C8-Wednesday, May 21, 1980 - North Shore News

ask hayden stewart Messin

Freelance Counsellor Hayden Stewart may be reached at 261-6242
forappotntments for individual. family or group counselling. His new
~eoffice in the Internauonal Plaza Hotel (Open Tuesdays only) ts for the
convenience of North Shore residents

What he says and what

he does are different

QUESTION: I hope you can
print my letter as what I have
to say is very disturbing and
hurting me. My fiance and I
are very much in love with
each other. In the first year
we got along quite well —
travelled and spent a lot of
time with each other. We
seemed to think the world of
each other. But in the past
year, we have separated,
hoping to get back together.
In the meantime, he has
been going to bed with other
girls. He appears depressed
and upset sbout what he ts
doing. He keeps coming
back to me and saying he
wants me. He _ feels
“rejected”. He feels his job is
getting him down, although
at one time, and sometimes
still, he seems to enjoy it.

We can't seem to resolve
arguments. We've had lots of
fights, éxchanged harsh
words, etc. We both seem to
be in a lot of pain.
Sometimes what he says,
e.g. “I love you”, and what
he does, e.g. going to bed
with other girls, are two
separate meanings. I have a
hard time trying to figure
him out. I am almost to the
point of no return. I think I
have reached my maximum
toleration point. J am hart,
angry and disappointed.
Some times I wonder what is
going on between us. We
will be getting outside help.
Do you have any. ex-
planations for his behavior?
Do you think he is won-
dering what he wants — a
free life, or a responsible

life?

STEWART: It is a good sign
that you say, “WE will be
getting outside help”. If
BOTH of you want help, you
are in an advantageous
position.

I don’t think he wants a
free life, rather than a
responsible one. It is more
likely he is trying to arrive at
a way of having a free hfe
within a responsible one. A
lot of us try to figure out that
one, and we often make
some unrewarding choices in
the process. Stick by him
while you get your “outside
help”. You have not reached
your “maximum toleration
point” yet. Take a deep
breath and plunge into a new
programme of fulfillment for
both of you.

Even the psychiatrists don’t help

QUESTION: [ve been for
help to inumerable doctors,
preachers, psychiatrists,
counsellors and consultants
of various kinds. None of
them have been much help. I
go to them for a while then

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quit. Do you have clients
like that? Why do I always
quit?

STEWART: Probably
because you know more
about the answers than you

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admit, and don't want help
just yet. Do you feel a need
to suffer a bit more? That's
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QUESTION: My eighteen
year old son is messing up his
life. He’s doing everything
wrong. He's getting into all
sorts of trouble and he won't
listen to me. He won't let me
talk with him at all. I feel so
helpless. What can I! do
about him?

STEWART: Nothing.
Well, that’s not quite
right. If you feel helpless,

QUESTION: You never say
right out what a person
should do! A person asks you
a straight question and you
give two or three alternatives
as your answer. You give the
impression of not knowing
the answers any clearer than
your questioners do,

STEWART: That's nice that
you have noticed what I
keep TRYING to do, but
you must be exaggerating.
All too often I forget my
intentions, and answer like a
know-it-all. Most of the time
questioners “know” the
answers as well as, or better
than I do. My fun in life is in
helping people discover

put the focus on yourself
instead of on him. He's living
out his life and you are hurt
by the ways he is doing it.
But you can do something.
What you can do is provide
him with the best possible
environment for him to grow
in. That good environment
includes you at your best. He
needs your total self. So get
to work on becoming that

g up his life

self. And give yourself
permission to make that self
of yours available to him,
whether he chooses (just
now) to relate to it or not.
He’s not open to advice or
lectures or rules. But, he
may, — he just may, sense
your love and patience and
forgiveness. He may not
TELL you so, but perhaps
he'll want to soak up what
you ARE.

le answers

what they already know.
When a questioner honestly
feels that he does not know
the answer, what he needs is
not THE answer (from
someone outside himself)

but some support in coming
to trust his own ability to
discover his answer and
then, to bank on his insight.
And that’s another kettle of
fulfillment.

No more enjoyment

QUESTION: [ve tried so
hard to analyze and evaluate
the meanings of life so that I
can live the kind of life I ad-
mire, but | am not very
brainy about deep things and
feel that I am not really get-
ting very far. I am becoming
more knowledgable about

life, but I am not enjoying it
any more than I did. How
come?

STEWART: I only have
room for a sentence. Try set-
ting aside your analyses and
evaluating and replace t em
with DISCOVERY.

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