Encouraging relatives
to offer assistance

DEAR MISS MANNERS
— Disasters bring out the
best — and other sides — in

people.

§ have always been avaiiable to
family for baby-sitting, holiday
requests for favorite foods, and
all present-piving occasions. Yet
during a recent storm, not oue of
the family called to see if 1 needed
something, bad power, had dam-
age to the house, etc.

They all have outdoor cooking
facilities, grills, gas-operated ap-
pliances, camping equipment and
so forth. | ;

FE am not bittér, just a little
heavy-hearted. Having grown up
in the'’30s and °40s, I, remember

the sense of family and conscience.

as being much stronger.
My good breediag tells me to
" forget this — however, I think 1
might ‘bring it up next time 3 re-
quest for a favor is made. Would
this be unfair? —

GENTLE READER — Miss
Manners is all for family, feeling
and conscience, too, but she does
not totally exclude the possibility
that you are already being unfair.

If your relatives live outside.the
disaster area, perhaps they were
unaware of your danger. If they
live within it, pechaps they were

battling ‘danger of their own. Or:

maybe their telephones were out.
Had you. -attempted to call to find
out how they ‘were, you would
have known.

Although you do not give, your
‘age or family position,’ Miss
Manners assumes that you believe
you are,the one who should be
called upon because of seniority.
She does not quarrel with the ex-
pectation tbat the young should
defer. to their elders, but suggests
that Kéeping too strict accounts is
net conducive to encouraging the
family feeling you crave.

Your. suggestion of ' balancing -.
their indifference in an emergency .

against your general kindliness is
not, likely to produce that, guilty
Tush of warmth that might reform
your. relatives. But you might
achieve it by asking cheerfully,
when you are obliging them on
something else:
worried about me during the
storm? I felt kind of isolated.’’

DEAR MISS MANNERS — 1
am biessed with a wife both

“impeccable manners.

‘listen .with equanimity.

‘“Weren’t you.

MISS MANNERS

charming and lovabie (with a rep-
utation for impeccable manners).
As a certified boor, I habitually
cover the telephone receiver when
asking my loved one her feelings
about invitations for social activi-
ties, etc.

She, on the other hand, com-
municaics simiiar information

.without, any pretext of privacy.
‘Divorce seems the only way cut

unless you solve cur problem.
GENTLE READER — Do we
have a manners problem here or a
technological one? Does your wife
think it appropriate for prospec-
tive hosts to hear her reactions to
their invitations, or does she

* assume they can’t?

But then you: did mention to
Miss Manners that the lady has
Perhaps,
then, her ‘feelings’? consist of
statements to which a host could
“How
wonderful -— tell him we'd love
to” or “Oh, dear — I’m heart-
broken that we can’t make it that
night.”’

However, if there is any danger
of these feelings taking forms such
as **Do we have to?”’ or “i don’t
think 1 can face that,”’ then you
are right, and the telephone must
be covered against any possibility
of affecting the host's’ feelings
adversely with your own.

DEAR MISS MANNERS —
My husband and I were married
in 1988 at a courthouse, wearing
blue jeans and T-shirts. Naturally

* you can anderstand my desire to

have a formal wedding with my
family and friends is a Catholic

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church.

Vm confused about the cotors. I
want dark grey tuxes with (ails
and, for the bridesmaids, purple
cr lavendar. Do the groomsmen
have to match the groom as far as
tails are concerned? Does the
bride's father have to match? Are
tails supposed to be worn in the
moming? Does the flower girl
match the bridesmaids?

GENTLE READER — Miss
Manners is not quite so under-
standing as you are kind enough
to assume.

It seems to ner that the style of
the wedding is decided before the
wedding is held — and that you
made such a choice — rather than
that everyone is entitled to at least
one formai wedding and can ccl-
lect it at any time during the mar-
riage.

However, if your family and
friends are willing to sit still for
this, Miss Manners is not going to
object.

Oxford-gray coats with tails are
worn with striped trousers to the
most formal daytime weddings.
(The evening version is black; nei-
ther of these is the less formal
evening suit, sometimes called a
tuxedo, which is properly only
black and worn in the evening.)
The gentlemen of the brid] party
stiould dress alike, but v. iations
in the clothing of the fen le at-
tendants, within the same. style
range, is not only proper but
often more charming than a
uniform look.

Pe :
Nera phote Cindy

With savvy

But if the flower girl protests SWAROVSKI CANADA vice-president Marilyn White shows off
that she’d rather wear blue jeans | the latest jewelry at Birks in Park Royal. Savvy. Jewelry would
and a T-shirt, Miss Manners make-an ideal gift for Christmas. ,
hopes you will tell her a cav- . oe

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