Grievi

DEATH of a life partner is one of the most
Stressful events that anyone can face,and the
bereaved are more vulnerable - physically, emo-
tionally and mentally - than is commonly realized.
How well they cope is of vital importance to their
well-being and eventual! adjustment.

From thinking about
‘twe’? and ‘tus’? they must
now talk of ‘‘I’’ and ‘‘me’’.
Not easy after a long
association. Not easy in a
couple-oriented scciety. It ali
adds up to a complete
change in their way of seeing
the world and their place in
it.

Grief diminishes a_per-
son’s ability to function, but

for those who’ve lost a life
partner, their main source of
support is no longer there,
so they turn to friends and
relatives. It is when these
helpers withdraw to get on
with their own fives - think-
ing that the crisis is over -
that the transition really
begins, often a long, slow,
painful process.

Jessica Easton, a

psychologist who specializes
in counselling those dealing
with grief and loss, says,
“Six months used to be con-
sidered the ‘grieving time’
but it is now thought to fast
up to two years. Moreover,
people don’t ‘get over’ grief,
they work through it - there
is always a part of them that
will feel the loss."”

The reactions of the
bereaved vary with the cir-
cumstances surrounding the
death and with individual
personalities, but they follow
a similar pattern. There may
be denial of the death and
then bitterness, before even-
tual acceptance.

ng process pa

Wf the death was unex-
pected there is often a feel-
ing of unreality, which will
“get them through"’ the
funeral, but deny them the
emotional release that it af-
fords. Friends mistakenly
think they are coping weil.

If the final illness was a
long one the bereaved may
feel a sense of relief - then
guilt for feeling that way.
Often they are exhausted
emotionally and physically,
and may think they no
longer fulfill a useful role.
Perhaps they have neglected
their own needs, and their
health or social relationships
have suffered as a result.

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Because of the changes in
lifestyle the newly widowed
person may want to make a
whole new set of friendships,
but is unwise to end old
friendships too soon, as con-
tinuity is important. .

“However,"’ says Easton,
“the shocking reality is that
the newly widowed may not
have a choice. They are
often dropped by the very
friends they expected to
stand by them - and find
new ones where they least
expect it. it’s the reason that
support groups are so neces-
sary.’

If possible, it’s best not to
make any major life deci-
sions - like moving house -
within the first year. Return-
ing to work or getting a job,
or doing voluntary work
may be good therapy, but
trying to ‘drown sorrows’’
by overdoing it is not.

Because it’s a time of
great stress the bereaved are
more susceptible to illness or
disease.

“They may find it dif-
ficult to eat,’’ says Easton,
“because all their emotions
are bottled up and they are
very tense. But it’s impor-
tant they watch what they
ingest. Herbal tea, Tor ex-
ample, is far better than cof-
fee, and papaya juice is good
for the digestive system. It’s
a 200d idea for them to keep

inful

in touch with their family
doctor too.”’

Anger, guilt, indifference,
depression, loneliness and
unbearable pangs of yearn-
ing are all feelings common
to the bereaved. For some
people, sexual feelings are
heightened after bereave-
ment. Far froni indicating
disrespect for the deceased it
shows a longing for the
warmth and intimacy that
has been fost, but it is inad-
visable to rush into a new
relationship prematurely.

It is most important that
the bereaved have someone
to talk to on a long-term
basis - preferably someone
who has gone through a
similar bereavement - and be
able to express their feelings
openly, without fear of
reproach.

For this reason the Nor’:
Shore Family Services Socie-
ty runs an_ eight-session
course for people who have
suffered any kind of loss or
bereavement. For informa-
tion call 988-5281 (North
Vancouver) or 926-7851
(West Vancouver).

And an independent self-
help group called the
Widows Network was
recentiy formed, enabling
widows to reach out to other
widows in the community.
(Call 925-1513 for informa-
tion.).

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