|Doug Collins ® get this straight ® BESOTTED WITH bad news but refusing to believe that the end is nigh, your correspondent tottered into the Hotel Vancouver to hear Mike Walker, the Fraser Institute’s top guru, deliver his third report on the performance of the Tory government. (Otherwise known as Baloney’s Theatre of the Absurd.) Buttonholing him before he had a chance to munch his lunch, I ask Mr. Walker what he thinks of the stock market situation, Collins being deathly afraid he will lose the 15 bucks he has put into things he knows nothing about. But Mr. Walker is gloriously upbeat. “Think of it this way,’’ he said, beaming like a chap who bought bonds instead of stocks, which he probably did. ‘‘People should ask themselves how they were affected when the stock market was going up. Well, it didn’t affect most of them at all. “It’s the same now,"’ he con- tinued happily. ‘And if we keep cool and don’t panic, if we still go out and buy things, all will be well, Mind you, if people want a depression, then that’s what they will get.”” Buoyed by this cheerful analysis, I sit with some nice North Shore people. In stressful times, never have anything to do with strangers is my motto. Also, watch your wallet and eat other people’s food whenever possible. Deferring to cautious times and a waistline I am trying to keep from looking like the federal deficit, I eat the chicken in the _ chicken pie but leave the pastry. if ‘Booze who’ on the N. Shore RECENT CONVICTIONS in North Shore courts have resulted in the following fines and convic- tions for drinking and, driving , related offences. Mandatory ‘licence suspension is in addition to published penalties. NORTH: VANCOUVER: Derek Henry Loewen, 445 Southwest Marine Drive, Vancouver (breathalyser refusal, $300 fine); Adrianus Robert Verhiel, 2523 See ‘Booze’ MAKE NO MISTAKE MR. MATTRESS GUARANTEES THE BEST PRICES THE BEST SERVICE THE BEST QUALITY In all sizes & price ranges Single Mattress from 89" _Double Mattress from 119" SHOP AROUND AT THE OTHER MATTRESS SALES THEN COME TO MR. MATTRESS FOR REAL VALUE PRICE GUARANTEE lf you find any of our narie brands advertised within 30 days for less, you get a cash re- fund plus a 10% bonus. 1315 Venables at Clark Drive Vancouver 9:30 - 5 pm daily 12-4 Sunday we can only continue to eat other people’s chicken, I tell myself, the economy is bound to be healthy. But | tell no one about that. One doesn’t want to betray one’s plans for beating the system. All around my table, people are munching as if this is the Last Supper. Pessimists! “A mugwuimp, he said, was a creature who sits with Ais face on one side of the Jence ands wump on the other. We all knew who he was talking about, of . course, *” I thraw some gladness their way by informing them that I in- spected all the high downtown window ledges before entering the hoel and saw no one getting ready to jump. They clap me on the back for spreading good news. I am compelled to report, however, that Mr. Walker wasn’t all that happy when he got to the podium, even though he made us laugh a lot by talking about mugwumps. A mugwump, he said, was a creature who sits with his face on one side of the fence and his wumip on the other. We all knew who he was talking about, of course. Like me, he is searching the Ot- tawa landscape for some real Tories but has had little luck. Free trade he likes, though. Plus the in- comprehensible Meech Lake. But his dislikes outnumbered his likes. Or so it seemed to me as I said ‘‘no” to a great-looking strawberry tart, the sight of which reinforced my view that all will be well in spite of the CBC and other enemies of the people. You know what I mean. The headlines that day on the front page of the horrid Globe & Mail read: “U.S. dollar’s slide latest big chill.’” “Brokers face losses on BP."” “Future sombre if costs not controlled, Dye says.’’ “12 million bullets purchased by DND don’t shoot straight.” When | am prime minister, the first thing 1! do will be to ration bad news. billion-doliar x* ko * Summing up, Doug the Prophet says that come the next election, people are not going to hold their noses, vote Tory, and thus save Baloney’s bacon. I asked Walker, for example, whether either of the opposition parties would be any better than what we have now. Significantly, he replied that in politics you find your friends where you can. The Labor governments of New Zealand and Australia, he sug- gested, are much more Tory than our Tories. Ask yourself this: why vote for Tories who are really liberals and socialists, when you can vote for the real thing? Enjoy the chicken. FINANCIAL PROBLEMS??? 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