4 - Friday, December 25, 1992 — North Shore News The year the New Grinchocrats almost... THE YEAR the New Grin- chocrats Damn Near Stole Christmas... *Twas the night before Christmas, and all through San- ta's Toy Factory the non-unioniz- ed Elves were beavering away, happily making toys for all the g00d little boys and girls of the world, and quite a few of the stinkers too — Santa being a lot fess hung up on perfect behavior than you might think. Santa himself, beaming and shcuting encouragement, marched back and forth lending a hand here and there to the toiling Elves, sweat on his merry brow, and wearing his big factory overalls with thick suspenders. The heat of the place, what with the natural cosiness of San- ta’s home at the North Pole plus the feverish activity, contrasted sharply with the temperature out- doors, which was cold enough to freeze a witch's apples. There was a sudden knock at the door — knocks being notoriously hard to do slowly. An Elf threw open the door. In trod the members of the New Grinchocratic Party Subcommittee on Fair Practices in the Workplace, Political Correctness, Gender & Other Minority Balances, and Fat Jobs for Your Cronies — widely known by the simple acronym NGPSFPWPCGOMBFIYC. They were a terribly serious lot, - with uniform round heads, pinch- ed faces, and long blue noses, each with a drip at the end of it. They were evidently cold even in the heat of the factory, and in- explicably you could see their frosty breath, which confounds science. Work stopped. Santa advanced to greet them, extending a hand, and bellowed a greeting: ‘‘Merry Christmas!”” The New Grinchocrats ignored him. They spread out, mordantly picking and poking at things, gaz- ing around disapprovingly, and sniffing for doctrinal error. One picked up a toy and held it to the light. **Where’s the union bug on this thing?’’ she growled. Santa smiled broadly. ‘All of our loys are union — the union of Hope and Happiness for all the children of the world,”’ he said. “Can’t you sce its mark on every toy?”’ The New Grinchocrat couldn't. She glowered at Santa, suspec- ting him of contempt of commit- tee, a serious crime in the land of the New Grinchocrats. She produced a black book and pointedly marked something in it. Another New Grinchocrat had been casting a rheumy eye over the work force. “Ahal’’ she cried. “Not only are your workers non-union, they are obviously children. Haven't you heard of the Child Labor Act?" And she stared keenly at Santa as if she thought he was sexually exploiting them too, which in fact she did. Santa laughed heartily. ‘These aren’t children,’’ he ex- plained. ‘‘They’re short, but they aren’t children. They’re Elves.”’ The New Grinchocrat looked gloomily disappointed, as if she was eager to find Santa guilty of not hiring Visible Minorities, which in fact she was. But it was plain that the whole factory employed nothing but 2 Visible Minority. She suspiciously looked them over for some heterosexual bias, but the truth was that the whole atmosphere was gayer than Den- man Street on Saturday night. Much gayer — absolutely ecstatic . with the joy of good works. But a cry of nasty delight inter- rupted her thoughts. One of her fellow New Grinchocrats beckon- ed from the door of the stable, adjoining Santa's factory. “Oho! Oho! OF! she cackl ed. ‘Just look what incorrectness at word I’ve found here, guys’’ — that had been declared ap- propriate by the New Girinchoerat Gender Police as being gender- neutral, Trevor Lautens The committee members eagerly bustled forward. They crowded into the stable, followed by the smiling Santa and some of his worried Elves, “*Look at these reindeer!" she cried, pointing to the animals, which had stopped munching their hay ard looked up at the visitors quizzically. “They're being demeaned, right? Speciesism!’’ said another committee member, looking around conceitedly, as if he thought he was in the very vanguard of progressive thought, which in fact he did. Said another: *‘They’re being treated cruelly — made to pull heavy loads of,” and here she leaned pointedly on the phrase, “non-union toys through the air, right?’’ However, the reindeer by then had wandered over to the commit- ALLASCHERSKS 50% ROSS'GNOL 311 reg. 29099 149° ELAN COMPREX GX reg. saas9 I ROSSIGNOL DV6L rog.520.99 © 299° KASILE SX ACTION EXTREME 264" DYNASTAR COURSE X-COMP 297° SUNIOR SPECIAL 340-170 CM GERMINA SK} W/LOOK BL BINDING value fo 267.98 retums of vot funds accepted : oxing DAY- on porn shopping | FOAM 119” GARDEN OF BIASES tee members and quizzically nuzzkd them — their absolutely splendid physiques and perfect health belying any insinuation of abuse — and looked the New Grinchocrats calmly and with equality straight.in the eye, as if they were more intelligent than their visitors, which in fact they were. **No, not”’ said the New Grin- NORDICA §57 vate at 299.99 119” NORDICA 458 vahe at 199.99 119” NORDICA 657 value at 294.99 139 NORDICA 982 EXT value at 624.99 299” NORDICA 982 value at 595.00 299" SALOMON EQUPE eg. 10 675.00 329™ ENTRY LEVEL SPECIAL 149” PALE ADULT S! 452.00 LIMITED SIZES & COLOUR: W/LOOK GP BINDING chocrat who had called her cot- leagues to the door. “Mone of toctt Here’s where we'll get this,” ara “ere she threw acontem aus glance .* Santa, “this, this nevwrsosexual white tale” — she bit her tongue just as she was about to say ‘told’ and thus would have committed the gravely incorrect error of ageism — ‘for failing to advance visible minorities. Look at the names over the stalls. And look ai these, um, coinpanion animals"’ — she was unsure if they were what incorrect people would call “‘pets.”” at commitiee members look- ed. “Dancer, Prancer, Blixen...all male,”’ the New Grinchocrat glowered. ‘‘Where can you show us 2 single Visible Minority?”’ At that moment, as it happen- ed, one reindeer who had remain- ed eating in his stall came wander- ing over with curiosity. Santa chuckled. **May I present to the commit- tee,’’ he said, ‘‘Rudolph the Red- nosed Reindeer’? — who chose that moment to blink his nose very brightly indeed, causing one Descente Fera-Jupa Bogner Nevica Couloir Billabong Columbia Colltech ACCESSORIES: 20-30% OFF TOQUES-GLOVES UNDERWEAR BAGS, ETC. 25-50% OFF ALL GOGGLES SMITH UVEX - BOLLE CARRERA New Grinchocrat who'd skeptical- ly drawn up close to examine him to jump back, half-blinded by the glow, “You can't deny,” Santa went on, ‘that a reindeer with a light on his nose is very much a minor- ity, and certainly a very visible one as well.”’ The commitiee went into a despairing huddle. “It’s a business, tax it!’ one member hissed. Another advised: ‘““Check if the reindeers’ exhaust meets AirCare standards!’’ Bul none of the suggestions lifted their spirits. Just then, at the most downcast moment for the committee, Mrs. Santa appeared, red from the heat of the oven, and bearing a nice plateful of warm cookies. 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