4 —- Sunday, October 9, 1994 — North Shore News

Land of John

BEING AWAY from Canada
for a month, as Grey Eyes
and I have been, is a bit like
being on the moon. We did
learn that Parizeau’s mob
had won in Quebec but the
rest was silence.

Question: if the rest of the world
doesn’t worry about us, why should
we worry about the rest of the
world? Forget about Haiti. Forget
about a developing world that
refuses to develop.

Still, there's fun to be had in
being abroad provided you don’t
poke your nose into places where
the bubonic plague is raging.

We were in England and the
only plague that rages there is
eccentricity.

While we were there His Grace
the Archbishop of York announced
that apes have souls.

And a Right Rev. who was
about to become a bishop confessed
to having got up to a bit of hanky
panky 26 years ago ina public
lavatory.

We're crazy too, of course, but
as far as I know even our looncys
haven't ruled that Thornas the Tank
Engine is sexist and that his sup-
porting engines are therefore being
renamed. But that’s being done in
the U.K. In vain did Thomas’ cre-
ator how] that it was all a lot of rub-
bish.

Elitist elements in what used to
be John Buil Land are second to
none in the practice of political cor-
rectness.

And fun from the labor front
included the railway settlement.
Striking signalmen gave up pay-
ment for “lonely time,” they having
been paid extra in the past for being
alone in their signal boxes, the poor
darlings. .

On the IRA front 1 couldn’t
believe my eyes when Jerry Adams
the Sinn Fein leader and terrorist -
came on the box one night. Sort of.

A caption explained that an
actor was speaking Adams’ words
— Irish accent and all. Hilarious.

For seven years the law prevent-
ed Adams from being interviewed
on British TV and radio, so that
was how the networks got around
the rule. The ban was lifted just
before we left.

In case you haven't heard,
England is still a green and pleasant
land and becoming even greener
and pleasanter with the disappear-

ON THE OTHER HAND

ance of so much dirty industry. ft
also seemed to me that the country
was every bit as well off as we are
and perhaps more so. ‘

One result is that in a population
of 56 million there are 26 million
cars on the roads. And in the rural

- areas breakdowns can be more than

a bit of a nuisance. In Yorkshire we
passed a sports car that had stopped
to change a tire. In no time at all

‘there was a line of cars stretching

two miles into the distance.

Against that, the main highway
system is a wonder to behold, even
though there is much bitching about
it. No one wants one of those things
near his back door, you see. It is
also said that they don’t do the
birds any good.

Everyone hums along at 80 to
85 miles an hour. But I saw no
accidents, and roadside cameras
spot trouble immediately. The only
thing drivers have to worry about is
more road construction.

Not knowing the language I
wondered what this sign meant:

CONE HOTLINE: Phone....

It meant that if work crews
hadn’t removed lane control cones
on a main road when they should
have, you could get action by phon-
ing the given number. Pretty neat.

As for illegal parking, watch
your wallet. They don't mess
around. Wheels are “clamped” with
a devilish device and there’s no dri-
ving off with a half cwt. of iron on
your tire.

I liked this notice in one town:

“Clamp for illegal parking on
private property 50 pounds; or be
towed away at 80 pounds a day
(including tax).”

Looking for a great way to put your money to

sull

now just full of bull ¢

Doug
Collins

Fifty pounds is over $100.
Eighty pounds is about $165.

There are also various grades of
parking. Towns have signs
announcing “Long Parking” and
“Short Parking.”

Does it sound as if f did a fot of
driving? Not bloody likely! [left
that to the locals. Not only do they
drive on the wrong side of the road,
as is well known, but they also have
things called “roundabouts.”

Get on one of those things and if
you don’t know how to handle
them you could be there for ever, If
I'd driven into one [ might still be
in it.

Happily, the dreaded English
cooking is a thing of the past. Lots
of good pub foad, too, net io men-
tion the beautiful bitter beer.

And where else in the world can
you buy booze in the local post
office, as was possible in Stutton,
Suffolk, the centre of Constable
country?

Mind you, there was one hotel in
which a member of our party asked
for a fried egg for breakfast and
was told they didn’t do fried eggs.
They did them boiled, scrambled,
and poached, but not fried. I think
I'll send them a frying pan for
Christmas.

Prize for headline of the month
went to the London Evening
Standard. \t read:

“U.S. Paratroops turn back in
mid-air as Haiti deal is struck.”

No one explained how they
managed it.

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