32 ~ Wednesday, December 2, 1987 - North Shore News Lifestyles_ 55 YEARS OF MARRIAGE Discuss needs with wife Q. I HAVE been married for 55 years and I need some basic information about sexual intercourse. My wife says she can’t climax untess I do. She has, for as long as I can remember, always had a way of telling me to hurry up so she can reach orgasm. Time was that this didn't bother me. She could be talking on the phone and eating an apple, and only interrupt her con- versation to tell me to hurry up, she wanted to climax. And I wor'd be able to carry on all right, but lately when she tells me to hurry up because she wants to finish, it does bother me, and a few times I have lost my erection. When that happens she is apt to complain that she was left un- satisfied because I didn't climax. Is that true about men and women? by Ruth Westheimer SERERISEECST, , Re A. I think you have to ask your wife — nicely and affectionately, because bickering won’t ac- complish much to improve married lovemaking, but having a nice way of discussing sexual needs will — not to talk on the phone or eat ap- ples during intercourse but to con- centrate on what she is doing, and on the pleasure she wants, because the fact is that no man can please a woman unless she does that. I think you may be joking about her talking on the phone and eating an apple. But do you not care what she feels during sex? Or is she the only indifferent one? The information you want — does a woman climax at the time or only after the man has ejaculated? —. is that certainly - most women don’t have to wait until the man has climaxed to have their own climaxes. Maybe your wife is a rare exception, but J doubt it. It used to be taught that the man and woman should climax at the same time for perfect sex. Now, it is wrong to talk about perfect sex. There is good sex, there is good sexual pleasure, and there is ter- rific sex, but perfect sex is not an objective fact. It exists only in the mind of the lover, and by lover I mean either the man or the woman. And when two sex part- ners climax at the same moment we have a rare coincidence, pleas- ant perhaps but unusual and not necessary for enjoyment. Sometimes the man takes too long to climax, and the intercourse becomes tiresome or uncomfort- able for the woman. Then she may ask the man to please come to his climax, and she may fib a little and say she can’t until he does. I don’t say your wife fibs, but the chances are that if she can climax at all | then she can do it either before or after you do. And once in a while at the same time — but remember, this is not a race and there is no real photo finish. If the man loses his erection be- fore he has pleased either her or himself, she may definitely be un- satisfied and need further stimula- - tion in other ways in order to have an orgasm. In a marriage of over 50 years, if the man has only lost his erection a few times, then that is an unusual marriage and you are to be con- gratulated. With advancing years the sex in a marriage, which can go on being great to a respectable age, does change. But you and your wife both have some responsibility for pleasing each other, for being encouraging and helpful and lov- ing. Good lovers share their apples and their sex. Q. I’m 35 and my wife has left me for a number of reasons. My business was on the rocks, she had knee surgery and had to quit her job — and the knee made sex pret- ty difficult, too. I stayed home to help ber and I was depressed about bills and I guess it ail looked back to her. So she left me and wrote a letter saying she had to find herself. What can I do to get her back? - Local promotes meditation From page 31 tate levels are associated with anx- iety. “When one becomes a little practised in doing Piko Piko, one slips into this meditative state very quickly and easily, just with three or four breaths,’’ Taylor said. Before 1970 when Fatha was known as Kenneth, his life was | complete as far as realizing himself as a successful business person. But he said, ‘‘By the time I had everything in place, | found I was not interested.’’ For more information on . counselling sessions offered by Taylor call 987-5895. A. Write her a letter and say vou wish while she is looking for herself she would try to find you. You are lost without her. This is worth trying. Keep in touch with her while you try to get your act together, and if she still isn’t inter- ested when you have things straightened out you'd better put a time limit on trying to get her back. Sometimes when they go they are really gone. 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