Freelance Counsellor Hayden Stewart may be reached at 261-6242 for appointments for individual, family or group counselling. His new office in the Plaza international Hotel [open Tuesdays only] is for the convenience of North Shore residents. . Still gentle- men out there QUESTION: The letter from the 40-year-old female in the January 28 Sunday News struck a soft spot in me. I have tried very hard to treat women in my life exactly as she desires, but in so many instances of dinner dates, gift-giving, etc., fe- males of today seem to have an inborn suspicion that the guy always wants something (i.e. sex] in return. Admit- tedly that is the ulterior motive of many men, as she has found out, but there are some of us left who take out a woman for an evening for her companionship, and, if we have really enjoyed our- selves, perhaps a gift or flowers would be appropriate in gratitude for the enjoyabic evening. Girls! Why the narrow- minded hang-up on feeling obligated to go to bed with a guy because he treats you specially nice? Why not, instead, be grateful you have a guy like that and let the sexual activity develop with him In due course? The “‘gentlemen’’ are still about, but most are slowly losing the desire to wine and dinc females these days because thelr motives are regarded with suspicion. 1 agree Hayden that the woman who wrote the letter has a good attitude, bat the times we live In don’t seem to be conducive to her needs. 1 wish her lots of luck In finding *‘Mr. Right’’. P.S. ’'m too young for the lady In question. STEWART: Your letter may be some cncouragement to her 1 felt a litthe squeamish about your repeatedly calling her a ‘female’, but | may be no Hide too sensentive along these lines What think ye? - QUESTION: ‘about Pm in my mid-twenties and dating a man in his mid-thirties. My background fs such that I am not at all used -to affluence. Garth {not his right name] on the other hand was left quite asum and has also done very, very well for his age in the business world, To put it mildly, he has no financial worries and lives a style of life that speaks® of his comfortably well-off situa- tion. When we first started . dating, I was happy about the kinds of restaurants he chose and the places he took me and the flowers and gifts he showered on me. It was like.a dream and I was swept - up in the sheer fun of being a recipient of his generosity. I’m sure you get the picture. But soon he started giving me other things of quite some value and I began to feel awkward about it. He gave me a gorgeous leather coat, expensive earrings and some other jewelery. It had started off so enjoyably and naturally, but then it became just too much. I made efforts to refuse some of his gifts but I wasn’t very good at it and I believe he thought I was just being polite. I have never had much to give and before I knew what was happening, I-was aware that c I sort.of felt like I owed: him _ something. I felt obligated. 1. am really bothered by that feeling. | We have had a good love relationship, but it. is -being threatened by my. feeling obligated to him. I honestly don’t think HE feels that I. am obliged to him, but ti. cannot get past that ‘feeling. The whole thing kind of crept .@p on me and now |! feel trapped by not knowing how to d-al with it. What can I do? STEWART: It ‘is not difficult seeing how you allowed — yourself, innocently enough, to get drawn into your present situation. At first I am sure, this generosity seemed appropriate to a man of his means, and you were starry-eyed enough to be open to it. I will be hoping you come right out .and tell him_you are having difficulty handling his generosity and that it is very hard for you to avoid feeling obligated. Let him know that you don’t like feeling that way and that he could help you by keeping it ‘in mind. Let him know you are happy in the relationship but have had no experience in learning how to receive ‘‘things’’ without feeling awkward. Old stick- in-the-mud | QUESTION: The other day we ran out of marmalade and my husband nearly had a fit. He ALWAYS has marma- lade, and ALWAYS the same brand. He ALWAYS has it on brown bread and ALWAYS orange juice and coffee go along with it. OK, so he’s got a thing having the same breakfast everday. | could stand that, although it bugs me, BUT he does everything everyday exactly the way he did it every other day since I've known him. The way he dresses, the way he goes to church, the way he shows affection, they way he pays his bills, the way he watches TV, everything, always ts Just like It always has been. We've been married seven years and the thought of this eternal sameness going on for another seven years, or perhaps another 50 years is terrifying. P'm getting sick of brown toast and marmalade! The other day I laughed right out loud when I caught myself staring at the bath- room medicine cabinet and wondering what the tooth- paste would look like on tho the third shelf instead of the second. I tried it. But I put It back because my husband would be so upset. What can i do to break the monotony? [lt hope you get the drift that I've cxaggerated a bit]. STEWART: First off, buy a tube of tooth paste of your very own and pul it on the third shelf and stand and look atit for seven years, or until you start laughing whichever comes first. Then, with the good fecling that will give you, go to your husband and tell him you are going to help him make his rut as comfy as possible for him, but that YOU are going to experiment with some changes for yourself. Select changes you want to see happen, that will be the least likely to bother old Stick-in-the-Mud, them out for yourself. There are a lot of ways for you to jump out of the rut without pressuring him to do it too. If you enjoy it, ACT LIKE IT! He may be intrigued. It may be harder to change a pattern that both of you have participated in for a long time, but give your whole heart and mind to try it out. Simply CHOOSE your own desired changes and enter in to them. But, for the changes you want to make in him, let yourself get into the rut of forgetting it. NOW'S THE . TIME TO BUCKLE DOWN! and try” He may say, ‘‘There is no reason for you to feel obligated’’ and you will: be able to reply ‘‘I know you haven’t an ounce of desire to make me _ feel obligated, Garth, but that’s where [’m at, and I would like very much for you to be willing to ~help. me e by holding back on . . , mane A we MD hewn FE DOT RD ee meee do 0 em a iT ‘Page 45, February 14,1979 - North Shore News @ , oR the dollar value of your gifts. I want so much to continue rating your gift of yourself far far ahead of any of your gifts of things’’. Naturally, you would not say that sort of thing in the way I have worded it, but the’ Idea within my suggestion. sing (2 VAI A /| Pr pen (| may be a bit of help to you. By the way, keep in mind that his gifts to you may well be-the very best way he knows of sharing himself. So ‘don’t_make it a big issue in which you Demand that he change. Rather, offer him the opportunity to help you _ handle your difficulty. . most modern SPA in Western Canada Open 7 days a week Mon. to Fri. 10 am-10pm Sat. & Sun. from 10 am-6 pm CALL NOW 986-5201 NORTH SHORE INT. PLAZA HOTEL MARINE DR. wa Nias wan NESEY