| AS WE move into the new
“year, the more humorous .
among us hope.there will be
a war,

A full-scale ground war, that .
“is, and nothing like the peacekeep-
_ ing capers of which ex-Defence
_ Lady Mary Collins and the
.Simpering Sams of Ottawa are so
proud.
You may remember that in i the 7
“Gulf War, Brian Baloney put on-
his bishop’s voice and declared
“how grateful the nation.was to its

:., “*men and women in the Gulf.”

Never'mind that they never
: heard a shot fired'in anger and
‘that it- was only in the final two
days that Canadian planes were |.
even allowed over enemy territory.

.., fhanks to Brian- Baloney,’ our
guys were watching TV just like
the rest of us.”

But the departure | pictures were
“Teally great — girls saying:good- _
, “bye to husbands who were staying
‘home to do some diaper changing, -
* “plus other touching scenes. 3; |
:, And-J shall not soon forget the,

A

sailor. who ‘uttered these immortal , .

navy. to get some tourism.!;.:

So why'do I-want a'war?.) )

- Now that they have been wel- ©. :
‘comed into ‘the Disarmed Forces, | 1.
want to see how the girls and the--
pansies do when they act to the* -
real stuff.’ :

So far, ‘the only. fighting. any of
them have seen is in the human’
“rights arenas nit
s-. Only the other day a lesbian

ho had been tossed out ofthe ©
military was awarded $160,000 on’
-account of all the inconvenience: :

LLOWING ‘people: ap
id ' West. Van-'

rome. ‘Paradis in.

couver, was fi ned. $150 ‘and placed,
on’ six months" ‘probation after ft,

rome: Paradis in :

ancouver Rrovincil court

DOMINION’: ;
“SECURITIES | -

“ON THE ‘OTHER HAND

she had suffered.
A real war would give them
opportunities of genuine calibre.
It’s not that 1 don’t believe they”

_ can do it, you understand. It’s

simply that they have neverbeen
“blooded”? as the generals used to
say. And never will be.

I cannot imagine our Girls .
" Brigade staggering up the beach to
some future Dieppe hugging

: machines guns to their bosoms.

* And what would happen if they
met a Sergeant Major Pierce, cur-
sing them on in the most colorful

language known to man?

Judging from recent events in
which the girls complain of sexism
and bad language there would be

, a human rights hearing on the
. spot while the battle was put on

‘hold. Breathlessly covered by the,

_ fans-of the CBC, of course.

“There has never been a full-
scale war in which proud poofter:
cand women fought i in the front
line. :

(There was a women’ S battalion

"assaulting another person ‘ in n Noyth :

+ Vancouver” District on Aug. 14,

» 1992, .
Before Judge Jerome Paradis. in,

North Vancouver provinclat court
on Jan. t3:- os ut _

John. T.: Hewitt, 26, “of Vane
couver,.was ‘sentenced to: 14 days :

in ‘jail‘and placed on nine months’

probation ‘after. he pleaded guilty.
to: committing fraud .

Eo a

in., North,

that fought in Moscow in 1941,
but the Russian girls are all six
feet in the beam.)

Popular military literature has
nothing to say about these two
additions to the fighting forces. .
But as a correspondent in Van-

couver has reminded me, all other -
’ aspects have been covered.

In the 1920s there was a series
of books for boys about two
young lads in the First World
War.

' Boy Allies on the Marne, was
one title, also Boy Allies in No

Man's Land, and Boy Allies under

Bombardment.

In the Second World War, it.
was Biggles of the RAF, with ti-
tles like Biggles on Convoy Patrol,
Biggles Flies East and Biggles in

' + the Desert Air Force.

In my future war there would
be a great opportunity for some-
one to write about fems and
fairies.

Giggles in the Mud, Giggles Be-
ing Blooded, and Giggles on Con-

. voy Patrol, etc.

« The model for Giggles. could be
that big-eyed biddy on the Pro-
vince who writes about how sh's
never caught AIDS. Lots to ig gle:
about, see...

But what about the pansies?

My correspondent has some ‘

*. ideas: They ares:

Fairies in the Fi: iring Line.

., Assault from the Rear.

Poofters 01 Parade, °

Pansies in Parachutes:

Sodomized on Sentry Go. .

Mincing through the Minefield,
an : ,
Sgt. Spanker Shows oft His .
"Privates,

On which note it would bev wise
to close. For war could now break. -

out at any time. -

Vancouver City on Sept. 10, 1992.
Wayne: Michael Marklund, 32,

‘of. North» Vancouver, | was: fined.”
$200 ‘after’ he pleaded: guilty to,
‘committing theft ‘of clothing. from

Blackcomb Skiing Enterprises Lid.
on Sept.’ 10, 1992,-in Whistler.’ ;

Before Judge: Reginald D. aa
sion-in West Vancouver, provincial

court on Jan. 7:

~ See more @ page i a

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an impressive $45 million,”
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tage | hotel from only. $89" per.
night, any night from Oct.13,"" jf. &
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18 and under free in Parents’,

‘dy

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rojo pal

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