RE TRE UGE TEER RUT an FS TET ES

QUESTION: I am concerned
about a type of reaction of my
6-year-old daughter. When

21 ee

Soimcone eise is obviously in
pain she laughs or ‘‘shows
Signs’’ of pleasure. Is this an
emotional response expres-
sing itself unorthodoxly, or is
she being sadistic? In either
case, what can I do to help
her? She recently underwent -
major surgery for a congeni-
tal defect. Could there be a
relationship to that?

STEWART: Because of the
nature of your question, |
read your letter to a
pediatrician in whom I have a
lot of faith. He said your
daughter is making ‘‘an
inappropriate response’’ and
that most children. make
many of them. He ruled out
the sadistic idea. He said
that any surgery is a jolt to a
child (or adult) and that she
might be copying the doctors
or nurses that were around
her during her hurting time
and who quite likely smiled,

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Freelance Counsellor Hayden

Stewart may be reached at
261-6242 for appointments for
individual, family or group
counselling...
His new office in the Plaza
International Hotel {open
Tuesdays only] is for the
convenience of North Shore
residents.

GAARA GAR AGATA ATAAEAEAY

get scared’’,

or even tried to joke with her
to lighten her heaviness
about her pain or fear.

I also, chatted with a
well-trained child-care per-
son who felt that your child
was “‘scared’’ in the pre-
sence of suffering and does
not want anyone, not ANY-
ONE, (including herself) to
know she is scared. Like
many kids, she has probably
been told, ‘Don’t be
scared"’, or even, ‘‘Big girls
are not scared’’ and so she is
doing her inappropriate best
to appear unafraid, first to

herself, but also to you.

The long-range answer to
your ‘‘what can I do to help
her?’’, lies in your develop-
ing your ability to encourage
her to express her feelings to
you without fear of your

_ judging her or labelling her

or putting her down. Rather
than, *‘You don’t have to be
scared’’, or, ‘‘Big girls don’t
why not try

ee 3

QUESTION: Do you ever g
sort of

petted wh) J

seems to be going peauti-

et
in are

fully? lv’'s happened te me

twice. The first time, al-
inougn i had tis vague fear,
everything else was so
wonderful and i was so
happy that I just went ahead
and married the guy. Almost
right away I was living in
Disasterville. Everything
was wrong. He was a pure
rotter and we were divorced
in less than two years. Now
comes the second experien-
ce. After being alone for
three years, I met Vic [not his-

‘real name] and was, once

again deliriously happy. Ab-
solutely nothing has gone
wrong. We've known each
other a year and a half now |
and he is wonderful. Yet - if
you can believe it - I’ve been
so scared of something
blowing up in my face!

Even though it is against
my usual moral principles,
because of my fear, I have
consented for us to live
together for the last six

IT] ‘
FEnGa|

QUESTION: This letter is to
comment on the advice you
pave the lady in your
‘“‘Mecows threaten marriage’’
column of May 25th. In my
opinion you gave a male-
oriented, i.c., biased point of
view In your reply... [can see
that the space in the paper
allotted to you does not allow
in-depth analysis, but I think
a better job could be done
with what is available to you.

STEWART: As you will see, I
am able only to print a small
part of your well-written and

Where are Diane Pike books to

QUESTION: I am particular-

ly Interested fin the books
authored by Diane Pike that

you listed a few weeks ago.
Some of
available In the book stores.
How do I get them?

them are not

le oriented’’

thoughtful comment. (The
writer has gone into a careful
consideration of my response
to the earlier letter~ and has

even suggested how a more
valuable reply might have
been offered). I have the
feeling that my reply was
‘certainly confusing to you,
and therefore, quite likely
confusing to others. It has
made me think, however,
and so I am grateful for it. I

have come to see that I felt
no bias for or against either
the man or woman. in

be found?

STEWART: It is my under-

standing that all of Diane's
books will be on display and
available for purchase at our
Love Project .meeting on

Wednesday, | June = 15th.

Books by Arleen Lorrance

will also be there. That's at

statements like, “Pil bet that

1

- locked in or lied about or

_ THAT to happen again! On

page 15 - June 8, 1977 - North Shore News

frightens you’’, or, ‘‘When I
was little, I was so scared

} anresce bees mtn
when someone was nurting

and I didn’t know how to help
them’’. .

In other words, the long-
range possibility of helping
her lies in your being willing
for her to express ANY
feeling to you. Feelings are
not *‘good”’ or ‘‘bad’’, they
are just feelings. However,
they BECOME ‘‘bad’’, or
harmful, when they are

denied. So much for iong-
range. What about now?
Make sure YOU are not
making ‘‘inappropriate res-
ponses’’ yourself, and give
her your honest, loving,
unjudging support. She has
apparently picked up the
idea somewhere that she
must not show fear (and
perhaps other feelings too).
It is your opportunity to let -
her pick up from you that
feelings are OK.

Summer plans, whether for vacation,

pastime or project can be expensive.

If you need extra money to help make
your summer plans a reality, come in
and see us. You will be pleasantly
surprised at how little your loan can cost.

months so Pll have a good
chance to know him and to

possible. To my surprise, |
have not felt guilty about the
arrangement because he has
been SO sweet and because
my motives are good. Yet, I
have that nagging dread of
something going wrong.
What will I do?

1108 . Lonsdale

986-4321

1089 Marine Drive
$86-1116

STEWART: A lot of your
jitteriness could be a result of
your marriage experience, of
course. You don’t want

the other hand, having been
with Vic as much as you
have, (without any real
reason for being frightened
manifesting itself in the
relationship), I have the
feeling that you are into a
different sort of opportunity
this time. Relax with him for
a few months more and if
your wariness pesists, seek
counselling help. I hope you
have been able to talk openly
with Vic about your need for -
some time. Love him and
trust him and have* no
expectations, but rather,
abundant expectancy. You'll
get a clear signal when you
need it. ,

question, but that I do have a
bias against cats (at least in
the numbers of them that the
woman wanted to bring into
the marriage with her).

I still feel she has a choice
(forced on her because of his
attitude) her cats or her
marriage. And he also has a
choice (forced on him by
HER attitude) marriage, plus
her cats, or no cats and no
marriage. While their atti-
tudes remain as they are,
those are the options. I'm
pulling for both of them,
together, to find a third
option.

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The Plaza International
Hotel. I see that your letter is
from out of town. If you
cannot attend the meeting,
the books may be ordered
from The Love Project, P.O.
Box 7601, San Diego, Cali-
fornia, 92107,