f 14-Sunday News, November 23, 1980 QUESTION: What do you do when you find yourself on the receiving end of a relationship, but you can't trust the person who fs doing the giving? Darn it all, that’s not what I want to ask at all. Because my question is so personal I thought Id try to disguise it a bit and ask for your comment. But here's my problem. I have been in love with a young woman and have got an awful lot out | of the relationship. She has been good for me and I am very thankful that I have known her and had good times with her. But, I feel very uncomfortable in the relationship because I find it very very hard to trust her once in a_ business where I could not trust a deal seemingly very ‘helpful colleague) so it isn't that I am habitually paranoid or distrusting. lt seems to me she puts too many things before our relationship. I find myself wondering if she is just out for number one motives. It is more a feeling I have, than a package of evidence. I can’t help but feel she has some ulterior motive in being as close to me as she has been. | have never been that way in any other relationship (except and Is so used to being that way that she hardly knows she is doing it. I have a lot of fun with her and we have many interests in common, but this nagging fear that she is using the relationship for her own ends keeps per- An ulterior motive? sisting. What do you think I can do? I hate the thought of losing her, but I also hate the thought of going into marriage with her only to find out that my unfounded fears were accurate. STEWART: The first part of my an- swer is the easiest. Certainly do not think of * ‘going into marriage with her” while you are entertaining such fears. It is best that you talk with her candidly. Avoid cnticizing her. Tell her you have some fears about the relationship and that you ask hayden stewart Freelance Counsellor Hayden Stewart may be reached at 261-6242 for appointments for individual, family or group counselling. His office in the International Plaza Hotel (Open Tuesdays only) is for the convenience of North Shore residents. want to invite her help. Let her know that YOU have a problem and that you are “providing her with an opportunity to give” to you, by helping you think it through. Then tell her exactly what your problem is. Don’t be too subtle. Let her know exactly how you feel and that you don't enjoy it. I have a feeling that the way she responds to you and communicates with you will help you understand your situation better. Risky? You bet. But not as msky as continuing without doing it. The power of negative thinking QUESTION: There's so much talk these days about the POWER OF POSITIVE THINKING. | don’t think it’s so much the power of positive thinking so much as it is the power of thinking. Surely there is a lot of power in negative thinking too. So why the extra word? There is power in THINKING .- positive or negative. STEWART: Agreed! There is tre- Throw it all away QUESTION: I'm a pack rat. I accumulate things. Ive got all my appointment books back to 1962. My theory ts that I may want to check on what I did on a certain day. ! NEVER look at those books, but ft ts impossible for me to throw them out. [I’m like that with all sorts of clutter that piles up in my room, in the basement, at the office ctc., etc. My question has to do with being more decisive about what to throw out. You sce I've decided | should throw out a lot of staff, but when ft comes to doing it, | make a small pile of “throw-aways” and a big pile of “keeps” and another mendous power in thinking. However, one is free to become a= specialist in negative thinking and use its power, or one is free to become a= specialist in positive thinking and use its power. The most effective inhibitor of the power of positive thinking, hes in negative thinking. Just as surely, the most effective inhibitor of the power of negative thinking hes in positive thinking. This could be a foohsh exercise in pile that gets to be almost as big as the “keeps” pile which could be tagged, “un- decided”. It’s that undecided pile that bothers me. How can | whittle down that pile into a respectable size? STEWART: Seeing you have chosen to md yourself of clutter, respect) your own wishes and help yourself do if EVERY SOLITARY thing in the “undecided” pile should be thrown out! If you are like | am. you will consider ita bag risk to throw out everything in that pile But believe me, itis not as big a orisk as) keeping it another IO years You'll on your first visit theoretical discussion if we miss out by not recognizing that we are free to choose which emphasis we would like to utihze. Do you like the usual results of negative thinking, or do you choose the results of positive thinking? Make your choice and give that choice an all out fair tmal. Then, if you are not too keen on the results, go for the other choice and give it a fair tnal too. Try hard to be real negative about everything have occasion to wish you had kept certain things, but you'll live for perms, color, etc. Bobb Cut Untsex halr styles 2465 Marine Drive, West Van. 22-1951 for a while. If 11 works out well for you, you've made a valuable discovery for yourself. If it doesn't you'll think of another way — | hope. Plann It’s called ‘Hope for the Flowers’ QUESTION: Could you give me the name of that book you mentioned about bit of symbolism that seems to me appropriate for all ages. It’s called HOPE FOR THE FLOWERS. I forget the author's name. caterpillars and butterflies? STEWART: It's a delightful Perm Sale Nov.17- Dec.6 braids - men's - coloring : children perms - everything! 1451 Marine Drive, West Van (upstairs) 926-7714/15 9-5 Mon.-Sat. sets Is fitness Important? 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