C10 - Wednesday, October 5, 1983 - North Shere News THE STRUGGLE FOR INDEPENDENCE Submit to others or satisfy yourself . QUESTION: I have had a tendency to allow myself to be influenced by other peo- ple. I suppose we all are in- fluenced by others, but I feel that [| am submitting to others more than I should. Most of the time I am O.K. because | also have a tenden- cy to want to co-operate with others out of respect for their feelings. | kind of like that quality in myself and want to hold on to it. I think there are a lot of things we should do, even against our wills, rather than simply insisting on hav- ing our own way, no matter what the inconvenience to others. So, you see, I feel like I'm in the middie between wanting to fit in with others’ needs and interests on the one hand, and running my own life more independently, on the other. That's what I'm trying to work out. The other day |! phoned a friend to work out a time for us to pet together. | decided that any day would be all right except Thursday. Well, (of course) she said, “‘Let’s do it on Tharsday."’ And what did | say You puessed it. I said, *“O.K., Thursday is fine.’” | didn’t want her to put herself out and yet, afterwards, | was mad at myself for giving in. Why couldn't I have said, **No, Thursday is no good’’? When I'm going to go out to some social function I! figure out what I'd like to wear. Then I remember that Wilma will be there (or Mary or Jack) and she would feel funny because I was too for- mal, or informal, or wearing a color that was too vibrant or too drab or too something. So, out of respect for her feelings, I choose something that [ know will not bother her. That's dumb - I know that, but that’s what I do and what I want to quit doing. How do I go about it? STEWART: Doing things *‘out of respect for their feel- ings’ is not all that bad, IF what you want to do most 1s respect. their feelings. If, however, you find that 1s becoming a continuous and habitual way with you, (even to the point where you are not peforming ‘‘out of respect for’’ your own ‘‘feel- ings’’) then you are getting the signal that there is a bet- ter way for you. | think that’s where you are right now. A good game to play with yourself that might be helpful is to watch carefully how often you say “‘l ought to’’, “*) should’’, ‘‘I’m supposed to”> and ‘‘what will they think’’ Whenever you dis \| ask hayden stewart Freelance Counsellor Hayden Stewart may be reached at 261-6242 forappointments for tindivudual family or group counselling cover yourself using those words, ask yourself if you are able to replace them with ‘'I want’’. You’ find some answers that will give you clues as to what you are do- ing with yourself - and with others. If you know that the low- cut green dress which you'd hke to wear will ‘‘upset”’ them, is it that you want to wear it IN ORDER to upset them?if you do, it’s a second best choice because you Say yourself that you are the sort of person who does not WANT to do something other than ‘‘respect their feel- ings.” So back off. Wear that pink one they like, but do i for YOUR sake. In other words, continue to avoid deliberately upsetting them. But, if you have no ulterior motive in wearing the green dress, then wear it. Don’t) knuckle under and thus rob them of the oppor- tunity of handling the pro- blem they are choosing to br- ing on themselves. And don’t rob them of the opportunity of discovering that you are a person with a mind of your own, even while you seem to be respecting their feelings too. Listen to what your best self is telling you and go along with it. A new start begins at home QUESTION: Where can I go to get a whole new start in life? A fresh stast is what | anced, I know that, but where do I go to make that start? STEWART: 1 wish | felt more sure of what you mean when you ask “Where can | go?” | immediately thought of a rather fhp answer | {NOW AVAILABLE and exclusive to Co-Ordinated Kitchens! a gorgeous, yet superbly functional line of all new “Designers Chow e know of a place for you to go You are already there! Be fully where you ARE nght now And listen with holy respect to what your inner best self is trying to tell you about a first step. Take that first step and then say, “Now what?” And there will always be more! 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