c10- Sunday News, September 20, 1981 QUESTION: I have been - married to my husband for three years and love him dearly. I am glad I am mar- ried to him and want to stay _ that way.-But, as people so often say in your colunm, I have a problem. Although I am not pushy ahout it, (but, rather, grateful) I consider myself to be a, liberated woman. I have been true to my husband throughout our marriage, hut therein lies the problem. Before my marriage, I had a deep and loving relation- ship with Derek (not his real name, of course) which was, and still is, one of the highlights of my life. It was more than a profound friend- ship. When we made love, it was always the most natural and beautiful experience that was simply a completing of our honest feelings for each other and _ oar. uninhibited joy over being with each other in honest trust. - There was nothing cheap about it—ever. We never thought of ourselves as mov- ing-toward marriage or even living with each other. We were simply very, good state that women’s fib is ab- solutely and unquestionably crazy. Don’t women know when they are well off? STEWART: Some of them do. And some of them don't. But that is not what is bothering you. What you are uptight about is that some women know when they are not well off and sense the need to change that situa- -commitment. ; want that to come about, By friends. Now, the problem. I occa- sionally see Derek and we have both continued in our deep friendship. We have never gone to bed with one another since my marriage. But why? It seems: almost hypocritical for us to draw such a meaningless line. My nature leaves no room for deceit with my husband. If I were to go to bed with Derek, I would tell my hus- ‘band and I know, or think I know, that he would be unable to handle that news in a way that would allow our marriage to continue with its present beauty and I would not the way, I Want you to know that Derek is not exerting an ounce of pressure upon me. You can see that this is not a moral issue with me, but one of love and trust. I would greatly appreciate your comments on this unusual! situation. STEWART: I can clearly understand why you say “this is not a moral issue with me” and yet it is, you know. You -have such a refreshing respect for trust and love that morality is being made a tion. Granted, some of them go about that noble and needed task in ways that seem excessive to some men—and to some women too. But some men also go to excess in keeping things just like they've been for a thou- sand years. There is less to be uptight about in women's lib than there is in men, or women, who brand the efforts of loves. part of your search for the opportunities that are available to you in your two Derek is allowing morality to play its part too when he refrains from “exer- .ting an ounce of pressure” on you. I have an exciting sort of confidence in your working things: out well. I feel like making only one comment for your consideration as you think things through. There are some things I hope will continue, because they cannot fail to make a con- tribution to your life and the lives of your husband and Derek. So, by all means, choose to continue with your high evaluation of trust and love ‘and freedom from deceit. And secondly, con- tinue with your love and friendship and joy that are related to you and your hus- band and you and Derek. Love is not something to be cut off. In any relationship, there is room for flexibility and choice in regard to the ‘manner in which the love will be manifested and ex- perienced and shared. It is in that area that you have some options. Look well to your choices. It is not really a “problem” ask hayden stewart Freelance Counsellor Hayden Stewart may be reached at 261-624. for appointments for individual. family or group counselling. joing to excesses QUESTION: I just want to women, or meg, to bring about a better life for all of us as being ABSOLUTELY AND UNQUESTIONABLY CRAZY. 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