30 - Sunday, July 1, 1990 - North Shore News LIFESTYLES Berating on bus Help’s at hand is bad manners DEAR hiiSS MANNERS —- I was riding a bus, and when it became full, I offered my seat to a lady. After taking my seat, she proceeded to read me the Riot Act for my chauvinistic behavior. This went on for 15 minutes until she got off the bus. Most of the men at the office said they have had similar experi- ences, if only in the form of glares. i will stitl give up my seat to the miss Manners Judith Martin elderly or anyone who obviously needs a seat. I allow women to go first and 1 hold the door for them. But this one woman has changed my willingness 10 give up my seat to able-bodied women. I suggest that if they want the men to be gentlemen, the women should he ladies. GENTLE READER — She berated you for offering her your seat, while she was sitting in it and you were jostling awkwardly in the aisle? Miss Manners is almost forced to admire her nerve. Almost, but not quite. People who rudely reject obviously kind offers in the name of abstract justice are bad enough. But those who take advantage of such offers and then are rude to their benefactors have no sense of justice at all. Miss Manners can only beg you not to indulge in the bigotry of branding all ladies rude because some are. Allowing such incidents to discourage you from being polite only adds to the amount of rudeness in the world. DEAR MISS MANNERS — My father is remarrying and has asked me to be his best man. I accepted, although the travel will be a significant financial burden to me. He and his bride have chosen navy blue suits as the male attire, so in addition to the air fare, I will have to purchase a suit. I have expressed my financial con- cerns to him, and he has offered to help, but I have yet to see a cheque. My father has not extended an invitation to my lover, although he acknowledges and accepts our gay relationship. Should I pur- chase a gift for my father and his new wife? How can ! obtain the offered financial help without be- ing rude? Is there a polite way to request an invitation for a signifi- cant other? H experience and a GENTLE READER — Your lover doesn't happen to have a blue suit you could borrow, does he? Or money for a piane ticket? Never mind; Miss Manners is just trying to avoid work by solv- ing one of your problems with the other. The polite way to dun your fa- ther for air fare, clothes and an extra invitation is to tell him how happy you are for him, and how honored and thrilled you are to be his best man. This would be em- phasized symbolically if you sent a wedding present. Only after this show of en- thusiasm should you admit to dif- ficulties in paying for the excur- sion or taking it alone. DEAR MISS MANNERS — My very close brother-in-law had a fovely wedding with a dream reception, but some feelings were hurt. My hasband was his best man. My parents, my two children and I were invited. We were told they were glad to have my two boys and that there would be fots of children there, as there were. The wedding was at one o’clock, with a reception, and then a catered dinner served at four. Those who were invited to the dinner received a special in- vitation. My parents’ mames were not on the list, so they left quiet- ly, in order not to cause a big scene. My name was on the fist, but my children’s names were not. The other children were all in- cluded, I felt I couldn’t stay. Now I'm the bad guy. Because I didn’t make a big scene and holler, I have hurt the newlyweds’ feelings. GENTLE READER— There is some unfortunate and legitimate confusion in this situation, but tell your in-laws that Miss Manners does not approve of hollering as a way of settling etiquette problems. The problem is that tradition allowed wedding guests to be sep- arated into A and B lists — some invited to both the ceremony and the festivities afterward, and others to one of those events but not the other. Miss Manners no longer permits this. All guests other than im- mediate family may be invited to the celebration only, after a private ceremony, or asked to at- tend a ceremony not followed by a celebration, but some guests cannot be told to arrive after, or go home before, other guests. Child guests — as opposed to a child of the bride or bridegroom — are an exception, but those of the same age must be treated alike. Thus, you and your parents should have been included for all the events, and your children should have, as well, if others of the same age were. Had all the children been excluded from part of the activities, their parents should have been told in advance so that arrangements could be made for them. Expect the Best! a I can offer you results with Call me today at 984-9711 proven sales B record. HELP’S AT Hand, a_ weekly feature by the North Shore In- formation and Volunteer Centre, answers questions about and discusses such topics as govern- ment policies and programs, benefits, consumer and legal rights, taxation and public ser- vices. Answers published in this col- umn are intended only as a gener- al guide and should not be applied to specific individual cases without further censultation. eee Question: Since 1 separated from my husband last year my daughter has been living with me and visiting hin: on weekends. We are now in the process of getting divorced. We have worked out most areas of our separation quite amicably, but I was wondering what usually happens about custody. 1 always thought that the mother got custody of the childsen, but my friend tells me this has changed. Will the judge decide or is it up to my husband andl? Answer: In deciding custody, the law focuses on what is in the best interests of the child. This takes precedence over the ‘‘rights’’ of either parent. It is usually considered to be in the best interests of the child to have both parents involved in his or her life, so it may be that the arrangement you have at present would be acceptable to the judge. You are right in thinking that, in the past, custody of children was almost always awarded to the mother, but as roles in society change, so dc legal principles. Fa- thers’ rights to custody are ex- panding. Statistically, in the majority of cases the mother has custody but this is usually as a result of an agreement between the two parents. In cases where there is a disagreement the only criterion for deciding custody is what is best for the child. If one parent is awarded custody and, after a reasonable period, it is apparent that the sit- vation is not working well, the other parent can return to court and seek custody. The court would simply look again at what is in the best interests of the child. akan The North Shore Information and Volunteer Centre, a United Way agency, is located at 1060 Roosevelt Cres., North Van- couver, B.C. V7P 1M3, telephone 985-7138. This column is prepared with financial assistance from the Notary Foundation. Sune 30—Guif Islands bicycle tour for teens 13-17, Info: 986-0388, YMCA. eee June 3--French movie L’He Noir starring Tintin. 2 p.m. at N.V. City Library. tae June 30-Ongoing. Storytime for 4-8 yt. olds. 10:30 a.m. at N.Van City Library. aeet June 30-—Ongoing. Lacrosse, Mini- tyke. 9:30 a.m. at N.V. recCentre, In- fo: 929-3648. ene June 30-Ongoing. Most Amazing Reading Club programs for grade }-7. 1:30 p.m, at N.V. City Library. Limited to pre-registered Reading Club members. Info: 980-4424. nee Sune 30--Ongoing. Lacrosse. 9:30 a.m. 929-3648. aee June 30--Bicycle Safety Course. 5 week program. 1-3 p.m. or 3:30-5:30 p.m. at Lonsdale recCentre. Info: 987- PLAY. 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