ouseguest abusing host’s hospitality DEAR MiSS MANNERS — As a result of e major storm, many homes in my town were damaged, flooded or destroyed, including one belonging to an acquaintance of mine. She contacted me for advice (I’m a general contrac- tor) and, in the course of conversation, asked if I would allow her to use my guest room while her house was being repaired. (lam not doing the work.) This was over seven weeks ago. Her house had only six inches of water. The repairs could have been completed snd the house made livsble in fess than one week. But my guest is taking this cp- portunity to de major renovations and is not planning to return home wntil it is complete — after It weeks. When 7 assumed that her stay would be two weeks or less, 5 did not request payment fer rent or ulilities. In the ensuing weeks, she offered once to contribute to the heating bill, and I politely declin- ed. She has made herself at home in every way — behavior I would expect from a guest, but not from a sterm victim who has oversiayed her welcome. She igs been part of my home entertaining, has used my laundry supplies and some food staples, aud has generally invaded my lifestyle. Miss Manners, i am a generous person amd happy to share my good fortune. Under the cir- cumstances, I feel uncomforiabie withdrawing my hospitality or asking for 2 contribution to the household expenses. ¥ will proba- bly suffer in silence, but I feel abused and used. ’ My “guest’’ is financialiy well off acd Has been given 2 generous Insurance settlement for the storm damage. She bas a very good job and is probably more comfortable financially thar I am. We are both single and live alone. Before this, we were casual friends who saw each other socially two cr three times a year. What are my responsibilities ss ¢ DENIM SHORTS sale O49 saLE O99 ¢ JUMPSUITS sale 1999 2-3X 4-5x 2-6x Judith Martin MISS "MANNERS host, and hers as guest? GENTLE READER — Hers is to go home or to a hotel. But as she shows no inclination to do ei- ther, yours is to get your house tack. Do this by saying: ‘‘l was giad to be of service to you and I en- joyed having you, but @:a afraid I can’t keep you here any longer. Please make some other airenge- ments by Sunday, at tix: :-test.’’ You need not — and shuuld not — offer any excuse. An act of generosity does not get wiped off the slate if if does not continue forever. Miss Manners does not want you suffering in silence. She only wants you, as 4 building contrac- tor, to remember how much dam- age can be caused by unmet deadlines. DEAR MISS MANNERS — Al- though this question is purely hy- pothelical, I have been troubled about it for years. If a lady or gentleman were a bank robber, should he or she use conveations of etiquette such as “lease”? and ‘‘thank you”’ in ply- ing his or her trade? TL kope no one will need this in- formstion, bui for the sake of cu- riosity, ¥ must ask. GENTLE READER All right, all right, Miss Manners believes you. She thinks. The fact that she gripped her hand over the clasp of her pocketbook when you approached is purely coincidental. If your question is whether po- iiteness would help a bank robber advance in his or her profession, the answer is probably no (al- though it may well be of assistance to a jewel thief, embezzler or anyone else whose doings are made easier by charm and trust). As far as conveying deference is concerned, there is just not that much difference be- tween “Stick "em up’’ and ‘‘Stick "em up, please.’’ But the more interesting ques- tion, which is the one Miss Man- ners hopes you are asking, is whether a person who has no morals should also do without manners, for the sake of some kind of pseudo-honorable con- sistency. Because astute people have noticed that a person can have manners without having morals, they condemn manners for being misleading. It is also, of course, possible to have morals without manners. We have quite a few people like that nowadays, who go around rudely making other peo- ple feel terrible for not measuring up to their standards, in everything from body weight to philosophical commitments. Obviously it is better to have both morals and manners. Miss Doctor David A. 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