38 -— Sunday, February 24, 1991 - North Shore News LIFESTYLES Absent-mindedness not a good enough reason DEAR MISS MANNERS — In early December I was in- vited to a Christmas party by a former co-worker, and I accepted. | received a written invitation in plenty of time, and a map with directions to her house. I forgot all about the party. I don’t want to call and tell her a fib about why I wasn’t there, but I certainly don’t want to call and say I forgot the occasion. I'm too embarrassed to do anything. Should I send her a mote or just ferget it? ~- Judith MISS MANNERS GENTLE READER —. Forget- ting a social engagement is bad enough. Miss Manners does not understand why you think it would help to forget the social obligation of an apology. She does, however, understand that you think an admission of forgetfulness might sound callous. This is how you dress it up: “Vm just sick over forgetting your party. You can’t imagine how much | was looking forward to it, and then I must have just blanked on the day. Please forgive me. But Pll never forgive myself. I was so delighted you asked me, and all excited about going...” etc. This is called groveling. After a while, the person at whom you diect this becomes willing, even eager, to wipe the slate clean. DEAR MISS MANNERS — My new boss at work seems to assume that everyone who works for ber is an instant friend. I'm used to picking my friends, and feel I cannot be friends with any boss — a certain amount of distance has to be maintained. After ati, she has more power over me than I have over her. (i feit this way when I was an officer and supervisor in the military, tco.) Her main fault is that she likes to sit down and talk about per- sonal matters to me in my office. How do I discourage this? Ske's preventing me from get- ting my work done. When she does this in her office, I get up and move slowly away, and she gets the message. GENTLE READER — You will recall that in the military there are rules against fraternizing, actually put there for a reason uncon- nected with sabotaging American egalitarianism. As you point out, true friendship is impossible when one person has such power over another. Miss Manners doubts that your boss understands that she is pay- ing you to listen to her con- fidences, and that is not work that you enjoy. We shall not be so cruel as to point this out to her, but you can certainly point out how eager you are to do your real work. A bright declaration, “I'd love to chat, but that’s not what you're paying me for — I’ve got work to do,’’ cannot offend your boss, no matter how much it disappoints her. BEAR MISS MANNERS — Please discuss family obligations at the time of a death in the fami- ly. Our farnily is very small. I five in the town where Mother lives, and J have lived there since childhood. I bave one sister who lives out of town and who has behaved very badly. She is insuf- ferably rude, to the point where we have asked her to stop calling us with irresponsible insults and accusations. She contacts us only when she is angry. She has lied to other family members about me. Her family ignores us. When Mother dies — she is very old — what are my obliga- tions? I have been close ‘to Mother. I have been responsible for her, her health. her finances. Do I have to open our home to my sister and her family? GENTLE READER — Miss Manners wishes to defer on this matter to the person who first taught you etiquette. What would your mother want? Does she feel that there is hope of getting you and your sister together, even on the most impor- tant of family occasions, and that it would do more harm than good to attempt to repair the rift? Or would she perhaps prefer that you do your part to see if the sad occasion could be civilly shared? DEAR MISS MANNERS — Please suggest a suitable response (preferably one with an edge) to the question ‘‘When do you plan to retire?”’ I am a gainfully employed, energetic, competent, hard-work- ing employce, and am also quite youthful for my years. I have no intention of cetiring before my time, and I am really weary of this infernal, rude question. GENTLE READER — Miss Manners presumes it is neither your boss nor your assistant who is asking the question. As a social query, it is rude, she agrees. One may assume, howev- er, that someone who asks it doesn’t think so, but is indeed ready to discuss his or her own retirement. So while Miss Manners doesn’t know about the edges, she would countenance your replying: “T haven’: begun to think about it. What about you?”’ “Theres nothing wrong with retirement as long av tt doesn’t get in the way of living.” Mark Twain All the Best! You'll find nothing less at Pacific Terrace. 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