QUESTION: I am writing, of
course, because I have a
problem and the problem is
me.

I -was very disappointed by
a man's. behaviour and you
gave. me help on that (‘no
specific expectations” etc.)
but it came too late. I broke
off the relationship, bolted
headlong into another,
palch, after a difficult year,

I abandoned, still trying to
sort out the first and only
just coming to terms with it.

It is a life-long attimde
which gives me so much
difficalty. I suffer agonies —
most of them self-inflicted. |
am trying to find peace in
drink — not excessively, but
it may get worse.

My problem the way I see

- fit IT am 46. Had unhappy

childhood; illegitimate;
raised by. my grandfather
who was never married to
my grandmother, divorced
the woman he did marry;
before my time a woman
killed herself over him. Our
relationship was a poor one;
I was lonely, ashamed, no
feelings of self-worth; I

dweiled on all the wrongs

ber 16, 1981 - North Shore News

Freelance Counsellor Hayden Stewart may be reached at 261-6242
for appointments for individual, family or group counselling.

a

done to me — and, as you
see, I still do.

I married a man _ with
problems (naturally) and
after 11 years and three kids
was close to a nervous
break-down when I left him,
with three kids in tow. He
supported us only so so and
life was not a bed of roses.

It's been an upward
struggle. Men have generally
been good to me. It's the
“bad” ones that get to me,
leaving an impression and a
hurt that cannot be matched
by the loving deeds of
others. This is where I need
help. I am tearing myself
apart, needlessly.

STEWART:

You are “at-
tached’”” to what you,’
yourself, call “a _ life-long

attitude”. I can hear you Say,
“I have dweiled on all the
wrongs done to me ... and
still do.” You, apparently
are already seeing that such
a pattern needs to be broken
off and done with. Will you
allow yourself to walk away
from the habit of dwelling in
the unhappf past? It’s not a
good place to live and grow.
Allow yourself to bring an

Self-inflicted agony

end to your leaning heavily
on your pattern of the past as
though there is a law saying
that pattern must continue.
The past is dead, long live
the here and now! You have
what it takes for today. You
need not continue “as is”.
Choose to let go everything
you are done with and
choose to BE everything you
are ready for! Are you ready
to live your life as you really
are, or will you continue to
live by an outmoded pat-
tern? You have what you
need to live to the hilt for
today. Tomorrow? I don't
know and neither do you.

But today, without
yesterday's worn out
shackles, will be really

something if you let it be
you.

Lenda
hand...

to clean
our land

unhappy and traumatic -
introduction to sex, while I
was quite young. Ever since
I have felt fearful...and.
nervous ‘and, self-conscious
and even-somewhat repelled
by sex. I have a fear that I
will continue in that way and
I hate the thought of going

ths

QUESTION: Most of the
time your answers appeal to
meé as being wise and in good
spirit. But once in a while

they burn me to a crisp, I.am.
tempted to write in and tear |

a strip off you. But how can I
do that and ask a question?
Do you welcome criticism?

STEWART:

If you can't

think of a better way, what
you could do is tear off the
strip and then ask, “What do
you think of that?” By all
means,
beefs.

let me hear your

Keep
Canada
Beautiful

ee ee 4

ron

of: making love. Does ‘such
experience as I had

usually result in a continuing

negative.and fearful attitude

‘toward sex? will I be this

way always?:
STEWART: Not unless you
decide to be.

QUESTION: I had a very. through: life. without the joy. Why not. decide other-

Wise?’ A: person in your
unsatisfying state of mind
can usually find her way out
of it,, especially if she is
willing” to be open. with a
good*therapist. Yours is not

a “hopeless case”! Prepare
yourself for a U-turn.

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