56 - Sunday, November 15, 1987 - North Shore News

Lifestyles____

OFFICE RELATIONSHIPS BARED

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DEAR MISS MANNERS — A
few mouths ago, I got a job at a
wonderful company. I admire the
plersant group of people with
whom I work, people who would
never censider hurting others
under normal circun:stances.

miss
manners

by Judith
Martin

However, I have just discovered :

that every year, the members of
my company go on a retreat where
they are required to discuss what
they really think about one
another. I can’t help but believe
that this brand of honesty will hurt
relationships in the long run,
especially when the participants
may not be genuinely interested in
the others’ opinions, but feel forc-
ed to take part.

How can I handie this horrible
situation and avoid hurting others
or getting my feelings hurt? Maybe
I’m different, but I hold grudges

and know that I would never feel |

the same about someone who
pointed out my flaws publicly
under the guise of doing me a
favor.

GENTLE READER — Miss
Manners is totally opposed to the
activity you describe, It reminds
her of the slumber parties of her
youth, where one young girl would
suggest, ‘‘Let’s all say exactly what
we really think of everyone else
and promise that nobody’s feelings
will be hurt,’? and 15 minutes
later, the entire assemblage would

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be in tears.

Having one’s flaws pointed out
publicly would be a triai, even if
there were agreement about what
‘*flaws’’ are, and if one needed on-
\y to know them to be able to
change them. Any seriously offen-
sive practices on the part of an
employee should be brought to his
or her attention privately by a
supervisor. But the notion that
everyone can and should change to
accommodate everyone else’s ‘pet
peeves’’ also presumes that there is
no need to tolerate an acceptable
range of human behavior.

If you cannot be excused from
these sessions, Miss Manners sug-
gests that you set a standard by
stating only that which you find
pleasant about the others. People

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retreat

have a way of believing that only
unpleasantness is ‘‘honest,’’
forgetting that appreciation can
also be genuine.

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TREAUATS

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