4 - Wednesday, October 22, 1986 - North Shore News 7 ae ree Bob Hunter HAVING a bad back in f modern society is somehow dishonest. People KNOW you are shirk- ing some responsibility. You've bribed the doctor, haven't you’ Having run out of excuses for malingering, you're resorting to the lowest common denominator of cop-outs: the spine. Not even your mother really believes there's seriously anything wrong with you. She remembers back to your youth when you were trying to avoid cutting the lawn. A bad back? Come on! Certainly your male friends will never treat your problem as though it was real. Go ahead. Try to tell a lifelong buddy that you actually CAN'T lift that pic- nic table without experiencing ac- tual physical pain. He guffaws loudly and elbows you in the ribs. The message is clear enough, even if never said aloud. If you can’t lift heavy objects you ain’t a man and that’s all there is to it, chum, Not lifting is for dames, right? It doesn’t matter if you’ve come by your disability in a macho fashion. In my own case, 1 pounded a couple of lower- spine vertebrae into a vertebra A many years ago, during (or rather, at the end of) a parachute jump. How hairy-chested can you get? How stupid? . Anybody dumb enough to _ voluntarily jump out of a plane, trusting their lives to a kind of upside-down giant brassiere, gets _what they deserve. You know? In my particular idiotic case, . the punishment was more deserv- ing than usual. It wasn’t as ‘though 1 was liberating Holland (for better or worse) or helping to put out a forest fire. | was just out to get a byline. The City Editor had yelled out, **Who wants a byline?” A dozen ego-maddened young reporters rushed forward, and | happened to have the bad karma to reach City Desk first. - Next thing I knew, I was jump- ing ‘out of a plane, discovering belatedly that 1 didn’t know how to adjust the cords so that I could land facing the ground. If you come in backwards, like I did, you come in twice as fast | as you should and there is a good i chance of drilling a hole in the base of your brain with the top part of your spine, fusing everything below into a boney spike. So much for the macho part. | For a couple of decades since, ! have suffered from a ‘‘bad back.” © strictly personal © This has unbearable face loss. Imagine walking through an airport terminal in Edmonton, of all places, with your wile stagger- ing along beside you, carrying half a dozen heavy suitcases and boxes, and all you're doing is scanning the inflight magazine, trying to avoid looking other men in the eyes. That sort of thing may go over swell in parts of India or Africa, but not Alberta, man! And you can't keep running up to every guy who sneers at you fo explain, ‘‘Hey, look, I took this really macho parachute jump once, see? And I can't carry heavy things anymore."' They all think | must have hired her into slavery or some- thing. Everybody kuows, even in the Age of Femininism, women don’t carry all the heavy stuff while the male just sashays along, checking out the universe. How do 1 say this? Letting your girlfriend or wife or daugh- ter or mother carry the groceries across the parking lot, while you open the door of the car, is liable (o get you arrested on suspicion of pimping. That's how negatively society views the male with the bad back. Group gatherings are probably the worst situations for us unspectacular gimps. I rnean, we are the invisible minority among people with obvious physical problems. So when the time comes to help push Harry’s car out of the ditch, (which he incidentally crashed into while being a total klutz) we always wind up down there shoulder to grill, being one of the boys. Ready? Heave! A bad back? Sure! Doesn’t stop you from holding up your end of the bar, does it? Ho, ho ho! Over the years, [ have become quite adroit at avoiding lifting heavy things. Every once in a while, swept up in the momen- tum of an event, | forget, of course. Buying a couple of boxes of canned dog food the other day, I decided to get tough about being weak. Instead of picking the boxes up myself, I'd get the clerk to do it. The clerk, of course, turned out (o be a frail teenage girl who couldn't believe | was trying to pull such a trick on her. Bad back? Sure, mister. 1 wanted to explain. But | knew if I started babbling my life stary to them they'd call for the police. Guess who wound up unloading the dog food? You got it. My wife. meant METROPOLITAN CLINICAL LABORATORIES FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE Changes in Hours of Operation DEEP COVE 4313 Gallant Ave. North Vancouver DUNDARAVE 2419 Bellevue Ave West Vancouver HOLLYBURN 520 17th St. West Vancouver MON.—FRI. 8:30am-12:30pm 1:30pm-5:00pm MON.-FRI. 8:30am- 12:30pm 1:30pm-5:00pm MON.-FRI. 8:00am-5:00 pm SATURDAY 8:00am-12noon EFFECTIVE OCTOBER 20, 1986 A day ayo in court THE FOLLOWING people ap- peared in North amd West Van- couver provincial courthouses over the past week to face various crime inal charges laid against then, Before Judge JK. Shaw in North Vancouver provincial court Oct. 20: Mark Patrick Des Hinratis, 24, was fined $18 on a charge of sate ing a vessel over five-Knot harbor speed limits in Deep Cove harbor, Corrine Anne Piette, 22, and Klorenes Alice Humehitt, 26, both of Vancouver, were fined $28 each ona joint charge of trespassing oo Seaboard International Terminal property. Before Judge J.D. Layton in North Vancouver provincial court Oct. 17: A bench warrant was issued for Maurice Solin O'Bricn after the 39-year-old Coquithim man failed to appear for a scheduled court appearance on a charge of failing to appear for another scheduled court appearance. Before Judge 3.K. Shaw in North Vancouver provincial court Oct. 16: David Friesen was fined $250 after the 29-year-old Sechelt: man pleaded guilty to a charge of fail- ing to remain at the scene of an accident. Before Judge J.K. Shaw in North Vancouver provincial court Oct. 15: Troy Phillip Kastes, 21, was handed a suspended sentence and placed on two years probation after he pleaded guilty to one charge of break and enter in con- nection with a Sept. 23 incident. A charge of possession of stolen property against Kastes was drop- ped. Before Judge J.D.Layton in North Vancouver provincial court Oct. 14: David Gallagher was sentenced to seven days in jail after being convicted on a charge of driving while prohibited. | for Planting over 250 varieties of SPRING FLOWERING BULBS in stock now!!! EMERALD GREEN PYRAMID: CEDAR 4 ft. tall ‘Decorates, "Keeps weeds down, insulates “roots of tender shrubs... oe Carden Spot vert 2558 Haywood Ave. i Haywood Ave i North Van store open 9am-6pm Mon.-Sat. Open Sunday 9am—-5pm West Van store open 9am-6pm CONFUSED ABOUT RRSP’s AT RETIREMENT? Call the Retirement Income Specialists ZLOTNIK, LAMB & SCARRATT 1666 - G66 Burrard Street Vancouver, BC. V6C 2x8 688-7208 toil trae line 1-800-663-3471 OCT. 23rd - 26th : P.NE. FORUM BLDG. = rh VANCOUVER, B.C. == EXPERIENCE = © Psychic Readings O Spiritual Groups 0 Lectures 0 Holistic Health © lon Shower 07 Aura Photography 0 New Age Books 0) New Age Products WITH ADMISSION lon Shower Q Brochures 7 ESP Testing © Lectures Thursday 6 p.m.-11 p.m. Friday 11 a.m.-11 p.m. Saturday 11 a.m.-11 p.m. Sunday 11 a.m.-8 p.m. In 1985, over 8,000 people came to the Vancouver E.$.P. Fair and 6,000 people to the Calgary E.S.P. Fair. Calgary Sun: = "E.S.P. Fair is a real sensation" Vancouver Sun: ‘A four-day psychic extravaganza” Seattle Times: ‘Psychic Fair has exhibits, experience, even a skeptic will enjoy" Tir ERITSTE crn er threermeen JUMBO KING ALFRED ute -BULS ibs ByLES es B58 North Van. 985-1784 1343 Lynn Valley Rd. 7 days a week