Living in a material
the cold, hard cash bines

nier

2 S

I MIGHT as well admit it.
My wife aud I have a pow-
erful secret influence over
the world’s economy.

This will sound crazy, ] know.
At the very least, a classic example
of paranoid grandiosity.

But look at the record.

Many years ago after having
scrimped and saved and worked
ourselves ragged, we accumulated
enough hard cash to invest in
something.

It was a modest amount, as
these things go. But wealth being
relative, for us it was a wad. The
biggest we had ever managed to
amass. : .

Unfortunately, it seems we are
- both risk-takers. Marriages might”
not last as Jong, but in matters of
finance it is best to have at least
one conservative on the team. To
keep the brain, as well as the
books, balanced. Follow me?

But when it turns out the fiscal
‘conserative in the family is an in-
curable genetically‘imprinted
gambling maniac, you're in trou-
bie. , :
Thus it was that when it came
time to invest the wad, my
Beloved Oneness actually agreed
toaschemeto buyintoagold
mine in Newfoundland. What with
the price of gold having risen to
an all-time high. What a great
ideat

OK, here’s what happened. We
-had no sooner invested all our
money in one speculative gold
mine stock than the entire world
price of gold dropped
astonishingly. I think it was a
matter of weeks.

Doom. The gold mine folded.
There went our life’s savings.

I wish | was joking. Oh well.
Being plucky, types, the financial
Wizard/Companera and | got up
off the ground, cleaned up the
mess and crawled grimly back to
our work positions. ~

Years passed.. We accumulated
yet another relative bundle. Pea-
nuts, as these things go: But,
again, hard cash.

Nat to make the mistake of the
last time, this time we have a
mutual funds ‘‘expert’’ over to

North Shore News

our house, who, of course, turns
out to be flogging mutual funds.

We are shown the colured
charts, the glossy brochures, the
thick binder of up-to-date print-
outs,

We go for it.

Now we've spread our marbles
out. Not going to be caught with
eggs in one basket again.

Smugly, we go off on a mon-
th-long trip to New Zealand. On
the way back through to Van-
couver, we stop in Honolulu fora
few days to dry out.

f go down to the bar. There’s a
grown man crying at the stool
beside me. What's the problem?
He's mourning the death of his
friend in New York who just
threw himself off a ledge.

Why'd he do that?

My sobbing companion informs
me: ‘He was a mutual funds
broker.’

Ah. Indeed. Yes, it turned out
to be Black Monday.

Our mutual funds had lost
two-thirds of their value over-
night. Across the board.

So much for the safety of being
spread out, Better we should have
kept it all in a sock,

OK. So what is our next
brilliant move? Feeling frustrated
with a rather stagnant B.C. .
economy, we decide J should ac-
cept a fellowship in Toronto to,
study scriptwriting. When the ”
nine-month course ends, | get of-
fered a contract at a TV station.
Go figure. °

We decide to stay for a while.

“We cannot help but note that the
Toronto real estate scene is
booming. Hm. f

We haven’t been able to save up
any money fer a while, what with
me being in school, but we do
have equity in our home back in
‘the Anmore Valley.

So we use that as suction to get
the pump going at the banks and
trust companies. We are assured
by fatherly realtors that ‘“‘you
can’t lose buying in the Toronto
market.’’ .

Guess what happens. .

The Ontario economy collapses.
The Toronto real estate market
reverses itself for the first time in
living memory, and property value
nosedives. Wouldn’t you know it?
We bought high, probably the last
two idiots to do so.

Just like we were the last two
idiots to buy into gold.

Just like we were the last two
idiots to buy mutual funds prior
to Black Friday.

I could cite a few other minor ©
examples, but you get the drift.

There’s no point crying over
having locked into long-term
morigages when interest rates were
high, or having paid the taxes for
years on holding property that
turhed out to be useless. These
things are all just part of growing,
one presumes.

Still, | can’t help seeing a pat-
iern. The All-Wise Beauteous One
says she sees it too. And, as you

"This government, this Prime Minister
and this Minister of Health have no intention

of opening the Canada Health Act to user fees"

-Mary Collins

MEANT a ee

Jewellery Appraisal

by Qualified GEMOLOGIST, Charlene Euren

Only , 1 As per item

with photograph on the premises

world:

can tell, she’s nearly infallible.

First, we wrecked gold. Next,
we wrecked mutual funds. Then
we brought down the Ontario
economy.

The seariest part is this: the
moment we shifted residence from
Vancouver to Toronto, the B.C.
economy began (o boom. |

Our responsibility at the mo-
ment is to consider where do we
go next? Do we 30 back home to
Anmore? And risk destroying
beloved, booming B.C.?

Or do we throw ourselves upon
Quebec, rendering them so poor
they'll never be able to leave
Confederation, any more than
Newfoundland can?

Frankly, if | was a government
or industry, I'd pay us to stay
away. Either that or I'd pay us to
go somewhere, anywhere else.
REEL ENERO ER

a

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