36 — Friday, May 21, 1999 - North Shore News Shuitle an adventure From page 34 something gave. (Pile-ups are common — I saw three on one ride alone. People shoot each other. They're not better for it...). Stopping for a red tight is usually a coincidence corre- sponding with a driver’s need to refer to a map. If we sat at a green for too long someone honked which invanably knee-jerked a driver into movement whether the way is clear or not. There was a lot of honking in L.A. With ail the wining, dining and schmoozing that went on, someone would invariably ask me, the Canadian dog- sed driver, what | though of ate 's very big,” I would respond politely. (Note: Never tell the person stuffing you with food and wine that their town sucks, It’s just rude.) But } did not get this impression of “bigness” from the length of any one road, but rather by the amount of motoring I had to endure. Also, I got a vague impres- sion of scale from a city map which required an electron micro-scope to read the “You are here” tag. But L.A.’s bigness is defined by the fact that nobody knows where they are going, much less where I want tO go. My very first taste of L.A. — aside from the brown air — came in the form of our shuttle from the airport to our hotel. The “Xpress Shuttle” proved to not only be misspelled but misnamed. . There is nothing express about ic. It’s not that our hotel is far away, on the con- wary, it’s less than a respectable half hour drive. But with our spawn-of- tife-bonehead driver, the jour- ney took an hour and a half AIEEE gs SPRING _that, th and was an epic journey. “You want te go where?” Asked our driver. “he Milner Harel,” we responded. “Never heard of it” she countered, adding, “where is ie” “Downtown,” we assured her, assuming that this is a wealth of information that all cabbies digest with the same knowing case. Ah ha! We're “off and all seems well. She seems to know where she’s going. She does not. After circling U-C.LA.a few thousand times and finally discharging a few passengers about three block from where we started, we start “xpress- ing” towards downtown — we assumed. “You want to go where?” asked our driver for the sec- ond time. We told her again, this time offering the street name and a nearby landmark — that being the L.A. Convention Centre where the Expo was held. She asked for our hotel’s name a third time and this time wrote down our response thanks, conveniently, to a red light. The fourth time she asked for the correct spelling, like that’s going to help. The fifth time she got the guy in the front passenger’s seat to write it down. Didn't help, either. She got agitated and you could have sinelled the anxi- ety in the air were it not for the permeating smog. Thankfully, that guy in the front passenger’s seat got her talking a bit about herself and thar seemed to calm her a wee bit. Unfortunately for us, she then talked about the fact she wasn’t really a shuttle driver but a tour guide. She hated driving in L.A. Everybody’s stupid and she’s almost glad that she doesn’t own a gun. She’s had a total of 57 moving violations. She related a horror story for each one starting with the first y, didn’t involve jail time. rena L + | 2 Luec, Ou. & Farr Check battery, test antifreeze, ‘Soren Lune visual inspection ‘tne, “Ry Sure Suet ives inspectiin~« report, rolate tires, top up all fluids fo “Up Wah oape check by one of 86's top Ar Care technics, nad test & report any findings FF Coane Pressure test TuneUp system, check bolts, ~{ (sehr also speciais'cn a hoses, visual leaks, check on rad condition, ~* tighten clamps, drain and fill anti-freeze is Ant AIC operation. Test temp. perfor-- mance, check refrigerant level, check com- pressor belts, hoses, etc. “Ry AUGNMENT High tech, full 4 wheel computer check out, with print out & road test “Prices cover most cars & light trucks eAil service by Govt. registered technicians TALKING YELLOW PRGES: Govt. ficensed inspection station $2564 Iges0%9 i all four wheels Apposrtments 176 Pesmibacton, North Van. {5 blics South of Marine Drive) 985-7455 north sh ore Rews AUTO Oh. My. God. Now, aone of this would be so bad were it not for that fact that she was yammering away while attenypting to drive Los Angics. But shuttle fees are flat rated so we weren't too concerned about the endless travel adding to an established fee. And the sud- den Jurches and turns had us thinking thar Magic fountain roller coasters were probably overrated so we don’t feel we'll notice missing them. This is almost fun. Almast. Driving the wrong way down a one-way street is a real adrenaline rush which is a good thing because my coffce had run out long ago and I was almost lulled by the inces- sant yammering of the driver, singing counter-point to the perpetual honking of other motorists. You need to be wide awake for a journcy like this one. The momentous occasion finally arrived: We found the street our hotel was on and were near the Convention Centre. Things are looking good. Not so fast. Our hotel was on another one of those dreaded onc- way-streets. Can’ get there from here: Better go around the block. In Vancouver, we drive around the block by making four right turns or, if we're daring, a left and three rights. L.A. Xpress drivers go _ around the block by going straight for seven blocks, then turning right, then left, then right, then another right, then back onto the Santa Monica Freeway, then exiting, then reversing a bit, then night, then left, then stopping and referring to the map, then left, oops, back up a bi, a right, then... There’s a lor of honking in L.A. Honking doesn’t make anyone check their driving THE 1999 GSC AAR VITARA V6 powes,24-volve, quad com. *Drive select dd eful-fome 4x4 MacPherson sirut suspension a-wheel ABS brakes *Power steering Power windows Nerth Vancouver Suzuki 983-2088 nor do honkers bother stop- ping for whatever they decide needs a good honking at. They just honk. One of my colleagues had a much better take on the matter: People in L.A honk because they love *Power mirrors e L.A. Ahhh! Still, it’s good to be back. I missed showers with mea- surable water pressure. I missed breathing. | missed my hometown bonehead drivers. Be safe. 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