44 - Wednesday, April 10, 1985 - North Shore News

Nuciear boredom seen as

and I were engaging in some after-dinner

D= MISS MANNERS — My husband

reading, one recent evening. He sat down
beside me and began to relate the details of an arti-
cle he had just read on the topic of nuclear non-

proliferation treaties.

1 wasn’t at all interested in
the topic (J know everyone is
supposed to be interested in
nuclear warfare, but I am
not interested all of the
time), and showed my non-
interest’ by my non-verbal
behavior. I did not maintain
eye cesitact, I did not look
enthusisstic, | offered no
verbal encouragement and
even yawned a few thnes
(unfeigned, I assure you).

After about five minutes
of nuciear non-proliferation
details, my husband broke
off and exclaimed angrily:
“You're not. listening.
You're doing everything you
can to discourage me from
talking.’

I replied, also angrily:
“That's right. So why don’t
you take a hint?”’

A quarrel ensued, with no
resolution of the issue,
whick is: Wes I rude to show
a lack of interest, or should I
have feigned attention? Was
he rude to. continue talking
in the, face of obvious lack
of interest?) ' ~

‘Would your opinion of
this be any. different if the
interchange. occurred. be-
tween friends, co-workers or
strangers, | ‘rather: fban
spouses? ‘. ..

- The best question bears on
a larger issue of whether
standards of civility ought to

differ.. within. families, as.

opposed to cutside them.

GENTLE READER — They
should, and you have vio-
lated them. There is hardly a
more devastating insult you
can deliver to another
human’ being than the
judgement that he. is boring
: This i is not to say ‘that we
all have to allow others to
talk us to death, even those

to whom we are married, but

Pe ae]
‘miss
manners

by Judith

Martin
fr]

only that you must offer
some excuse other than en-
nui.
~ Here are some samples:
“Just a minute, dear, I'm
in the middle of something
— can you tell me later?”’
“My poor brain is too ex-
hausted to follow what
you’re saying right now.’’
“That sounds interesting,
but I can’t quite follow it
this way. Why don’t you just
give me the article when
you're finished, and Ill read
it myself as soon as ! can.””
“Darling, this is just not
the day for me to worry
about nuclear warfare. 1
know everyone is supposed
to be interested, and you
know I am, but I just can’t
face it all the time.””
' Notice that the last one is
taken from your own words,
with just a little tact applied.
Incidentally, ‘Miss Man-

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ners believes that exclaiming
aloud about what one is
reading is, if not abused, one
of the basic rights of matri-
mony. If you discourage
your husband from telling
you what interests him, you
will be making an extremely
serious mistake. A few
minutes of boredom, cheer-
fully endured, are certainly
worth keeping alive the habit
of sharing thoughts,

But Miss Manners is not
entirely without sympathy
for you, so she will tell you
how to discourage him from
excesses, such as reading the
newspaper, or whatever
magazines or books he is in
the middle of, aloud to you
every day.

Jump up, sey en-

thusiastically, ‘‘Let me see
that!"’ and take the reading
material away from him and
start reading it yourself. He
will learn to be more
cautious about this par-
ticular subdivision of shar-
ing, but without feeling that
he bores you and should
therefore control all desire to
communicate.
DEAR MISS MANNERS —
What is the proper thing to
say to a new mother who has
just given borth to a handi-
capped Saby?

“Congratulations” sounds
like I’m pleased that the
baby bas a handicap which,

of course, I am not. I realize
that parents naturally hope
for healthy babies.

But ‘‘Oh, Pm so sorry”
sounds as though there has
been a death or as though

I'm ignorant of the many — we

blessings a very special child
can bring.

In this case, the baby has
been diagnosed as mentally
retarded, but would your
phrasing change if the baby
had been born blind or crip-
pled?

GENTLE READER — A
mixed blessing does net
always require a mixed
remark. Prenatal parental

-hopes are as nothing com-

pared to the strength of
parental love for the baby
that exists.

So unless your com-
miseration is invited, you
must respond to the pleasure
the parents have in having a
new baby, rather than the
distress about the baby’s

handicap. The correct.

statement, therefore, is
““Congratulations.*’

1D IT
mae ou WELL

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