out of fashion and are more often used for dramatic effect. GENTLE READER — A lady holds up her own hair. There is such a thing as giving a gentleman much too exciting a reward for the simple privilege of helping a lady on with her wrap. The gentleman has only to drape the cape over the lady’s shoulders. Of course, he has to be able to figure out which end of it is up, not so easy a matter when he has been using the direction of sleeves for guidance on coats. A small muff (as opposed to one that looks as if the lady has her pet satin inside is for the lady's han- dkerchief) and may be kept during the evening. dog on her lap} is a sort of com- bination evening bag and hand warmer (that tiny bit of zippered January 7th - 31st AT SUE HILLS FITNESS CENTRE Park Royal Mall (South) * FREE WELLNESS IN YOUR LIFE LECTURE: THE NEXT STEP. Combining indoor fitness with outdoor exhileration. Chris Harris. Wednesday January 14th 8:00pm Sue Hills Fitness Centre. Limited Seating. Call Now to reserve your seats 926-7706 “FREE Introductory Fitness Classes Tues. Jan. 13th. 10:05am-11:05am (free babysitting) Sun. Jan. 18th, 10:15am-11:15am Try a fitness class at Sue Hills. Bring a fnend. Experience the difference. *FREE Health & Fitness Consuitation. Call and arrange an appointment to learn more about what you need to do to improve your health and § fitness level, 926-7706.